Some Wednesday morning humor?

[IusedTObeSOMEONEelse]

........And then the fight started......


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My
wife asked, 'Do you
know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years a go, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed
over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
And then the fight started.........

[BigSilly]

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

Thanks for that. Feel much better now!

[fluteflute]

Very nice, never heard any of them before!

[sujoy]

ROFL :lolflag::lolflag::mrgreen:=D>

[IusedTObeSOMEONEelse]

Heres an add on

Blonde Mortician


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does
look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her
husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue
suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't
care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much
did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her
with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of
that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought
in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said, 'it made no difference as
long as he looked nice.'
"So I just switched the heads."


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

[MaxIBoy]

Those are great!

[IusedTObeSOMEONEelse]

Let me throw these in for today



A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets
on the plane to find himself seated next to an older,
weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans
and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old
cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.
"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much
more quickly if you strike up a conversation with
a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says,
"Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with
a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young
man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an
interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question
first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass.

Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."


"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile,
"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear
proliferation when you don't know sh*t?"


More....


A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a Blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T' She looked puzzled, and
repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.' The blonde was trying to keep it
friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as
possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,

''T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday