Linux jokes...lol

[floyd27]

Hey.
i was looking around and cant find a good place for linux jokes..
So i figured ill make one..

Post your gut busters here..

lololololololololololololololololololololololololo lolololololololololololololololololololo

[matthew]

Well, these aren't really Linux jokes but I cant bear to see the thread sit empty...besides, I think people here will enjoy them.

----------

3 people had carpool: a mechanical engineer, a electrical engineer and a Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.
Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be the fuel injection. Lemme fix it."
The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I'll fix it."
Microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back into it, and it should run!"

---------

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 180 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

[linbetwin]

:d

[linbetwin]

Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun, we don`t **** on our hands."

[linbetwin]

The Linux

by Dr. Seuss


At the far end of Redmond
where the Grickle-grass grows
and the wind smells slow-and-sour when it blows
and no birds ever sing excepting old crows...
is the Street of the Lifted Linux


And deep in the Grickle-grass, some people say,
if you look deep enough you can still see, today,
where the Linux once stood
just as long as it could
before somebody lifted the Linux away.


What was the Linux?
And why was it there?
And why was it lifted and taken somewhere
from the far end of town where the Grickle-grass grows?
The old Gates-ler still lives here.
Ask him. He knows.


You won't see the Gates-ler.
Don't knock at his door.
He stays in his Lerkim on top of his store.
He lurks in his Lerkim, cold under the roof,
where he makes his own software
out of vapourware poof.
And on special dank midnights in August,
he peeks
out of the shutters
and sometimes he speaks
and tells how the Linux was lifted away.


He'll tell you, perhaps...
if you're willing to pay.


On the end of a rope
he lets down a tin pail
and you have to toss in fifteen cents
and a nail
and the shell of the great-great-great-
grandfather snail.


Then he pulls up the pail,
makes a most careful count
to see if you've paid him
the proper amount.


The he hides what you paid him
away in a musty compartment,
to keep it away
from the Justice Department.


Then he grunts, "I will call you by Whisper-ma-Phone,
for the secrets I tell are for your ears alone."


SLUPP!
Down slupps the Whisper-ma-Phone to your ear
and the old Gates-ler's whispers are not very clear,
since they have to come down
throught a snergelly hose,
and he sounds
as if he had
smallish bees up his nose.


"Now I'll tell you," he says, with charisma of grey,
"how the Linux got lifted and taken away...


It all started way back...
such a long, long time back...


Way back in the days when flying toasters were cool
and a floppy could hold
your entire system install,
and the Mir satellite was still up in space...
one morning, I came to this glorious place.
And I first saw the PCs!
The custom PCs!
The bright-coloured cases of the custom pCs!
mile after mile all lined up in THREEs.


And, sitting at keyboards, I saw the consumers
Growing in numbers with revenue rumours
The chances of riches all ripe like satsumas.


From the silicon valley
came the comfortable sound
of the dot com brigade
there was money around.


But those PCs! Those PCs!
Those custom PCs!
All my life I'd been searching
for PCs such as these.
The glow of their screens
was much brighter than flames.
And Lara brought 3d to all the new games.


I felt a great leaping
of joy in my heart.
I knew just what I'd do!
I unloaded my cart.


In no time at all, I had downed a machine.
Wiped off the old system, leaving it clean.
And with great speedy speed and with marketing jive.
I clicked on the mouse and installed 95!


The instant I'd finished, I heard a rustling thrash!
I looked.
I saw something pop out of the trash
of the PC I'd installed on. He was sort of a sanguine.
Describe him?...That's hard. He looked like a penguin.


He was shortish. and stylish.
not pixelly or lossy.
And he spoke with a voice
that was sharpish and bossy.


"Mister!" he said with a mouth full of soothers,
"I am the Linux. I speak for the users.
I speak for the users, for the awake and the snoozers.
And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs"--
he was very upset as he shouted and wheezed--
"Whats that THING that you've put on that there PC?"


"Look, Linux," I said. "There's no cause for alarm.
I installed just one system. I am doing no harm.
I'm being quite useful. This thing is Win-dows.
There's no need for choice as it already knows!
It's a system. there's a helper. choose the dog or the cat.
But it has other uses. Yes, far beyond that.
For surfing. For typing! undoing deletes!
Or adding up things in your excel spreadsheets!"


The Linux said,
"Sir! You are crazy with greed.
There is no one on earth
who, this system would need!"


But the very next minute I proved he was wrong.
For, just at that minute, a chap came along,
and he thought that the system I'd installed was great.
He happily bought it for three ninety-eight.


I laughed at the Linux, "You poor stupid guy!
You never can tell what some people will buy."


"I repeat," cried the Linux,
"I speak for the users!"


"I'm busy," I told him.
"Shut up, all you losers."


I rushed 'cross the room, and in no time at all,
had run through the MSN messenger install.
I texted all my brothers and uncles and aunts
and I said, "Listen here! Here's a wonderful chance
for the whole Gates-ler Family to get mighty rich!
Get over here fast! Take the road to North Nitch.
Turn left at Weehawken. Sharp right at South Stitch."



And, in no time at all,
in the campus I built,
the whole Gates-ler Family
was working full tilt.
We were all writing software
just as busy as bees,
to the sound of the whirring
of those lovely PCs.


Then...
Oh! Baby! Oh!
How my business did grow!
Now, installing one system
at a time
was too slow.


So I quickly invented my bloated downloader
(Though a few dual boot systems just fizzled like soda).
We were making PCs
four times as slow as before!
And that Linux?...
He didn't show up any more.


But the next week
he knocked
on my new office door.


He snapped, "I'm the Linux who speaks for the users
which you seem to be loading with software abuses.
But I'm also a friend of the hip young designers
who drank lots of coffee all sat in recliners
and worked on their iBooks while out at the diners.


"NOW...thanks to your hacking they've nothing to do,
you've placed this great 'Office' right into their view.
its blocking their vision, they can't see the scene
no room for manoeuvre with Word on machine!


"They loved living here. But I can't let them stay.
They'll have to find flare. And I hope that they may.
Good luck, boys," he cried. And he sent them away.


I, the Gates-ler, felt sad
as I watched them all go.
BUT...
business is business!
And business must grow
regardless of designers in recliners, you know.


I meant no harm. I most truly did not.
But I had to grow bigger. So bigger I got.
I biggered my output, and with a few hacks.
I biggered my downloads - huge great service packs
on the PCs that shipped out, I had a great channel deal
they'd all install windows or my wrath's what they'd feel
I went right on biggering...selling more CDs.
And I biggered my money, which does always please.


Then again he came back! .NET had me slogging
when that old-nuisance Linux came in and called me a noggin.


"I am the Linux," his laptop unfolded.
He yapped and he whined. He snarggled. He scolded.
"Gates-ler!" he cried, now sounding defiant.
You're making most websites just IE compliant!
My poor PC users...the ones who like Netscape!
For them, webpage loading is becoming a sweepstake.


"And so," said the Linux,
"--please pardon my homepage--
they caannot surf here.
With your monopolised outrage.


"Where will they want to go to today?...
I don't hopefully know, if they don't want to pay.


They may have to surf for a month...or a year...
To escape from the honey-pot trap around here.


"What's more," snapped the Linux. (His arms in the air.)
"Let me say a few words on useless bloatware.
Your machinery chugs on, updating, installing.
the disk space it leaves is downright apalling.
And how do you use this leftover space?...
I'll show you. a paperclip? Oh What a waste!


"You're stressing the workers, they're PCs are crash scenes!
They're systems have hung, all frozen on splash screens.
So I'm sending them off. Oh, their future is dreary.
They'll leave their dot coms and get woefully weary
in search of some software, innovative, not stale.
I hear all the clicks as they log out of hotmail."


And then I got mad.
I got terribly mad.
I yelled at the Linux, "Now listen here, Tux!
All you do is yap on about users, that's sucks!
I'll soon have them all on .NET and XP
I intend to go on basing things around me
And, for your information, oh Linux, I'm figgering

on biggering

and BIGGERING

and BIGGERING

and BIGGERING,

turning MORE PCs to running on windows
Our support page will be where EVERYONE, EVERYONE goes!"


And at that very moment, we heard a deep breath!
From outside, a user, with blue screen of death
then a hand on a plug. Then we heard the plug pull.
The very last windows PC of them all!


No more PCs. No more leads. No installs to be done.
So, in no time, my uncles and aunts, every one,
all waved me good-bye. they jumped into my cars
and drove away from the shimmering screensaver stars.


Now all that was left 'neath the dark Redmond sky
was my big empty factory
the Linux...
and I.


The Linux said nothing. Just gave me a glance...
just gave me a very sad, sad backward glance...
as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants.
And I'll never forget the grim look on his face
when he heisted himself and took leave of this place,
through a hole in the security, without leaving a trace.


And all that the Linux left here in my hall
was a small pile of disks, with the one word...
"UNINSTALL."
Whatever that meant, well, I couldn't fathom at all.


That was long, long ago.
But each day since that day
I've sat here and worried
and worried away.
Through the years, while my buildings
have fallen apart,
I've worried about it
with all of my heart.


"But now," says the Gates-ler,
"Now that you're here,
the word of the Linux seems perfectly clear.
UNLESS you UNINSTALL
Windows, the whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better.
It's not.


"SO...
Catch!" calls the Gates-ler.
He lets something fall.
"It's a Linux CD.
It's the last one of all!
You're in charge of the last of the custom PCs.
And custom PCs are what everyone needs.
Install a new system. Treat it with care.
A nice funny mousemat and shiny hardware.
Grow a small network, use Unix! use Mac!
Then the Linux
and all of his friends
may come back."

[linbetwin]

Favor for mankind

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.
In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates.
Only one problem: there are only two bullets.
Who does he shoot?

[matthew]

LOL we all got our lame jokes from the same web site.

[linbetwin]

LOL we all got our lame jokes from the same web site.

You mean http://www.linuxweb.com/lw_jokes.html ?

[Chayak]

The Linux

by Dr. Seuss



LOL!

[linbetwin]

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

[linbetwin]

This is Linux land. In silent nights you can hear the Windows machines rebooting.

[lutrafobic]

chown -R lutrafobic /home/your_username

..or perhaps to geekish?

[linbetwin]

http://www.elmotaheda.com/uploads/images/3/Store-PenguiconFrontColor.jpg

[linbetwin]

http://www.elmotaheda.com/uploads/images/2/TuXperience.jpg

[matthew]

You mean http://www.linuxweb.com/lw_jokes.html ?
That was it. Here's a better contribution from me...

[linbetwin]

Linux Slogans

The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." I can't understand why it won't work on my Linux computer.

It is not too late to turn back from the GATES of hell. Use Linux!

Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.

Got Linux?

Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.


What Bill Gates did not realize was that his daughter would grow up to be a rebel and would never use anything but Linux for her whole life.


Linux, DOS, Windows NT -- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly


Linux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment

We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity -- so UP yours, Microsoft!

Linux: The OS people choose without $200,000,000 of persuasion

The linuX Files -- The Source is Out There.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. Linux is the answer.

Linux: The choice of a GNU generation.

"When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'." -- Linus Torvalds

Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.

By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since sliced bread.


"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds." -- Linus

"Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100 mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." -- Linus

Veni, vidi, Linux!

Microsoft seems to have gotten a lot of mileage out of the C2 rating for NT with no network connection. I wonder if a B3 rating for Linux with no power cord might be of value.

Linux, because we don't need no steenkin' Blue Screen of Death!

Type cat vmlinuz > /dev/audio to hear the Voice of God.

Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.

The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.

Windows NT, from the people who invented EDLIN!

Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses

"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot water." -- By Matt Welsh

Why use Windows, since there is a door?

Fatal Error: Found MS-Windows System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...

Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware Computers are like air conditioners -- they stop working properly if you open WINDOWS

Windows: Microsoft's tax on computer illiterates.

In a world without fences who needs Gates?

Another name for a Windows tutorial is crash course!

Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

NT... the last two letters of bowel movement

Some software money can't buy. For everything else there's Micros~1.

Sticks and Stones may break my bones but FUD will never concern me.

Every program expands until it can send mail. ...Except Exchange.

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

.vbs = Virus Bearing Script?

Technology is positive when the creators put the interests of their users before their bottom line.

We are Linux. Resistance is measured in Ohms.

Have you ever noticed that at trade shows Microsoft is always the one giving away stress balls?

[linbetwin]

"Users of Red Hat 6.0 are discovering a new feature that hasn't been widely advertised: a Blue Screen of Death simulator. By default, the bsodsim program activates when the user hits the virtually unused SysRq key (this is customizable), causing the system to switch to a character cell console to display a ficticious Blue Screen.
Red Hat hails the bsodsim program as the "boss key" for the Linux world. "Many old DOS games had a boss key, which caused the program to switch to a DOS shell or a benign looking screenshot when the boss walked by," a Red Hat engineer explained. "This allowed unscrupulous workers to play games without the knowledge of the PHB. With multitasking, this isn't necessary anymore."
He continued, "However, a new 'boss problem' has emerged. Workers are smuggling Linux boxes into companies that exclusively use Windows. This is all good and well until the PHB walks by and comments, 'That doesn't look like Windows...' With bsodsim, that problem is solved. The worker can hit the emergency SysRq key, and the system will behave just like Windows..."
The bsodsim program doesn't stop at just showing a simulated error message. If the boss doesn't walk away, the worker can continue the illusion by hitting CTRL-ALT-DEL, which causes a simulated reboot. After showing the usual boot messages, bsodsim will run a simulated SCANDISK program indefinitely. The boss won't be able to tell the difference. If the boss continues to hang around, the worker can say, "SCANDISK is really taking a long time... maybe we should upgrade our computers. And don't you have something better to do than watch this computer reboot for the tenth time today?"
Red Hat 6.0 also includes a 'Flying Windows' screensaver for use with X Windows. If the boss happens to walk by your computer when you're away, he still won't be able to tell that it's not running Windows. "

[Irtimid2001]

try this => sudo apt-get moo :)

[cbudden]

try this => sudo apt-get moo :)


Lol :KS

[cbudden]

This is not my own, but from a post on another website -

"Windows has always borrowed, copied, intergrated and assimilated ideas and even source code from many other systems.

A few years back, I remember running a buit-in windows command on a Windows 2000 domain controller, and getting the error message

"error: /dev/tty not found"
"

From - http://forum.digitalspy.co.uk/board/showpost.php?p=6226082&postcount=4

[rem]

cool thread.. check this out!

Windows user's prayer

Our Windows, who is on harddrives
Wide open your ports
You viruses come,
On 95 as it is on XP

Give us this day our daily ServicePacks
and forgive our Linux partitions
as we forgive those flaws from your drivers
and lead us not into the blue screen
but deliver us from software conflicts.

Yours is the whole RAM and harddrive
and all processor's Hertzs
forever and ever CTRL+ALT+DELETE!

[Chayak]

Sad but a true story.

This happened around the 2001/2002 timeframe during a westpac deployment on a Los Angeles-improved class fast attack submarine.

This is how anal the nuclear navy can be...

After so long spent submerged you tend to get bored, a given. I had linux on my dell laptop at the time and some of the other members of the crew started asking me about it. I'd brought along a few install disks so I installed a dual boot setup on their machines. A nuke chief saw this and thought 'OMG, piracy!' and reported me. I was actually taken to captains mast over this despite repeatedly telling them that it was a free operating system and that you could do just that. I was amazed at the stupidity of the situation as nothing I said seemed to register and the nuke chief was on a crusade. I stood at the end of the green table and when asked if I had anything to say. I calmly explained that it was free and downloadable from the company's website (Red Hat) I asked to submit a piece of evidence to support that and brought out my laptop with the license displayed. The CO read it and went red it the face, first snapping at me why I hadn't mentioned this and saved him from wasting his time. I replied that the investigating chief refused to review items of my defense. The CO nodded, gave me my laptop and all the items that had been taken from me for evidence and apologised for wasting my time, dropped the charge and dismissed me and everyone else save that chief. The screaming @ss chewing commenced... ah, sweet victory.

[poptones]

Did you ever go to google to try to find a site you found last week but you can't remember what you typed in to find it? So you get in this habit of setting bookmarks but then you get like a jillion bookmarks and you still can't find it.

Google has this new database service where you can upload anything you want and they will store it and make it searchable. So, I'm uploading all my bookmarks to the google database...

[Chayak]

Did you ever go to google to try to find a site you found last week but you can't remember what you typed in to find it? So you get in this habit of setting bookmarks but then you get like a jillion bookmarks and you still can't find it.

Google has this new database service where you can upload anything you want and they will store it and make it searchable. So, I'm uploading all my bookmarks to the google database...

This is either odd humor that isn't clicking or totally unrelated...

[poptones]

Pretend you're listening to Steven Wright...

[matthew]

This is either odd humor that isn't clicking or totally unrelated...
Google is making a database so you can search for stuff on Google...it's recursive. Not hysterically funny, but amusing in a wry sort of way and better than my contributions to this thread so far...

[bored2k]

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Where's the joke in that?

[bonzodog]

bored2k:
This is a form of geek humour that only us real geeks understand.
I found it funny.....

[bored2k]

bored2k:
This is a form of geek humour that only us real geeks understand.
I found it funny.....
Nanda kore...
Ok. It's still not funny.

[chaumurky]

chown -R lutrafobic /home/your_username

..or perhaps to geekish?

got root?

[Yoda_Oz]

ok... heres one. you'll only get this if you are an aussie and you can see the funny side of ALL jokes...

a geek was sitting at a bar and a hot blonde walks up to him and says:
"Hey baby! Wanna root?"
the geek stood there dumbfounded and then suddenly replied:
"its not safe to be root!"

sorry. bad joke.

[Ahriman]

BAHAHAHAHAHA

I am an aussie, and I found that effin hilarious, gg

[bored2k]

ok... heres one. you'll only get this if you are an aussie and you can see the funny side of ALL jokes...

a geek was sitting at a bar and a hot blonde walks up to him and says:
"Hey baby! Wanna root?"
the geek stood there dumbfounded and then suddenly replied:
"its not safe to be root!"

sorry. bad joke.
I want to understand it :$. Please explain?

[Drain]

I want to understand it :$. Please explain?

"Root" is Aussie slang - I suppose the polite translation of the joke would be "Hey Baby, would you like to come over to my place so that we may engage in sexual intercourse?" but that's not nearly as funny. :-)

[bored2k]

"Root" is Aussie slang - I suppose the polite translation of the joke would be "Hey Baby, would you like to come over to my place so that we may engage in sexual intercourse?" but that's not nearly as funny. :-)
I re-read the joke switching root with the word **** . Man.. that's not funny... that's sad :(. I could have given that answer !!! I'll make sure I think twice everytime a girl talks to me about root ;).

[chaumurky]

boring2k, boring...


;-P

[bored2k]

boring2k, boring...


;-P
you guys hate me :( ..

[chaumurky]

Just walk up to the blonde and say "got root?". Then *SLAP* you're in /tmp on reboot row...


EDIT: Ha! my 200th post :)

[equal]

I liked the "wanna root" joke. I think you guys are being ridiculous if you don't get the humour there. You gotta use both meanings of root, silly.

[cohcon]

MS buys Evil from Satan... oldie but goodie...

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2000/4/MS_Buys_Evil.html

[cohcon]

My Name is Conn and I’m a linux User. Even though I realize my suggestions will be summarily ignored, linux software will named something that has nothing to do with it's use and Steve Ballmer will hate me, linux has changed my life for the better!

Food tastes better (even bad food), I’m taller, my ***** grew a full 2 inches (I’m up to two inches now!!), the rancid odor that once followed me around is now only semi-rancid and I save 20% a year on my heating and cooling bill!!!

Cheers,
Conn

[Limulus]

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines (http://linuxgazette.net/issue45/orr.html) (September 1999)

[steveneddy]

you guys hate me :( ..

Not yet - but I'm starting to.

Just want more beans.

BTW, what do I get when I get to 1000 posts? Or do I have to start some threads first, or something? And, um, can we take a test when this is all over so we can be Ubuntu certified? I think I wanna be an UCSA (Ubuntu Certified Systems Administrator)

[richbarna]

Q: What's the difference between a Windows PC and a Trampoline ?
A: You take your boots OFF to jump on a trampoline.

[Stormbringer]

Just to add an old-story to the ongoing collection-effort...

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

Picard:
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi:
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.


Riker [puzzled]
What the hell is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain]
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard:
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data:
Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard:
Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data:
Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

Geordi:
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

Picard:
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

Data:
Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker:
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited]
Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

Picard:
Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays]
Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard:
Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker:
Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi:
As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

Picard:
How much time will that buy us?

Data:
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi:
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard:
Identify.

Data:
It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers]

This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

Data:
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard:
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker:
My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data:
I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]
Lawyers!!

Geordi:
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data:
True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker:
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data:
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker:
They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard:
Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!


And to add a pseudo M$ft bashing sig ...
In a world without walls and fences, WHO needs windows and gates?

[Stormbringer]

Oh, another one I found lurking in the depths of my hard drive ...

If Restaurants functioned like Microsoft....

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer;what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

[Stormbringer]

And a last one ...

What if God used Unix?
The Online Book of Genesis
IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify God's ways to the 21st century.)

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

$Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

$God

#Enter password.

$Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

$Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

$Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

$Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

$Create light

#Done

$Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

$Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

$Create firmament

#Done.

$Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

$Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

$Create dry_land

#Done.

$Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

$Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

#Unspecified type. Try again.

$Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

$Run sun_moon_stars

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

$Create fish

#Done

$Create fowl

#Done

$Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

$Create cattle

#Done

$Create creepy_things

#Done

$Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

$Create man

#Done

$Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.

$Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

$Insert breath

#Done

$Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

$Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

$Create Garden.edn

#Done

$Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

$Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

$Copy woman from man

#Done

$Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

$Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

$Insert man into woman

#Done

$Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

$Create desire

#Done

$Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
#in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

$Create freewill

#Done

$Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
#Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

$Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

$Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

$Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

$Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
#in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

$Create good, evil

#Done

$Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
#Garden.edn. 1 errors.

$Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

$Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has en activated.

$Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

$Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again

$Break
$Break
$Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.

$Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.

$Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

$Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

[towsonu2003]

And a last one ...

What if God used Unix?

(...)

$Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

$Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again

$Break
$Break
$Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.

$Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.

$Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

$Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

no gui? Linux is not ready for god!

[ZylGadis]

God is not ready for Linux, rather. If you can't appreciate CLI, there is no way to create or even administer a world :)

[cokhavim]

i thought we were supposed to tell Linux jokes, not Microsoft jokes.

i for one prefer to celebrate linux for being linux, and not for being "not-windows."

[xmastree]

Not linux, well not any OS really. so...

A manager, a hardware engineer and a software engineer are going down a hill in a car. The brakes fail, and with no means of slowing down the car accelerates as it goes down. Eventually the driver decides it's best to put the car in a ditch, so they brace themselves and it's all over. Car stopped, no-one hurt.
After congratulating the driver for his skill, they start debating what to do next.
The manager says they ought to call a meeting, weigh up various options, reach a conclusion and act on it.
"No" says the hardware guy, "I have my swiss army knife here, and some spare parts. I'll bet I can fix it"
"Hang on" says the software engineer, "before doing anything drastic, why don't we push it back up the hill and see if it happens again?"

[vierranet]

Did you ever go to google to try to find a site you found last week but you can't remember what you typed in to find it? So you get in this habit of setting bookmarks but then you get like a jillion bookmarks and you still can't find it.

Google has this new database service where you can upload anything you want and they will store it and make it searchable. So, I'm uploading all my bookmarks to the google database...

LOL 4afew

[ExMachina]

you guys rock!

[T-MAN3000]

why don't you guys try: http://www.bash.org/?search=linux&sort=0&show=100

[Axis]

Whats the difference between a computer hacker and bill gates? Computer hackers get fines and jail time for crashing computers.

[fakie_flip]

Hey, this is a really awesome screensaver for winblows. Can anyone make it work in Linux?

http://www.microsoft.com/technet/sysinternals/Miscellaneous/BlueScreen.mspx

[xmastree]

There is a BSOD screensaver included with xscreensaver.

http://www.jwz.org/xscreensaver/screenshots/

[praxis22]

no gui? Linux is not ready for god!

Clearly you have never heard of "the right pinky of God"

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=the+right+pinky+of+God&btnG=Search&meta=

Meanwhile I went in search of this and found it much updated:


UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

etc.

http://www.zyra.org.uk/os-air.htm

Then there is the Haiku 404 message:

http://www.cs.helsinki.fi/u/vallittu/



How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Lightbulb

However, the one that made me laugh the most was this:

Hardware: The part of the computer you kick when the software stops working.

Thank you, I'll be here all week, try the veal :)

[BwackNinja]

Whats the difference between gnu/linux and windows?

You have to break windows in order to get anywhere.

[Orbital75]

Bill Gates and the CD of Power

Of course, we have to have a Lord of the Rings reference:

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.

I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272 696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062 696E64207468656D

"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

[Orbital75]

Bill Gates in Afterlife

Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"

St. Peter turns from his Linux machine to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."

[skillllllz]

Q: What did Linux say to the Windows partition?
A: Go fsck yourself!!

[thebeefytaco]

sudo chown -R us ./allyourbase
^if you don't get that you are a noob.

[catfacts]

One day God called the President of the United States, an Atheist and Bill Gates to heaven. When they go there God told them that He was going to end the world in 30 days. He wanted to tell them so they could inform the rest of the world. The Atheist leader went back and said to his friend "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news it we were wrong about, there is a God. And the worse news is he is going to end the world in 30 days". The President went back and told the Senate "I have good news and bad news. The good news is God is talking to me! Oh.. and the bad news is he is going to kill us all in 30 days." Bill went back to Micro$oft and called a meeting. When everyone go there he said "I have good news and better news. The good news it, God thinks I'm on of the most well connected people on earth. The better news is, we don't have to fix Windows Vista!"

Always liked this one along with

Use the very best:
Mac for Graphics
Linux for Stability
Unix for Servers
and Windows for Servers

[LaRoza]

http://computerjokes.net/005.htm

I find this to be very funny, but it is not fit for posting because of its length (it is a dialogue)

[jpkotta]

sudo aptitude install funny-manpages

This shows which manpages it has installed

dpkg -L funny-manpages

[multifaceted]

So, have you guys heard the one about the penguin?...

[Spike-X]

sudo chown -R us ./allyourbase
^if you don't get that you are a noob.
Ha!

Nice one.

[Darth Arturito]

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? A: 3 years

Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.


"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."

"Linux is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus Torvalds

[Hortinstein]

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? A: 3 years

Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.


"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."

"Linux is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus Torvalds

wow some of those are great....linus has a lot of funny quotes...my fav is

"Hey, maybe I could apply for a saint-hood from the Pope. Does somebody know what his email-address is? I'm so nice it makes you puke."
(taken from Linus's reply to someone worried about the future of Linux)

hes a pretty colorful character....

[lyceum]

True story, I was talking to an HP help desk rep, trying to explain that I got rid of XP and loaded Windows, but I needed a question answered about my hard ware. After getting him to realize that Ubuntu/Linux was an OS, not a program, his responce:

"Hard ware, this is like software but more difficult, yes?"

[Blessed_Coffee]

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


Three engineers were at the local watering hole after working late(like that never happens)

The mechanical engineering was studying the way his arm moved while hoisting a cold one. "The human body must have been designed by a mechanical engineer." He said. "Just look at the way those tendons pull the bone, a perfect example of torque and leverage."

"No way," replied the electrical engineer. "Those muscles would just lie there without the electrical signals carried by nerves from the brain." "The designer had to have been an electrical engineer to solve the wiring problem."

The third engineer was a bit sloshed. "Mushta been Civil Engineer," he slurred. "Who elshe would put a recre-ational area right over a major waste disposal ssssite?"


Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager. :)

[xmastree]

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project.
They are travelling down a mountain in a car when the brakes fail.
After bouncing off walls, and lots of panicking, they finally stop.

The manager decides to call a meeting, analyse the problem, find someone to blame, someone else to fix it.

The hardware engineer suggests that he be allowed to take a look and maybe he can repair it and complete the journey.

The software engineer says "Before doing any of that, let's push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again"

:)

[olskar]

They are travelling down a mountain in a car when the brakes fail.
After bouncing off walls, and lots of panicking, they finally stop.

The manager decides to call a meeting, analyse the problem, find someone to blame, someone else to fix it.

The hardware engineer suggests that he be allowed to take a look and maybe he can repair it and complete the journey.

The software engineer says "Before doing any of that, let's push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again"

:)

:lolflag:

[Exsecrabilus]

My Name is Conn and I’m a linux User. Even though I realize my suggestions will be summarily ignored, linux software will named something that has nothing to do with it's use and Steve Ballmer will hate me, linux has changed my life for the better!

Food tastes better (even bad food), I’m taller, my ***** grew a full 2 inches (I’m up to two inches now!!), the rancid odor that once followed me around is now only semi-rancid and I save 20% a year on my heating and cooling bill!!!

Cheers,
Conn
What the hell?

[Exsecrabilus]

i thought we were supposed to tell Linux jokes, not Microsoft jokes.

i for one prefer to celebrate linux for being linux, and not for being "not-windows."
You are so right. The majority of the jokes here are about Microsoft.


Whats the difference between a computer hacker and bill gates? Computer hackers get fines and jail time for crashing computers.
One of the funniest ever, LOL.


Bill Gates in Afterlife

Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"

St. Peter turns from his Linux machine to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."
So much win, just so much win.


sudo chown -R us ./allyourbase
^if you don't get that you are a noob.
OH NOEZ, ME A N00B!


http://computerjokes.net/005.htm

I find this to be very funny, but it is not fit for posting because of its length (it is a dialogue)
Weird mock-up of "Who's on First."


True story, I was talking to an HP help desk rep, trying to explain that I got rid of XP and loaded Windows, but I needed a question answered about my hard ware. After getting him to realize that Ubuntu/Linux was an OS, not a program, his responce:

"Hard ware, this is like software but more difficult, yes?"
What? You mean Ubuntu, right?

[CheShA]

A Geek's one night stand:

whois && gawk && uname && talk && date && wine && touch && unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes; yes; more; yes; umount && make clean && sleep

[5m0k3]

http://www.linuxhaxor.net/2008/05/04/funny-side-of-linux/

[atomkarinca]

I just came up with one:

/home is where the /heart is.

[changlinn]

I have a shirt that says

"There is no place like 127.0.0.1"

There was another that Said
"There is no place like ~"

Also thebeefytaco it is:
"#chown -R us /base"
Because -R is recursive, hence ALL. I have a shirt thats has that on it too :) I am a geek, my wife knows it, I revel in it, below are some others I like.

"Bow before me for I am root"
"Life is like a keyboard, always keep one finger on the escape key"
"Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script"
"01000100
01000001
01000100" (Dad in Binary, my missus has Mom)
"V1.0" (My son has V2.0)

[dracule]

I just came up with one:

/home is where the /heart is.

there is no home directory or a heart directory.

$ cd ~/
$ ls
heart

bit more sly

[Stone123]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png
I know old one.

Also


$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery

$ touch /woman
touch: cannot touch `woman': Permission denied

$ look into "my eyes"
can’t open my eyes

$ man -kisses dog
dog: nothing appropriate





The box said "Windows XP, Windows Vista or better".. so I installed Linux

[keiichidono]

Quite a few of those bash comamnds don't work exactly as you put it but i can see your point. :D

[weasel7711]

What is Obama's favorite sed command?







Change

[hufferd]

The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun, we don`t **** on our hands."


That is to funny :lolflag:

[amitai]

i thought we were supposed to tell Linux jokes, not Microsoft jokes.

i for one prefer to celebrate linux for being linux, and not for being "not-windows."

agreed

[sharathpaps]

oh...this is priceless man...its really really good!!!! :-)

[Old_Grey_Wolf]

You may not find this funny; however, it brought back some old memories.

[lyceum]

You may not find this funny; however, it brought back some old memories.

lol :popcorn:

[Namtabmai]

You may not find this funny; however, it brought back some old memories.

I'm getting flash backs to Windows 98 and some ATI drivers, but other than that I can't remember. Seems the therapy is working!

[lyceum]

I'm getting flash backs to Windows 98 and some ATI drivers, but other than that I can't remember. Seems the therapy is working!

I loved Windows 98, just reinstall it once a month and it worked great for me :D

[Montblanc_Kupo]

Surprised I didn't see this... was always one of My favorite geeky jokes. Not linux per se... but geeky hehe.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... those that can read binary and those that can't.

When chatting online with My friends and they say something annoying... My recent response has been

sudo rm -rf /you

I'm only keeping the friends that laugh. hehe

[spupy]

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2003/6/30/

:)

[suitedaces]

Computing is like sex - better when Steve Ballmer/Steve Jobs (delete as appropriate!) isn't involved.

[barnacleboy]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... those that can read binary, those that can't and those that can read ternary.

Fixed.


:D

[joshdudeha]

I don't know if this has already been said, but i havent had the time to look through.

Linux Users get laid as often as they have to reboot.
OH dear, a friend told me, ok (:

[SlickRick]

I don't know if this has already been said, but i havent had the time to look through.

Linux Users get laid as often as they have to reboot.
OH dear, a friend told me, ok (:

I reboot quite a lot because of all of the zombie processes from adobe air ;)

[JackieChan]

well, these aren't really linux jokes but i cant bear to see the thread sit empty...besides, i think people here will enjoy them.

----------

3 people had carpool: A mechanical engineer, a electrical engineer and a microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.
Mechanical engineer said: "hey! It has to be the fuel injection. Lemme fix it."
the electrical engineer didn't agree: "it's magneto probably. I'll fix it."
microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "hey guys, i have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back into it, and it should run!"

---------

there was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "hey! Where am i?" to this, the solitary office worker replies "you're in a plane." the pilot rolls up the window, executes a 180 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "simple" replies the pilot, "i asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
lol

[davo11]

One day Bill Gates died and met god. God said "Now then, Bill, i'll show you heaven and hell and you can choose which one you want to go to. Sound good?"
"Yeah!,"replies Gates.
So god takes Gates to hell first. In hell he shows him pretty maidens, beautiful landscapes and an endless supply of pop tarts.
"So you like it?"he asks him.
"Yeah, it's great,"Gates replies.
So god takes him to heaven. In heaven he shows him quite pretty maidens, quite beautiful landscapes and a not quite endless supply of pop tarts.
"So bill have you made your choice?"
"Yes, God. i want to go to hell,"
"OK then."
And Bill Gates is whisked away to hell. But it is not the hell he saw before. Here there are no pretty maidens, no beautiful landscapes and no pop tarts. Instead there are all the most horrible things ever.
"Aaaahhhh! Where am I!"asks Gates.
"In hell,"replies god.
"But it's not how it was before!"cries Gates.
"Aahh. That was just the demo Bill."

[joshdudeha]

One day Bill Gates died and met god. God said "Now then, Bill, i'll show you heaven and hell and you can choose which one you want to go to. Sound good?"
"Yeah!,"replies Gates.
So god takes Gates to hell first. In hell he shows him pretty maidens, beautiful landscapes and an endless supply of pop tarts.
"So you like it?"he asks him.
"Yeah, it's great,"Gates replies.
So god takes him to heaven. In heaven he shows him quite pretty maidens, quite beautiful landscapes and a not quite endless supply of pop tarts.
"So bill have you made your choice?"
"Yes, God. i want to go to hell,"
"OK then."
And Bill Gates is whisked away to hell. But it is not the hell he saw before. Here there are no pretty maidens, no beautiful landscapes and no pop tarts. Instead there are all the most horrible things ever.
"Aaaahhhh! Where am I!"asks Gates.
"In hell,"replies god.
"But it's not how it was before!"cries Gates.
"Aahh. That was just the demo Bill."


Oh dear, Rofl.

[3rdalbum]

http://blogs.sun.com/roller/resources/marigan/vim.gif

[tarps87]

When chatting online with My friends and they say something annoying... My recent response has been

sudo rm -rf /you


Montblanc_Kupo is not in the sudoers file. This incident will be reported.

[twistdhood]

Oh my, the vi/vim image is killer...that is FUNNY!!!

Here's some one liners I've compiled...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...
.....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Hiroshima..45........Tjernobil..86........Windows. .95....
Hit any user to continue.
Hi! I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue.
The box said: 'install on Windows 95, NT 4.0 or better'. So I installed it on Linux.
User error: Replace user and press any key to continue.
One if by LAN, two if by C.
One man's constant is another man's variable.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window.
Is your cat caught in the printer?
#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))
*progress = \&None;
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually the programmer.
Programming is a lot like sex. One mistake and you could have to support it the rest of your life.

[twistdhood]

Another oldie I came across...

Not really a linux joke, but indeed a general software/versioning joke..


I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.

He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1..0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.

And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources!

[calrogman]

sudo chown -R us ./allyourbase
mv -f ./you /dev/null

[RiceMonster]

http://blogs.sun.com/roller/resources/marigan/vim.gif

I lol'd

[ajn132]

-Make me a sandwich.
-No. Do it yourself.
-Sudo Make me a sandwich.
-Oh ok.

Hope this isn't a repeat for this thread #-o

[vasiliymeshko]

some shortcuts...
http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/8342/keyboard.gif

[vasiliymeshko]

The new vi assistant is hilarious :lolflag:

[vasiliymeshko]

http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/922/funnypicturesyourkitten.jpg

[vasiliymeshko]

I had a laugh (or two) yesterday while letting the Ubuntu update manager do its thing:
http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/7453/screenos.png

[ukripper]

Ubuntu Linux sucks;)

[The Real Dave]

Not Linux at all, but two I heard yesterday

_____________________________________
A virus walks into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve viruses here". The virus replaces him and says "We do now".

____________________________________
A beta particle walks into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beta particles here". The beta particle replies, "Oh, dont worry, I'm just passing through".

A chemistry joke curtsy of XKCD

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orbitals.png

[Tipped OuT]

Does anyone even notice how old this thread is?

[Kdar]

wow.. it started in 2005??? I just checked it..
Thats old.. I was thinking someone created it recently.

[Zoot7]

A random one (not really linux orientated) a friend emailed to me a while back:

Things Computers Can Do in Movies

1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".)
23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001")
27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

[alphaniner]

28. You can access the CPU of a cyborg from the future by plugging it into a PCI slot. (Terminator: The Sara Connor Chronicles)

[RiceMonster]

A random one (not really linux orientated) a friend emailed to me a while back:

Things Computers Can Do in Movies

*snip*

Haha, I remember reading that a while ago. Funny stuff.

[Zoot7]

An Engineering one that gave me quite a chuckle. :)

Electrical Engineer Song

100 buckets of bits on the bus,
100 buckets of bits,
Take one down, short it to ground,
FF buckets of bits on the bus.

[samh785]

try this => sudo apt-get moo :)
lol, wtf?

[phillw]

sudo aptitude install funny-manpagesThis shows which manpages it has installed

dpkg -L funny-manpages

That is TOO Funny

Thanks !!!

Phill.

[madhi19]

28. You can access the CPU of a cyborg from the future by plugging it into a PCI slot. (Terminator: The Sara Connor Chronicles)

Yeah that part bugged me but it ok because Skynet is actually the Google cloud OS who merged with the Linux Kernel 3.0.0.0 and the Borgified brains of both Linus Torvalds and Richard Stallman to form the first Biocomputer/Borg Hive! lolll

[Shippou]

Not really a joke, but a very cool quote:



“Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.”
(Alanna)


Other quotes here: http://www.devtopics.com/101-great-computer-programming-quotes/

[LeifAndersen]

Along that line, after listening to enough episodes of security now: http://twit.tv/sn I came up with this saying:

javascript is like having sex, noscript, is like using condemns

[ssj6akshat]

Windows is 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

[Frak]

Windows is 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Never really understood that one. I mean, it makes an ok joke until you get to "can't stand 1 bit of competition!", and then you look at marketshares and go "wut".

Mine

“The Internet? Is that thing still around?”
(Homer Simpson)


“There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.”
(C.A.R. Hoare)

[jrothwell97]

Windows is 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Old and invalid since Windows NT.


A computer virus is any piece of software that fulfils the following criteria:

It is found installed on a computer usually without the owner's consent.
It has an adverse effect on the computer's performance.

Norton AntiVirus fulfils both of these criteria.

[scragar]

A computer virus is any piece of software that fulfils the following criteria:

It is found installed on a computer usually without the owner's consent.
It has an adverse effect on the computer's performance.


Norton AntiVirus fulfils both of these criteria.


So does any windows version, what's your point?

[jwbrase]

A random one (not really linux orientated) a friend emailed to me a while back:


24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.

Well, within a single generation of computers that's a bit fake, but across generations, the smaller computers get, the more powerful they become, because signal lag across the machine decreases.

Heck, cell phones nowadays have photo realistic 2D capabilities.



25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.

Well, I do have Skype on here. And if the Cray supercomputer in question is the Cray Y-MP, then I think my video card alone outperforms it. :-)

[Keyper7]

Never really understood that one. I mean, it makes an ok joke until you get to "can't stand 1 bit of competition!", and then you look at marketshares and go "wut".

I think the idea is that it can't stand still in face of competition, in the sense that it immediately does everything in its power to crush it.

[Tipped OuT]

Never really understood that one. I mean, it makes an ok joke until you get to "can't stand 1 bit of competition!", and then you look at marketshares and go "wut".


Ehh, I don't know man. That actually made me laugh.

[johnboy1313]

http://www.roverpundit.com/images/linux.jpg

[Ji Ruo]

Aptitude has an easter egg as well (despite what they say)


aptitude -v moo
aptitude -v -v moo
aptitude -v -v -v moo

etc.

[scragar]

Aptitude has an easter egg as well (despite what they say)


aptitude -v moo
aptitude -v -v moo
aptitude -v -v -v moo

etc.


aptitude -v moo
aptitude -vv moo
aptitude -vvv moo
You can put multiple flags in a single section like that, much easier.

[chriswyatt]

http://www.roverpundit.com/images/linux.jpg

Haha, this was genius.

[ssj6akshat]

chmod a+x /bin/laden

[Zoot7]

Aptitude has an easter egg as well (despite what they say)


aptitude -v moo
aptitude -v -v moo
aptitude -v -v -v moo

etc.
:lolflag:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/linux_user_at_best_buy.png

[ssj6akshat]

http://hackles.org/strips/cartoon318.png

[The Real Dave]

Not a linux joke, but one that I found hilarious :) Hands up if you get it


Schrödinger's Cat walks into a bar.....but doesn't :)

[TenPlus1]

Me: Make me a sandwich.

Friend: Make it yourself *******!

Me: SUDO Make me a sandwich

Friend: Oh! Ok.

[Linuxforall]

http://www.roverpundit.com/images/linux.jpg

Thanks, this one is truly funny.:D

[The Real Dave]

Me: Make me a sandwich.

Friend: Make it yourself *******!

Me: SUDO Make me a sandwich

Friend: Oh! Ok.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png

[Scott S]

aptitude -v moo
aptitude -vv moo
aptitude -vvv moo
You can put multiple flags in a single section like that, much easier.

LOL haven't seen or even thought of that for ages!



What's this script do?
unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're
in a sleeping bag, camping out with your girlfriend. :P

[Dreamer-of-Days]

Not too sure if any of you played DeadSpace, but at one point the computer tech says "Okay, I've hacked root." That brought up a good point with me and my buddies. IF we ever advance to an outer space point in our "civilization" space ships would have to run off Unix/Linux. Yevon forbid the system get an update off a satellite.
"Hey Steve did you see that new chick in engi-"
"Windows has finished installing the update. System will now restart."
"Oh ****."
"I don't wanna die! I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
"Push the pause/break key!"
"It doesn't do anything!!!"
"Quick! Open task manager!"
"Control alt delete! CONTROL ALT DEL*cough gasp*"
4 hours later after the system reboots.
"Life support systems now online. SysChk displays that [100%] of the crew is now deceased."
The little paper clip holograph pops up on the bridge.
"Looks like you've got some dead people on the bridge. Want some help with that?"

Sorry if you don't get it. I tried to avoid colloquialism.

[ssj6akshat]

this is an ubuntu joke many of you might not find it funny but i like it


Ubuntu is an ancient african word which means we are what we are all thanks to Shuttlworth's money.

Please don't be angry

[darsu]

Just spotted in the comments (http://tech.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=1559114) of a Slashdot article on random number generation:

"I always thought the WiFi radio in laptops would be a good thing for generating random numbers."

"Brilliant! Just assign a bit based on whether or not it works in a given Ubuntu release!"

[Austin25]

I have a good one in my signature. I should probably make it shorter.

[darsu]

Did you hear about the coder who tried to use libegyptiangods?

He couldn't make sense of the apis.

[zeroseven0183]

Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.



Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
See 3.
See 4.
See 5.
See 6.
See 7.
See 8.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduces 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…


Source: Darksat IT Security Forums (http://bit.ly/br9XM1)

[SoFl W]

Saw a cartoon YEARS ago but never saved it and I don't remember where I saw it. Interior of a plane, three seats in the row, the three people are getting their computers out and each are wearing a T-shirt. One had the Linux logo, one had the Windows logo, and one had a Mac logo. The caption was "Trouble Brewing", cracked me up.

[Rasa1111]

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
__________________

hahahaha!!
i literally lol'd. lol :lol:


The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." I can't understand why it won't work on my Linux computer.

hahaha :D


"When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'." -- Linus Torvalds


Fatal Error: Found MS-Windows System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...
lmaooo!! :D Niice!

Cool thread. lol :)

[mamamia88]

Don't know if this has been posted but i'm too lazy to read entire thread to read the entire thread. Two lumberjacks are talking to eachother. One says "I don't think we are going to be able to cut down this tree". The other says "why not?" . The first lumberjack says "we can't get root acesss."

I know it's kind of lame

[polardude1983]

Guy 1: "Make me a sandwich"
Guy 2: "No, make it yourself!"
Guy 1: "Sudo make me a sandwhich"
Guy 2: "Ok"

[Austin25]

Guy 1: "Make me a sandwich"
Guy 2: "No, make it yourself!"
Guy 1: "Sudo make me a sandwhich"
Guy 2: "Ok"
It's not nice to rip off xkcd. Especially because that specific comic was posted the page before this one.


#whatis Windows
Windows: nothing appropriate.

[Dayofswords]

buy linux mugs, tshirts and magnets
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"




yes i stole it off the interwebz, but i like it

[murderslastcrow]

Lol, Windows Air needs Wubi.

[ayuki123]

LOL we all got our lame jokes from the same web site.hahahaha

[ronnielsen1]

http://folk.uio.no/hpv/linuxtoons/dilbert.2007-01-25.gif



MORE HERE (http://folk.uio.no/hpv/linuxtoons/index.html)

[Khakilang]

Why Microsoft rename their Window back to numbers? First there was Window 95, 98, 2000 and after that there is Window ME (Made Easy), Window NT (Not There yet) Window XP (Extra Problem) Window Vista (Virus Infected System To All). So now you know why the latest Window is name Window 7 and not some fancy name?

[julio_cortez]

after that there is Window ME (Made Easy)
I thought it stood for Mistake Edition, am I wrong?

[ronnielsen1]

I thought it stood for Mistake Edition, am I wrong?

I know what the 1st part stands for

WINDOWS Wonderful Interface No Dos User Would Sanction

WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

[Rasa1111]

http://folk.uio.no/hpv/linuxtoons/foxtrot.1999-08-16.png

haha
(thanks for the linux comics link) <3

:D

http://folk.uio.no/hpv/linuxtoons/doonesbury.1999-12-14.png
lol :P

[zeroseven0183]

Please don't try this at /home

http://www.pcweenies.com/comics/2008-01-09_pcw.jpg

[jrusso2]

Operating Systems and Airlines


Different operating systems. Different styles. But what if the quirks and styles of the different operating systems were applied to AIRLINES?

What if airlines ran things the way operating systems do? This humorous analogy, applying operating system philosophies as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated amusing story, and we'd credit the author if we knew who wrote it!

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

OSX Air:

You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says "Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture", at which point a camera in the wall you didn't notice before takes your picture. "Thank you, here is your ticket" You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself "wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing"

Windows Vista Airlines:

You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are "sure" you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.

Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked "Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?" you instinctively say "Allow".

After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn't updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.

You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

[Rasa1111]

ok, now the thread is just getting multiple reposts of the same exact stuff...
over and over again.. :@@: lol

[lenswipe]

root@samba:~$ sudo ^elect a new government^
-bash: :s^elect a new government^: substitution failed

[Quadunit404]

sudo apt-get install soviet-russia
apt: error: in Soviet Russia, apt-get install YOU!

[jokesmaster]

Share a joke!!!

http://grepler.com/articles/index/57428/alt.jokes

laughter is the best medicine! ;)

[Daisuke_Aramaki]

Not a Linux joke. But this is good. Thanks to carpetsmoker for posting this.

Now, can you guess who's incharge of IT from this picture?

http://www.deansproperty.com.au/content/design/home_staffgroup.jpg

http://www.deansproperty.com.au/Home/Profiles

[beercz]

Not a Linux joke. But this is good. Thanks to carpetsmoker for posting this.

Now, can you guess who's incharge of IT from this picture?

http://www.deansproperty.com.au/content/design/home_staffgroup.jpg

http://www.deansproperty.com.au/Home/Profiles
Yay!! I got it right!! :popcorn:

[WRDN]

aptitude moo
>

aptitude moo -v
>

aptitude moo -vv
>

aptitude moo -vvv
>

aptitude moo -vvvv
>

aptitude moo -vvvvv
>

aptitude moo -vvvvvv

:D

[PohyCZek]

apt-getLast row ;)

[Spice Weasel]

Ubuntu is an ancient African word meaning "I can't configure Debian."

[Aquix]

Not a Linux joke. But this is good. Thanks to carpetsmoker for posting this.

Now, can you guess who's incharge of IT from this picture?

http://www.deansproperty.com.au/content/design/home_staffgroup.jpg

http://www.deansproperty.com.au/Home/Profiles

Thats too funny :)


Paul Van Komen

IT Consultant


Nice find :lolflag:

[Random_Dude]

How to fix your computer.




http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/fix_computer/windows.png





http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/fix_computer/apple.png







http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/fix_computer/linux.png

Source: http://theoatmeal.com/

[yo_bhan]

How to fix your computer.




http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/fix_computer/windows.png





http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/fix_computer/apple.png







http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/fix_computer/linux.png

Source: http://theoatmeal.com/
LOL very funny..:D

[debd]

No words. Just a pic. >:)

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/21195653/man.png

[FMAnimus]

All of these posts are great. LOL

[Linux_junkie]

Not related to Linux, but...

[Helpdesk] "Once your ready just press any key to continue"

[User] "Where's the 'Any' key?"

[forrestcupp]

Q) How many Linux developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A) None. There were 1,000 devs who set up a project and a team to research it. Then they found out light bulbs aren't free, so they got mad decided to just open the curtains.

[debd]

:)

[PayPaul]

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
:lolflag:

Well, I have Linux, and for the most part it works but it still can't explain and I'll say it again..Why doesn't my mouse work. It's an endless refrain. For which I still have no answer.

But I'm certain someday that Great Penquin on top of my screen will tell me.

[PayPaul]

Q) How many Linux developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A) None. There were 1,000 devs who set up a project and a team to research it. Then they found out light bulbs aren't free, so they got mad decided to just open the curtains.

One word: Ouch!

[Atamisk]

http://xkcd.com/963/


:lolflag: