Chuck Norris Facts

[guitarmaniac]

You all knew it had to happen sooner or later :p
Post your favorite Chuck Norris facts here.
I'll start.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity... TWICE!

[machoo02]

There is no theory of evolution...there is just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

[Bachstelze]

Chuck Norris once decided to sell his urine as a canned beverage, it is now known as Red Bull.

[kostkon]

As taken from the Chuck Norris Facts website (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/):


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

because he has such a thick beard!

[needtolookatascreenshot]

http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?t=519877

[happy-and-lost]

Chuck Norris can ski through a revolving door.

[fuscia]

bruce lee > chuck norris

[init1]

bruce lee > chuck norris
:^o

[M$LOL]

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris lies in front of you.

[init1]

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

[Motoxrdude]

If you read that fine print in Guinness World Records it states that all records are held by chuck norris and the poeple that are listed are the people that got closest.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

[Lord Illidan]

Chuck Norris designed the circuitry for the Nvidia 8800, with a pencil and paper.

[Onyros]

Chuck once created Norrix, only with the aid of an abacus. He later donated all the code to some Finnish student from the University of Helsinki.

[forrestcupp]

Plastic surgeons exist because of Chuck Norris.

The Rolling Stones were forced to change the lyrics to one of their songs to, "You can't always get what you want, unless you're Chuck Norris."

[ironfistchamp]

Every year on CN's birthday he picks one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

CN uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.

[forrestcupp]

Waldo is hiding because of Chuck Norris

The chicken crossed the road to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris rises and the sun gets up in the morning.

[Lord Illidan]

Chuck Norris goes to sleep, undresses, and the moon rises!

[machoo02]

Chuck Norris and Lance Armstrong once got into a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck won by 5.

[Lord Illidan]

Why did Gollum fall into Mount Doom? Chuck Norris went back in time and pushed him!

[Nekiruhs]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris once played a wall in a game of tennis, the wall lost.

According to Einsteins Theory of relativity Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you yesterday.

In war, there are only two things more dangerous than incoming enemy fire, incoming friendly fire, and incoming Chuck Norris.

[Chymera]

Chuck Norris counted infinity. Twice.
When the boogieman goes to sleep each night it checks its closet for Chuck Norris.
Chewbacca was played by Chuck Norris's d*ck
Chuck Norris got 5.1 sound to work on ALSA

[ThrobbingBrain66]

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

[Moop]

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

[machoo02]

Chuck Norris counted infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris reads the entire thread before posting ;)

[init1]

Chuck Norris reads the entire thread before posting ;)
Chuck Norris recognizes the irony that the thread was about one's favorite facts.

[era86]

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris can kick you yesterday, tomorrow.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, he pushes the world down.

[Motoxrdude]

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

[DoktorSeven]

Wow, Chuck Norris jokes, how ... topical. :)

Anyway, Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

[forrestcupp]

Chuck Norris doesn't break wind, he pulverizes it.

One look from Chuck Norris makes the Incredible Hulk turn into Dr. David Banner.

Chuck Norris is what brought the Iron Curtain down.

[popch]

Chuck Norris makes the world go 'round.

[@trophy]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried...

[dca]

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked the down syndrome out of a ten year old boy...

[@trophy]

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked the down syndrome out of a ten year old boy...

Did the boy also have AIDS? :)

[~~Tito~~]

Chuck Norris has a fist where his chin is, thats why he has a beard (has this been posted?)

[az]

Mr T had a full afro before he ran into Chuck Norris.

[pofigster]

Chuck Norris invented every color known to man. Except for pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

[QCompson]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.


And for those of you old enough to remember Oregon Trail:

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. Plus, he always makes it to Oregon before you.

[~~Tito~~]

The Oregon trail one wasn't that funny. (yes I know about it I played it in my 5th grade class because they had a old apple II.)

Chuck Norris is so tough he beats the old out of himself ;).

[forrestcupp]

The Leaning Tower of Pisa leans because Chuck Norris was in a bad mood one day.

Osama Bin Laden isn't scared of the war on terror; he's hiding because of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's mom can kick Rambo's butt.

[myballisround]

I am Chuck Norris!

[init1]

Wow, Chuck Norris jokes, how ... topical. :)

Anyway, Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
Jokes? These aren't jokes, they're facts.

[garcianc2003]

Chuck Norris can count FROM infinity backwards, starting from the highest number known as ChuckNorrisplex and which can be pronounced (properly) only by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once cried at a movie, there were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can perform a split so extreme that it bends the curvature of space/time and allows him to travel to the Chuck Norris dimension. Every time this happens, there is a dimensional leak that produces a new Steven Seagal movie.

Chuck once opened a can of whoop a$$ and it was empty. He returned it full.

[blueturtl]

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

[BOBSONATOR]

bruce lee > chuck norris


True.

Anyways,

Chuck Norris once went to a Mc donalds and they refused to serve him breakfast due to the time, so he stepped outside and roundhouse kicked it so hard that it turned into a denny's.

[Motoxrdude]

Chuck Norris once cried at a movie, there were no survivors.


That one made me "lol"
:D

[user1397]

Chuck Norris invented gravity.

[guitarmaniac]

Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into a bar.
It promptly exploded.
One building can not possibly contain that much awesome.

[Spr0k3t]

Jack Bauer once thought he was god... then Chuck Norris corrected him.

[~~Tito~~]

Chuck Norris told Arnold Schwarzenegger to go to the store he said "I'll be back", he hit Mr. T and told him to go and he said "Watch it foo!" and they came back and got him Frito's instead of BBQ chips and he lifted his beard and KO'ed both of them with his fist chin.

Chuck Norris got mad and thats how lava was made.

Chuck Norris is so tough he scared Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented people so he can beat them up. :lolflag:

[~~Tito~~]

Chuck Norris doesn't fart he Hiroshima's.

[garcianc2003]

The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris' shadow.

You look in the dictionary under "fear" and you will not see Chuck Norris. Why? They are afraid of his picture.

The word "chicken" comes from the latin "Chuck saw us".

Satan had to undergo extensive exorcism to get Chuck Norris out of him. Chuck voluntarily got out when he was "good and ready" because he couldn't stand all the wimpy crying.

For fun, Chuck Norris goes into pharmacies and asks for the price of female hygiene products. People usually stare at him, then explode.

[Motoxrdude]

Chuck Norris told Arnold Schwarzenegger to go to the store he said "I'll be back", he hit Mr. T and told him to go and he said "Watch it foo!" and they came back and got him Frito's instead of BBQ chips and he lifted his beard and KO'ed both of them with his fist chin.

Chuck Norris got mad and thats how lava was made.

Chuck Norris is so tough he scared Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented people so he can beat them up. :lolflag:

I once saw two guys kissing at the beach, i thought to myself "that was the gayest thing i have ever seen" but then i read that post.

[Malh]

chuck norris doesn't fear death, death fears chuck norris

[~~Tito~~]

I once saw two guys kissing at the beach, i thought to myself "that was the gayest thing i have ever seen" but then i read that post.

People are always critics.

Chuck Norris once saw 2 guys kissing at the beach, Pangaea happened.

[Rocket2DMn]

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

[Motoxrdude]

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

LMAO. That is halarious.

[forrestcupp]

Chuck Norris's middle name is Yeager, and he broke the sound barrier with his fist, not an airplane.

[garcianc2003]

In order to prevent other countries from accessing such an awesome weapon, the location of Chuck Norris is guarded as a national secret. **** Cheney is forced to dress like Chuck for TV commercials, etc. Chuck still takes care of a$$ kicking duties. The first time this plan was tested, Chuck mistakenly thought he had to dress like **** Cheney and promptly shot a lawyer - he got away with it, of course.

The last violent stage of the creation of a black hole is called "chuckification" in honor of what happened to Chuck Norris' high school physics teacher when he made the fatal error of calling him "Charles".

Chuck's drivers license picture is of the sole of his Walker-Texas-Ranger boots, because that's all any cop who is stupid enough to pull him over will see coming.

The original fastest unit of velocity was supposed to be from the instant Chuck Norris' image is visible to the time a roundhouse kick to the back of the head is detected. Since nothing that fast could be seen, we had to settle for the speed of light.

[Frak]

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... Chuck Norris goes killing.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

[Nekiruhs]

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

[Frak]

There are no WMD's in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives here in Oklahoma. :)

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.

# Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

[garcianc2003]

Chuck Norris was the first man on the moon. Neil Armstrong owed him money and Chuck went to wait for him. The pause on Neil's first words on the moon after "one step for man" was to edit out the whack! of Chuck's roundhouse kick which prompted the "giant leap for mankind" comment, which was followed by a bunch of expletives and more kicks.

Chuck Norris' first job was at a factory filling up cans of whoop-a$$. He was the only employee.

The world is really flat. Chuck Norris makes it round so he can run in either direction to kick somebody's a$$.

Chuck Norris once had to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Steven Seagal had the night off.

Chuck Norris did not have to wear bell-bottoms in the 80s. He was exempt.

The collapse of the universe and the sound of Chuck's roundhouse kick share the same name, "the big crunch". Coincidence? No - awesome.

An inmate at a maximum correction facility was able to escape by getting a whole-body Chuck Norris tatoo and frightening the guards. He was later found dead, killed by his own skin.

Capital punishment immediately becomes legal in any state or country where Chuck Norris happens to be, including the Vatican.

[Wiebelhaus]

The year chuck norris was born , Deaths by round house kicks sky rocketed by 345634563456353645 billionty percent.

[forrestcupp]

Chuck Norris is able to outrun a cheetah and at the same time, accurately round house kick its teeth out.

[garcianc2003]

Chuck wanted to know what it was like for a man to be pregnant. Nobody has seen Mike Tyson lately.

Chuck has his left nipple pierced and has a Dennis Rodman hanging from there.

Chuck Norris failed his first SAT when he mistook the command "you may begin" for something else and later found that there was nobody left alive to take his paper.

There will be no Chuck Norris video games until the "excruciating pain" attachment is perfected by Nintendo. It requires a jock strap.

Chuck Norris was sent to anger management school. He cured everybody, according to the coroner's report.

[Ultra Magnus]

The main source of extraterrestrial gamma ray bursts is thought to be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was on the grassy knoll. Contrary to "official" reports, JFK was killed by a "magic roundhouse kick" not a magic bullet.

The 6 extra dimensions predicted by string theory are not curled up due to the expansion of the early universe - Chuck Norris kicked someone so hard he caused 60% of the extra dimensional Universe to become uninhabitable.

[~~Tito~~]

Chuck Norris doesn't live he owns.

[forrestcupp]

The leading causes of death in the United States are 1. Heart disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris can and does have his cake and eat it too

[lisati]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Even if Chuck Norris's parents never had kids, he'd find a way

[forrestcupp]

Since it's Chuck Norris week, shouldn't we bring this thread back?


Prisons were built to keep criminals safe from Chuck Norris.

[corney91]

Chuck Norris???
It's Jack Bauer (http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty) now:p

Few of my favourites (just pretend they're Chuck Norris:)):


...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

[MetalMusicAddict]

pfftt... Jack Bauer is a punk. :D

[Bachstelze]

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a wireless phone.

[corney91]

pfftt... Jack Bauer is a punk. :D
Lol, I've also heard people use Jason Bourne as well.

Here's the ultimate -

[insert name here] can strangle you with a cordless phone

[Bachstelze]

Lol, I've also heard people use Jason Bourne as well.

Here's the ultimate -

[insert name here] can strangle you with a cordless phone

pwn3d.

God said "Let there be light !". Chuck Norris answered "You didn't say 'please' !"

[regomodo]

crap. it's been said twice already

[forrestcupp]

pfftt... Jack Bauer is a punk. :D

I have the utmost respect for Chuck Norris, but nobody better say anything bad about Jack Bauer or Jason Bourne!

[p_quarles]

Chuck Norris can keep Windows running for a week, with AOL installed.

[Zylar]

Hey, I liked the Oregon Trail one!

See sig too!

[BOBSONATOR]

i just made one myself!

Chuck Norris doesn't need to type sudo to get in root.

[p_quarles]

IBM based the design for BlueGene/L off of Chuck Norris's laptop.

[spupy]

People wear pajamas with Superman on it. Superman wears pajamas with Chuck Norris on it.

[stoodleysnow]

Chuck Norris visited Scotland. He didn't climb Ben Nevis, Ben Nevis climbed him. The Loch Ness monster hasn't been sighted for a while, because the Loch Ness monster saw Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris ate all the Haggis in Glasgow, so to avoid starving the Scots imported a hundred Curry Houses.

[maxino]

Chuck Norris runs the latest Ubuntu in his mind, with no need of hardware whatsoever. He reports about one BogoMip per neuron.

[Spike-X]

Chuck Norris is suing the publisher of 'Chuck Norris Facts'.

Chuck Norris endorses Mike Huckabee for President.

Chuck Norris is a tool.

[tsimpoyris]

Chuck Norris can restore a system from sudo rm -rf....without a keyboard

Jesus walked on water...Chuck Norris swims in the ground

If Chuck Norris didn't exist he would have to create himself

Chuck Norris can eat only MacDonalds for a month and live

Chuck Norris knows the unknown soldier

Chuck Norris knows what you did last summer

Chuck Norris was the 300 spartans and Leonidas

[hhhhhx]

Chuck Norris can microwave a burrito so hot that he himself cannot eat it, then he eats it

[tehhaxorr]

I once saw two guys kissing at the beach, i thought to myself "that was the gayest thing i have ever seen" but then i read that post.

Epic Win

[SZF2001]

Chuck Norris is so lame that Chuck Norris knows he is lame.

Can't think of anything catchy, the whole Chuck stuff was never funny anyway.

[billgoldberg]

Without going through all 9 pages, my favorites:

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2056/2084264305_82025b4dd6_o.jpg

[corney91]

Type
find Chuck Norris in to Google and click I'm feeling lucky :p

[SlickRick]

Greatest man that ever lived.

Chuck Norris can squeeze juice from a stone.

Chuck Norris Doesn't go hunting because hunting implies the possibility of failure. He just goes out killing

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris once had a paper route. No one survived.

Chuck Norris can reverse time by doing the moon-walk. <---thought of that one myself.

If Chuck Norris was shot, the bullet would start bleeding.

Post all of the 'Facts' on Chuck Norris you know like the ones above and point out the ones you made up yourself.

[jimi_hendrix]

Chuck Norris is 10 feet tall, weighs 800 pounds, and can take a shotgun blast to the chest while standing

Chuck Norris answers the phone with "Go", this isnt a cue to start talking, its a cue to start running

Chuck Norris wants this thread moved to community cafe games

[LaRoza]

Chuck Norris...couldn't stop the merge by LaRoza.

[billgoldberg]

I heard Chuck Norris got his *** kicked by the Last Emperor of Russia (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwVYtFBRtrE) last week.

[jimi_hendrix]

a kid in my class started an essay with "chuck norris has counted to infinity, twice"...

[S0VERE1GN]

every day, between the hours of 6 and 9pm, Chuck Norris looks at the sun and yawns. The sun runs in fear. We Call this night time.

[SlickRick]

Chuck Norris wants this thread moved to community cafe games

How come when i typed in Chuck Norris in search, this didn't come up?

On zero day, Chuck Norris created God.

[S0VERE1GN]

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

yaaaaaay! that's my new favorite.

[S0VERE1GN]

The Terminal is named after the hospital status of all Windows users in Chuck Norris' Vicinity: Terminal.

[linux2.6.24-19-generic]

Chuck Norris is planning to run for President in 2012. No joke

[jimi_hendrix]

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

no its


Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck made of flaming skulls

[SlickRick]

The hiss on analogue TV's is the echoes of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

[Keyper7]

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with six bullets and wins.

Chuck Norris and Superman made an arm-wrestling bet once.
The loser would have to use his underwear over his pants.

Producers replaced Chuck Norris with Jack Bauer after
realizing that a show called "24 Hours" would probably
be more popular than a show called "0.002 Seconds".

When a woman dreams of Chuck Norris, she wakes up
pregnant. Of twins. When a man dreams of Chuck
Norris, he does not awake. Ever again.

[alindgr1]

May be a bit late, but here are my Chuck Norris Facts files for fortune.

[overdrank]

Back to sleep thread. Thread closed.