My Short Story (English Guru Help)

[Matthew Wiebelhaus]

Here is my short story, I am sorry for coming in here like this not participating in the forums for a long time, but I have been busy with school. But please tell me your opinions on this my short story and any GRAMMATICAL ERRORS you find as I have been tired lately and I have been up until midnight for the last couple of days.

mw

ATTACHMENT: Sorry for tar the .doc was to big to upload so I tared it with multiple formats of the report.

SHORT= 3 PAGES .5 Spacing

[Kingsley]

You would get the best assistance at http://www.englishforums.com/

[Matthew Wiebelhaus]

Thank you

[Matthew Wiebelhaus]

I thought about that and actually registered but then again I like keeping my work private and not stolen. But I began think when there is 22,000 guests how many want to steal your work. Then my teacher gets all mad thinking that its not mine because it has been published when she checks for plagiarism.

[Kingsley]

I thought about that and actually registered but then again I like keeping my work private and not stolen. But I began think when there is 22,000 guests how many want to steal your work. Then my teacher gets all mad thinking that its not mine because it has been published when she checks for plagiarism.

I think you can PM people on there so your work stays private.

[Ender Black]

First sentence: Change to "....were thought of highly...."

Second sentence would read better if you tighten it up. "They always wore expensive, high quality clothes (raiment even) from private shops and they lived in an house so enormous you felt like a king as you walked through its wide entryway." Change "feel" to "felt" to avoid a temporal argument between "lived" and "feel."

"blondish grayish" WTF?!?

You should re-write the sentence describing the narrator's great-grandfather. The "on the other hand was a totally different story" does not lend the reader the proper feel for the atmosphere you are trying to establish. Further, "a totally different story" tells me we won't be dealing with him in this story so why are you bothering me with it?

Last sentence, first paragraph... nice hook. Make it more mysterious by deleting the the last sentence and add the word "mysteriously" prior to "to the homeless shelters"

Let me know if I pissed you off with Para 1 and I will continue....good work. Just tighten it up a bit.

Don't forget that dialog is allowed its own line when writing. For example:

"Get your scurvy *** abaft the main sail!" bellowed the Master-at-Arms.

"You have to be kidding! The fire is hot enough to melt a marlinespike," cried the able seaman.

So, don't include dialog inside the paragraph unless that is some weird formula your teacher/professor has prescribed.

Cheers,
Ender

[Matthew Wiebelhaus]

Love the suggestions please continue if you have more!

Your help is greatly appreciated.

[Matthew Wiebelhaus]

And if you could show me a example of the dialog to its own line rule with my writing included in it?

[Frak]

Looks good to me. You'd be suprised how many kids can't write like that in our school, seniors no less.

Very impressive.

[Matthew Wiebelhaus]

Thanks for the help guys this rough draft should be good I made some other changes too.

[Ender Black]

“Welcome Matthew,” was the first thing I heard as I entered the house with them. “It has been a long time since we last spoke.” said my, grandfather as we took a seat on the smooth leather chairs. “We have need to talk about your cousin, Nathan.”

“Why what has happened,” I asked nervously clinging to the arm rests.

“Well he has not been doing so well at the public school. He is failing all of his classes except Physical Education,” said grandfather as if we just went to war with another country.

I told him what I thought about the subject, and he said that grandmother had arranged for me to see him and the principal at 6 o’clock. While they were getting up they told me to take a rest until it was time.

Notice how I made each person's dialog it's own paragraph. Then notice the first person narration became it's own paragraph. Quick question regarding this para, what time of day does it occur? When writing make sure you always answer who, what, when, and where. I am unsure if the meeting is at 6 o'clock in the afternoon or in the morning. The following paragraph starts with "dim light" at 5 o'clock but if it is in the autumn as you describe, then 5 o'clock could be in the afternoon or morning.

Paint the scene for your reader. Don't let them guess at the details.

[-grubby]

I think you mention "nathan" too much