What makes me laugh!

[RuthEllen85]

Here I wanted to share what makes me laugh! Feel free to add your funny stuff! :D:D

[RuthEllen85]

Here are some examples of airline attendants that told in the in-flight safety lecture (They are real)

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

[RuthEllen85]

1. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
2. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.
3. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A stick.
4. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
5. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right where you left him.
6. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
7. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because it scares the dog.
8. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
9. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

[RuthEllen85]

In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for People to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000:

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist!
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to
tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have
any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra
effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called
in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond.
When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she
called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. he replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[RuthEllen85]

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States , and said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans.' He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: 'You have 6 months to
build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and
40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' he roared, 'I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other
overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to
the sea; I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they
would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl;
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an
animal rights group sued me; they insisted that I was confining wild
animals against their will; they argued the accommodations were too
restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed
flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the greencard status
of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't
use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least
10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked: ''You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The Government beat me to it.'

[pp.]

This is a link to the site of two Swiss brothers having a bit of fun with old picture cards. Sorry for the language. It's in French.

http://www.plonkreplonk.ch/

[RuthEllen85]

Before the wedding

Man: Finally, I have been waiting for this forever!
Woman: You want me to leave?
Man: Not at all! Don’t even think about it!
Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Of course! Always!
Woman: Did you ever cheat on me?
Man: Yichs! Of course not!
Woman: Will you have sex only with me?
Man: Sure! At any chance I get.
Woman: Will you hit me?
Man: Are you nuts?
Woman: Can I count on you?
Man: Yes…
Woman: My love!

After the wedding:
Just read the above from bottom to top….

[RuthEllen85]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the
cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day
before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life ."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

“MY ROLEX!"

[RuthEllen85]

9 words women use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine ( #1) .

4.)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ... YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause
they know it's true.

[RuthEllen85]

why men are happier...

Men Are Just Happier People-What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or! mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. ! You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[RuthEllen85]

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss " and he taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:


"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[derekr44]

LoLCats always make me laugh.

http://icanhascheezburger.com

[Sephoroth]

LoLCats always make me laugh.

http://icanhascheezburger.com

A History of LOLCats.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jDfSqtG2E4


why men are happier...

Men Are Just Happier People-What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or! mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. ! You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Yes, because it takes a truly complex creature to enjoy doing all of the mentioned things :wink:.