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Thread: The Off Topic Game

  1. #1681
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    Aug 2008
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    Re: The Off Topic Game

    Okay edu, here ya go....
    The Tazer Gift
    This was originally submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket tazer for their anniversary.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? Way Too Cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, i'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in the other.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was suppose to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while, i'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'No Possible Way!) What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!!!


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    A three second burst would be considered conservative! IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs, I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparantly I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair and I'm still looking for my nuts and i'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it.
    San Francisco 49ers... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    San Francisco Giants... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    Always on time-out, what the heck!

  2. #1682
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    London
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    Re: The Off Topic Game

    bad things suck.
    Server: 2.2GHz Athlon 64; 4GB; 2TB; Debian 5 x64
    LividEmperor: 3.3GHz i5 2500K; 8GB; 660GB; Ubuntu 10.10 x64 + Windows 7 x64
    Netbook1: 1.6GHz Atom; 2GB; 160GB; Ubuntu 10.10 x86
    Dogeatdog: 3GHz Phenom II; 3GB; 1TB; Windows 7 x64

  3. #1683
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    Beotch-ville, Arizona
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    Re: The Off Topic Game

    its pogo time...
    San Francisco 49ers... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    San Francisco Giants... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    Always on time-out, what the heck!

  4. #1684
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    *eating something*
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    Ubuntu 9.10 Karmic Koala

    Re: The Off Topic Game

    I like pretty colors, how about you!
    |>[HowTo] Bump The BUMP Thread<||>Stats<||>19k<||>23k<||>26k<||>34k<||>37k<||>38k<||>39k<||>40k<|

    Quote Originally Posted by lukjad007
    Backups are usually a good thing unless it's a sewer.

  5. #1685
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    Re: The Off Topic Game

    peter piper picked...
    San Francisco 49ers... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    San Francisco Giants... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    Always on time-out, what the heck!

  6. #1686
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    *eating something*
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    Re: The Off Topic Game

    Quote Originally Posted by tazz4vr View Post
    peter piper picked...
    My cell phone has poor reception in my bedroom
    |>[HowTo] Bump The BUMP Thread<||>Stats<||>19k<||>23k<||>26k<||>34k<||>37k<||>38k<||>39k<||>40k<|

    Quote Originally Posted by lukjad007
    Backups are usually a good thing unless it's a sewer.

  7. #1687
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    Beotch-ville, Arizona
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    Re: The Off Topic Game

    time for food, I hungry
    San Francisco 49ers... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    San Francisco Giants... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    Always on time-out, what the heck!

  8. #1688
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    2 exits past crazy
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    Lubuntu 12.10 Quantal Quetzal

    Re: The Off Topic Game

    Let's do this!

  9. #1689
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    Beotch-ville, Arizona
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    Re: The Off Topic Game

    hammer time
    San Francisco 49ers... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    San Francisco Giants... Oh Yeah Baby!!!
    Always on time-out, what the heck!

  10. #1690
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    2 exits past crazy
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    Lubuntu 12.10 Quantal Quetzal

    Re: The Off Topic Game

    Albatross!

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