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Thread: Moving On

  1. #1
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    Moving On

    Moving On
    By: Jesse Cox

    Alone in the darkness once again,
    Full of anger, hate and frustration,
    My words,
    Just a reflection of the pain within.

    The moon rises to show a face,
    Tears fall down,
    With such steady pace,
    This is the beauty of the human race.

    To know that we are all in balance,
    That when one steps up,
    To take a challenge,
    All will fall,
    Who oppose his ballet.

    When one falls down deciding,
    To stay,
    Others stand,
    And lead his way.
    For nothing gold ever stays.

    But even as dusk brings down the day,
    Day itself must reiterate.
    A time of light with healing skies,
    A time of hope,
    Where evil dies.

    No more living,
    In the night,
    Now's the time,
    To seize the light.

    If you miss out,
    On the Sun,
    Then your night,
    Is two times one.

    Copyright (C) 2008 Jesse Cox
    What do you guys think?
    Which is more important in obtaining the truth, "what" or "why"? Trick question. They are of equal importance.
    Freely ye have received, freely give.

  2. #2
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    Re: Moving On

    sounds like an angsty 14 year old wrote it

    and why are you posting this here again?

  3. #3
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    Re: Moving On

    Quote Originally Posted by trollolo View Post
    sounds like an angsty 14 year old wrote it

    and why are you posting this here again?
    Getting thoughts, ideas, input. 14 is a long way away from the age I was when I wrote that. So, what makes it sound childish may I ask?
    Which is more important in obtaining the truth, "what" or "why"? Trick question. They are of equal importance.
    Freely ye have received, freely give.

  4. #4
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    Re: Moving On

    Well, I've written much worse things and posted them to the net, lord hope nobody ever finds those.

    Anyway, if I had to give input, it's not my thing, but it's certainly not "angsty 14 year old" yet. two times one line needs work though.
    Life is an extraordinarily long concatenation of luck and coincidence.

  5. #5
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    Re: Moving On

    Quote Originally Posted by Thewhistlingwind View Post
    Well, I've written much worse things and posted them to the net, lord hope nobody ever finds those.
    Is it really that bad? LOL I kind of liked it (Of course I wrote it, so that doesn't count) I've basically been going through a few old notebooks of things I've written. Found a couple in there that I really liked, this one and a quote "The irony behind the fact that everyone can think, is that only a few people know how to do it." That and a theory on gravity based on water ripples have amused me for the few hours.
    Which is more important in obtaining the truth, "what" or "why"? Trick question. They are of equal importance.
    Freely ye have received, freely give.

  6. #6
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    Re: Moving On

    Quote Originally Posted by Thewhistlingwind View Post
    Anyway, if I had to give input, it's not my thing, but it's certainly not "angsty 14 year old" yet. two times one line needs work though.
    Thanks. I've been trying to figure out what to put there.
    Which is more important in obtaining the truth, "what" or "why"? Trick question. They are of equal importance.
    Freely ye have received, freely give.

  7. #7
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    Re: Moving On

    Quote Originally Posted by ki4jgt View Post
    Thanks. I've been trying to figure out what to put there.
    I don't think it's "angsty." However, I think the first stanza should be moved somewhere later.

    Your first first line of the 2nd stanza: "The moon rises to show a face," sounds like a good start. In fact, the 2nd stanza is well done. I think starting off angry gives the reader the whole "teenage angst" vibe. Have the speaker build up to the angrier emotions.
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  8. #8
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    Re: Moving On

    Quote Originally Posted by isaacj87 View Post
    I don't think it's "angsty." However, I think the first stanza should be moved somewhere later.

    Your first first line of the 2nd stanza: "The moon rises to show a face," sounds like a good start. In fact, the 2nd stanza is well done. I think starting off angry gives the reader the whole "teenage angst" vibe. Have the speaker build up to the angrier emotions.
    Well, the first stanza isn't supposed to have an angry feel. It's just stating where I am from a third person perspective, kind of like, I'm here, doing this, again. . . This is where I am. Then it goes to the moon as a way up from that place. It's not implying anger as much as stating where I'm currently at in my life, so if that stays in, it would have to be in the start b/c it's the launching pad of the entire poem.

    Edit: It's more of starting out sad kind of thing (no anger intended), b/c that's where I'm coming from, b/c I'm stuck AGAIN in this place of darkness that's created by the world around me and all I have is my anger. The moon is a light shining in on that darkness and allowing me to see that I have hope, and am able to rise above the darkness, which is where I'm rising from.
    Last edited by ki4jgt; July 24th, 2011 at 06:02 AM.
    Which is more important in obtaining the truth, "what" or "why"? Trick question. They are of equal importance.
    Freely ye have received, freely give.

  9. #9
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    Re: Moving On

    Seems to poetic to me. Maybe if you can screem it in German with a heavy metal band then it may be good.
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  10. #10
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    Re: Moving On

    Quote Originally Posted by ki4jgt View Post
    b/c that's where I'm coming from, b/c I'm stuck AGAIN in this place of darkness that's created by the world around me and all I have is my anger. The moon is a light shining in on that darkness and allowing me to see that I have hope, and am able to rise above the darkness, which is where I'm rising from.
    Well when you put it that way, it does sound kind of angsty.

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