Best Linux or Computer-related Jokes/Insults?

[jamieh]

What are the best Linux or computer-related jokes or insults you have heard?

I personally like:
- Go apt-get a brain!
- Oxymoron: Microsoft Works

What do you have?

[eldragon]

ubuntu is an ancient african word that means "i cant configure debian"

[madjr]

ubuntu is an ancient african word that means "i cant configure debian"

lulz :)

[Afkpuz]

Guy to girl: Go make me a sandwich!
Girl: no way!
Guy: sudo go make me a sandwich
Girl:...ok

[FuturePilot]

/dev/null is 98% full.

[jamieh]

http://support.microsoft.com/kb/247804

[smartboyathome]

In Communist Russia, sudo apt-gets you! (bad I know, but eh)

[ma_nkooo]

ubuntu is an ancient african word that means "i cant configure debian":lolflag:

[amingv]

$ whatis windows
windows: nothing appropriate.

[kool_kat_os]

http://support.microsoft.com/kb/247804

:lolflag:

[TBOL3]

User's conversation with tech support:

User: My power supply's burning.
Tech: You need a new power supply.
User: No I don't.
(They argue on a bit)
Tech: Fine, why don't you think you need a new power supply.
User: My friend told me there is a DOS command, that will stop the smoke.
Tech: One moment please.
(Silence for several minutes)
Tech: All right, we don't normally tell this to our customers, but there is a command.
User: I knew it.
Tech: All you have to do is type in nosmoke.exe (No smoke)
User: It's not working.
Tech: What version of DOS are you using?
User: DOS 5 (could be some other version, I'm not familiar with DOS versioning).
Tech: Well, there's your problem, DOS 5 isn't compatible with nosmoke.exe, contact Microsoft, and upgrade.

(The user hangs up. After a few hours, the user calls back).

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: Oh, how did you come to that conclusion?
User: Microsoft told me that my power supply isn't compatible with nosmoke.exe.

[kool_kat_os]

keep'em commin:)

[edd07]

Guy to girl: Go make me a sandwich!
Girl: no way!
Guy: sudo go make me a sandwich
Girl:...ok
Hey! That's an XKCD comic :lolflag:

http://xkcd.com/149/

Ah, I love those things

[TBOL3]

Another User/Tech support joke:

User: Do I need a computer to install your software?

[akiratheoni]

Best xkcd comic (and best computer-related joke for that manner):

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exploits_of_a_mom.png

Why? It made MySQL funny, there's nothing funny about MySQL :P

[RiceMonster]

Best xkcd comic (and best computer-related joke for that manner):

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exploits_of_a_mom.png

Why? It made MySQL funny, there's nothing funny about MySQL :P

:lolflag: I hate using SQL, and you're right, that actually made it funny.

[bsharp]

Best xkcd comic (and best computer-related joke for that manner):

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exploits_of_a_mom.png

Why? It made MySQL funny, there's nothing funny about MySQL :P

+1

That is awsome. If I had any nerd friends that would get it, I would show it to them. Unfortunately I'm the only nerd in my group :(

[akiratheoni]

+1

That is awsome. If I had any nerd friends that would get it, I would show it to them. Unfortunately I'm the only nerd in my group :(

Exactly my thought :( I wanted to show all of my friends but I can't because none of them would get it.

[jamieh]

My friend found this:


Login: yes
Password: Don't have one
Password is incorrect

Login: yes
Password: incorrect

[jamieh]

I saw this in somebody's Ubuntu Forums signature:


The box said 'You need Windows XP or better' .... so I installed linux.

[Lord Xeb]

Ubuntu is an acient African word which means "destroy Windows"

[Black Mage]

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

Windows means "Work is never done on Windows systems"

Does someone know the cheats for Windows95?

Last one

Is Windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2.) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

[Tux Aubrey]

Wot? No Dilbert yet?

http://cafelinux.org/OptickleArt/albums/userpics/dilbert_linux3.gif

http://www.cafelinux.org/OptickleArt/albums/userpics/normal_dilbert_linux1.jpg

[AndyCee]

Love the dilbert. Anyone got the OS Holy Wars? This is all I could find... Oh, and absolutely anything from xkcd.com. My current favourite is attached, and has the comment "I hear this is an option in the latest Ubuntu release".

[Bigtime_Scrub]

Here is my $0.02

[tropdoug]

very nice, talked to a few of those lol


User's conversation with tech support:

User: My power supply's burning.
Tech: You need a new power supply.
User: No I don't.
(They argue on a bit)
Tech: Fine, why don't you think you need a new power supply.
User: My friend told me there is a DOS command, that will stop the smoke.
Tech: One moment please.
(Silence for several minutes)
Tech: All right, we don't normally tell this to our customers, but there is a command.
User: I knew it.
Tech: All you have to do is type in nosmoke.exe (No smoke)
User: It's not working.
Tech: What version of DOS are you using?
User: DOS 5 (could be some other version, I'm not familiar with DOS versioning).
Tech: Well, there's your problem, DOS 5 isn't compatible with nosmoke.exe, contact Microsoft, and upgrade.

(The user hangs up. After a few hours, the user calls back).

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: Oh, how did you come to that conclusion?
User: Microsoft told me that my power supply isn't compatible with nosmoke.exe.

[Bigtime_Scrub]

This one is also cool. It is a Mac vs PC vs Linux spoof on those Mac commercials that have been on TV lately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDgEdcFTquM&feature=related

[YAOMTC]

Linux user at Best Buy (http://xkcd.com/272/)

[cpetercarter]

Guy to girl: Go make me a sandwich!
Girl: no way!
Guy: sudo go make me a sandwich
Girl:...ok

What ..... she doesn't ask for his password?

[akiratheoni]

What ..... she doesn't ask for his password?

it's like an eeepc :)

[kaboodle_fish]

The error is located between the keyboard and the chair

[lisati]

http://support.microsoft.com/kb/247804

The GRUBby little so-and-so:

The Linux boot manager (LILO) can be configured to start from:

Where I come from a Lilo is an inflatable matress-like object.

[lisati]

The error is located between the keyboard and the chair

Definition of "Cursor": The person sitting on the chair.

[Silpheed2K]

http://b.imagehost.org/0199/search_history.png

[DAC1138]

Best Linux or Computer-related Jokes/Insults?

Windows Vista

[rimshot] [http://www.instantrimshot.com/]

[Black Mage]

ClamAV VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,N]"

How do you make Windows faster? --- Throw it harder!

[alwiap]

http://b.imagehost.org/0199/search_history.png

:lolflag:

[beercz]

I saw this in somebody's Ubuntu Forums signature:
This is my sig :-)
Well it was!

My sig used to be "The box said Windows XP or better, so I installed linux"

[Delever]

An of course,

"In the world without fences or walls, who needs gates and windows?"

Comment bellow you tube video demonstrating Compiz Fusion:

"So thats what linux users are using their graphics cards for!"

[Joeb454]

What ..... she doesn't ask for his password?

He'd already done it less than 15 minutes ago ;)

[bufsabre666]

He'd already done it less than 15 minutes ago ;)

id hate to imagine what the other command was

[Joeb454]

sudo touch /var/woman ;)

[Delever]

Best DirectX disinformation ever!

http://www.gamesforwindows.com/en-US/AboutGFW/Pages/DirectX10-a.aspx


DX10 adds a new level of realism to games by making characters more life-like.

I can't help but scream: DirectX 10 DOES NOT DO THAT, it is MODELERS AND TEXTURERS, people, working for months DO THAT... Someone, please, hear me...

[DM was on fire!]

XCKD = <3

This is in the signature of an admin of one of the forums I'm on:


who | grep -i blonde | talk; cd ~; wine; talk; touch; unzip; touch; strip; gasp; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; gasp; umount; make clean; sleep

Everyone takes offense to it, but I and a few others actually *get* it. XD

[dasunst3r]

Hmm... the yes command repeatedly outputs "yes," but where's the logical complement of that command? (note: I'm looking for the command no)

[ivze]

sudo dd if=/dev/*** of=/dev/head
Happens when reading several ubuntuforums threads. :P

[DM was on fire!]

Hmm... the yes command repeatedly outputs "yes," but where's the logical complement of that command? (note: I'm looking for the command no)

Probably the same logical compliment of apt-get moo on Linspire 4.59. XD

P.S.: Yes, in a past life, I ran Linspire.
It's something I don't like to talk about. XD

[Golem XIV]

Here's a golden oldie, only for those that actually remember these OS's:

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

[billgoldberg]

This thread is golden.

I thanked the ones with the best jokes (according to me).

To add one myself:


Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun, we don`t **** on our hands.

Yes, I just copied it of a website, if you were wondering.

[billgoldberg]

The world's smartest man

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude, there's still two left. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[DM was on fire!]

LOL@your first one, Bill.

This one slightly scares me.
I decided to try the whatis command and...


ashleigh1992@ubuntu:~$ whatis ubuntu
ubuntu: nothing appropriate.

D:

[diablo75]

In computer networking, we have something called the OSI Seven Layer Reference Model. It is as follows:

7.Application (Say, Firefox)
6.Presentation (Raw data in and out of Firefox)
5.Session (Port numbers)
4.Transport (Routing protocols)
3.Network (Routed protocols, IP address)
2.Data Link (MAC Address, LLC)
1.Physical (Wires, Fiber, Radio waves, IR light, etc)

If human error is introduced, it's said to exist at Layer Zero.

[Bungo Pony]

I had a good laugh at this one:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orphaned_projects.png

[AndyCee]

The error is located between the keyboard and the chair

That's PEBCAC

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pebcac

[d.kusummmanth@gmail.com]

http://support.microsoft.com/kb/247804
the least useful post...i bet, bill gates got angry when he saw this and screamed "Who the b***** hell would be such an idiot, that they remove Linux and install Windows!!!"

[d.kusummmanth@gmail.com]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities_small.png

http://xkcd.com/256/

[AndyCee]

I'm surprised the initial enthusiasm in this thread has slowed.
One of my all-time favourite IT Crowd scenes:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Fet0SCt7uGg

[quinnten83]

I'm surprised the initial enthusiasm in this thread has slowed.
One of my all-time favourite IT Crowd scenes:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Fet0SCt7uGg

The sad thing is that usually the head of IT is someone who has no knowledge of IT whatsoever.

[szymon_g]

at home, geek-guy to (a normal) girl:
M - would you like some vodka?
F - No, thank you
M - Maybe would you like some liqueur instead?
F - No
M - Maybe would you like a wine?
F - NO!
M - Strange.... standard drivers arent working....

[OldBoy44]

Good News!

Barack Obama, Dmitry Medvedev, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind. Barack Obama went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days." Dmitry Medvedev went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days." Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 7.

:D