Linux Jokes!

[izizzle]

Ok, lets all have a laugh! You can post Jokes, riddles, quotes, anything that is funny and realtes to linux.

Ill start: "Microsoft gives you windows, linux gives you the whole house."

[viciouslime]

I think this should probably be in the cafe :)

[izizzle]

http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?p=2825831#post2825831

Thanks.

[PTelly]

Microsoft Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.

[KIAaze]

While installing Vista:

In DRM included from /usr/include/c++/3.3/backward/Vista:31,
from Microsoft:1:
/usr/include/c++/3.3/backward/backward_warning.h:32:2: warning: #warning This OS includes at least one deprecated or antiquated header. Please consider using one of the 42 GNU/Linux distributions found in section 17.4.1.2 of http://distrowatch.com. Examples include substituting the <XP> OS for the <Gentoo> OS for advanced users, or <Ubuntu> instead of the deprecated OS <Vista>. To disable this warning use -MacOS-X.


(Why 42? Because... I could have used something else, but it would probably have been less universally geeky. ^^)

[steveneddy]

I think this should probably be in the cafe :)

I don't get it...

[Golyadkin]

Alright, I'll share one:



Bill and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night. The woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company "Micro Soft".

[Prisma]

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Microsoft support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.

[Linux Killer!]

Has anyone noticed that these supposed "Linux" jokes are actually Microsoft jokes?

[Prisma]

LOL sorry I just found that and thought it was so freaking funny :)

[Linux Killer!]

LOL sorry I just found that and thought it was so freaking funny :)
And they are. :)

Well, I could make a few Linux jokes if I wanted to, but jokes are generally at the mercy of the subject matter, so anything I say I'll get pounced on by others... hence, no actual Linux jokes.

[insane_alien]

the gentoo motto: if it moves, compile it. if it doesn't move compile it anyway.

[KIAaze]

Not jokes, but simply easter eggs:


apt-get moo
aptitude moo
aptitude -v moo
aptitude -vv moo
aptitude -vvv moo
aptitude -vvvv moo
aptitude -vvvvv moo
aptitude -vvvvvv moo


Please tell me if you know of any others. :D

And for those who don't know it yet:
http://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.html

[reacocard]

Linux and Windows were fighting a battle. Soon, Linux won. When Tux was asked how they won so readily, he said "We can customize our Colonels."

How many Linux computers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, if you can find a driver for your lightbulb.

[init1]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png

[CautionaryX]

LOL, that comic is in my supply room at work.

Q: Why is Microsoft's OS called Windows?
A: Because its too easily broken.

[FuturePilot]

Person #1: "What this Linux thing?"
Person #2: "It's a program that if you have it on your computer, you can't turn the computer off."
Person #1: "Oh."

Person 1: "So does that run as a thread under NT?"
Person 2: "No. It's an OS. It just runs by itself."
Person 1: "Oh oh, so you start up NT, then--"
Person 2: "No. UNIX. It's an operating system. It runs by itself, not under NT."

[steveneddy]

OK - here's mine (http://webaugur.com/bibliotheca/field_stock/os-airlines.html).

[perce]

http://www.sjbaker.org/tux/msad.jpg

[steveneddy]

http://www.sjbaker.org/tux/msad.jpg

O.....K

:roll:

[reacocard]

see attachment

[urukrama]

The attached Dilbert cartoon is still my favourite.

[Dragonbite]

Ok, lets all have a laugh! You can post Jokes, riddles, quotes, anything that is funny and realtes to linux.

Ill start: "Microsoft gives you windows, linux gives you the whole house."Shouldn't it be

Microsoft gives you only Windows while Linux give you your own /home?

[smoker]

The operating system for your Brain. Which One???

Windows for brains:
-------------------
You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but
only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank
as you encounter a "general protection fault" and as a last
resort you have to re-boot your brain.


DOS for brains:
---------------
You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember
anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only
in words and never any pictures.


Unix for brains:
----------------
Wow - you can think of lots of things all at once until your
brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people
who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also
never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to
think. Predominantly a random thinker.


CP/M for brains:
----------------
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember
has to be less than 3 letters long.


MVS/CICS for brains:
--------------------
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about
many things at the one time but never now what other parts of
your brain are thinking unles you have set up SNA connections
between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system
programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.


OS/2 for brains:
----------------
You can think about lots of things at once but need the
equivalent of eigteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce
any rational thought. No-one supports your way of thinking and
many laugh at you whenever you speak.


Mac for brains:
---------------
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good,
feels good but is expensive.


Pick for brains:
----------------
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.

AmigaOS for brains:

You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small
memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to
think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a
compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.


Linux for Brains:
-----------------
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs,
ears, mouth or .... thingy.... available yet so you are reluctant
to change over at this stage.

:D:D:D more here: http://www.laughs.com.au/Canonical/OperatingSystem.htm

[jgrabham]

http://a843.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/14/l_ec83b6839475dda0b604634bf953960a.jpg

[LaRoza]

Here is a good site for jokes, computer jokes:

http://www.computerjokes.net/

[dbbolton]

i read an alleged quote from Linus Torvalds that went something like this

"When you tell people that you wrote software that crashes Windows, they just stare back blankly and say: 'That comes with Windows. For free.'"

[forrestcupp]

Q. How many Linux developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, light bulbs aren't Free.

[bobbocanfly]

Not a Linux/MS but still geeky

Q. How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, thats a hardware problem

[WW]

http://xkcd.com/c178.html

(It's even an Ubuntu joke.)

[blueturtl]

I'm pretty sure these have been posted on the forums already but if you're familiar with Linux check out the inspirational Linux posters (http://www.arouse.net/despair-linux/). They cut to the core of why we have multiple distros in the first place. ;)

[lepz]

Has anyone noticed that these supposed "Linux" jokes are actually Microsoft jokes?

That was the funniest so far. :lolflag:

[dbbolton]

http://xkcd.com/c178.html

(It's even an Ubuntu joke.)

http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?t=390842



I'm pretty sure these have been posted on the forums already but if you're familiar with Linux check out the inspirational Linux posters (http://www.arouse.net/despair-linux/). They cut to the core of why we have multiple distros in the first place. ;)

http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?t=308409

[Tundro Walker]

Q: How many Linux Programmers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: N+2...where...
N = several to argue about the best way to change the light-bulb.
+1 to bypass regular light-bulbs, and invent the flourescent-bulb,
+1 more to bypass light-bulbs all-together and invent an endless light-source that never needs changing again, but requires the occasional dusting.

Q: How many Linux Users does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: 2...one to complain that the new flourescent bulb they bought doesn't work with their lamp, thus it must be the lamp's fault, while another person modifies the lamp a year later to work with new flourescent bulbs on the market.


Q: How many Windows Marketing specialists does it take to change a bulb?

A: 3...1 to start unscrewing the bulb, another to distract the audience while the first swaps out the old fixture and broken bulb with a brand new uber powerful fixture with a pre-installed bulb in it, and a third to keep the door closed so the audience won't notice the 1 Linux user outside changing the bulb in their own fixture quite easily and painlessly.


Q: How many Windows Game Developers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: All of them...because Microsoft figured folks won't complain so much about having to change their burned out light-bulbs so often it they had lots of really cool games to play when that light bulb was working.

[dbbolton]

http://www.microsoft.com/library/media/1033/windowsserver/facts/graphics/images/ncsoftbanner.jpg

[Tundro Walker]

http://www.microsoft.com/library/media/1033/windowsserver/facts/graphics/images/ncsoftbanner.jpg

You know what this reminds me of? Those annoying radio commercials where the folks are chatting like they're the actual radio personalities hosting the show....


"Ok, and we're back.. Hey, is everyone psyched about 'Must See TV' this Thursday?!"What a crock. I hate stupid stuff like this...


SIDE NOTE: Notice how the article uses "..." to clip out some of the "quote". Here's the actual quote...


We directly compared Windows Server with Linux. Windows Server 2003 provided not only reliability, but some power, too. That wasn't bad. However, it cost $10,000 per month for us to implement. Linux, on the hand was free. So, it not only provided reliability, but also development productivity in a 64-bit environment, and cost efficiency. It was an easy choice to make.

[dbbolton]

i guess microsoft found out that i remotely linked one of their images to a LINUX related forum and pulled it. i'll just be going to prison now.

[dptxp]

i guess microsoft found out that i remotely linked one of their images to a LINUX related forum and pulled it. i'll just be going to prison now.

And you will have to run Windows there.:D

[MonkeyBoy]

http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2003/20030630h.gif

[Rui Pais]

those who have the kernel sources can always take some minutes to relax,

find /usr/src/linux/ -type f -exec grep -i 'fuc'k '{}' \;
and enjoy reading the output.

[gmc]

This is an old joke, but still funny...

# unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; \
> finger ; mount ; fsck ; \
> more ; yes ; umount ; sleep


G++

[BrokeBody]

Alright, I'll share one:



Bill and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night. The woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company "Micro Soft".



"Oh Bill... You are so micro... You are so soft..." :D

[cezdeville]

couldn't resist:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2007018331803.gif

[Nunu]

You just bought Windows installed it and it Worked.

Now put it back in the box take it back to the shop where you bought it and tell them there is something wrong with it

I know its old but i love it :lolflag:

[M$LOL]

I seriously lold at some of these jokes, they're awesome.

That one about the Highly Reliable Times quote was new to me, I didn't know that they mangled the quote to suit themselves.

Here's my joke:
http://search.microsoft.com/results.aspx?mkt=en-US&form=MSHOME&setlang=en-US&q=linux&x=0&y=0

[LaRoza]

I seriously lold at some of these jokes, they're awesome.

That one about the Highly Reliable Times quote was new to me, I didn't know that they mangled the quote to suit themselves.

Here's my joke:
http://search.microsoft.com/results.aspx?mkt=en-US&form=MSHOME&setlang=en-US&q=linux&x=0&y=0

That is the funniest so far...

[phrostbyte]

http://membres.lycos.fr/aulon/fun/dilbert.linux.gif

[Warren Watts]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/open_source.png

[init1]

This is an old joke, but still funny...

# unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; \
> finger ; mount ; fsck ; \
> more ; yes ; umount ; sleep


G++
:lolflag:

[sad_iq]

This is what i like:
http://neil.franklin.ch/Jokes_and_Fun/Linux_Quotes.html

[runemaste644]

How about this one?

[koenn]

$ cat "door, paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door, paws too slippery
$ cat: "food in tin cans"
cat: cannot open food in tin cans

is not bad either.

[disturbedite]

i shamelessly ripped this one off from the word association thread...
csh
% U this
U: Cannot touch this: No write permission

[vasiliymeshko]

This one had me laughing for quite some time:

http://img111.imageshack.us/img111/8735/biggxreydey2.png

[BLTicklemonster]

How many linux users does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change it? Heck, just recompile it.


How many linux users does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Well, it's not like they'd fit anyway, but we're sure that they wouldn't have a clue how to if they got in there in the first place.

(think about it.. no girlfriends, etc, get it?)

[BLTicklemonster]

How about this one?

We ate at a restaurant a year or so ago, and the waiter walked up and said, "Hi, I'm Lennox, and I'll be your server tonight". (his name tag said Lennox, too) My wife looked at me with that, "stfu eh?" look on her face. If he'd been wearing a tuxedo, I'd have gone for it, disregarding the menacing look I was getting from the bitter half, you know.

[KIAaze]

Great one! :lolflag:
If I ever work as a "server", I would change my name tag just to make that joke!
It would be so great to do that to Bill Gates in a restaurant.:lolflag:

[sad_iq]

How about this one...not a joke...just a comment :

- "In short, at least give the penguin a fair viewing. If you still don't
like it, that's ok: that's why I'm boss. I simply know better than you
do."
(Linus "what, me arrogant?" Torvalds)

[Lucifiel]

How about this one?


Lenox and Lennox Linux Distros
Fake News written by James Baughn on November 22, 1998
from the confused-already? dept.

LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ -- Lenox, a maker of dinnerware, collectibles, and other knicknacks, is getting into the Linux distro business. Says one company representative, "For the past few months, a large part of our phone calls have been from people asking for the Linux operating system. We're really sick of telling people that Lenox makes dinnerware, not distros. No more, however. We've decided to capitalize on the Lenox vs. Linux confusion by releasing our own specialized Lenox Linux distribution.

Lenox has made a licensing deal to use Slackware as the base of its distribution. The company representative explained, "We realize Slackware isn't the most cutting edge or easy to use Linux distribution out there. However, the Red Hat and Caldera people wouldn't have anything to do with us. So, we've taken Slackware as a base, added full glibc6 support (of course), and thrown in a few value-added enhancements."

The company hasn't been forthcoming about the "enhancements" that will be present in Lenox Linux. Humorix has been told that those features will be unveiled in a couple of weeks. The distro should be available by Christmas time.

Another company, Lennox Industries (manufacturer of heating and air conditioning equipment), is interested in creating its own Linux distribution. Like Lenox, Lennox wants to capitalize on the confusion between its name and Linux. Sources tell Humorix that Lennox wants to design a scaled-down version of Linux to power the thermostats for its heaters and air conditioners. "Linux is the perfect OS to run our machines," one Lennox employee beamed. "Our competition won't stand a chance."

[drivel]

Alright, I'll share one:

hahahaha
:lolflag:
funny,Bill's is soft and micro...

[runemaste644]

i shamelessly ripped this one off from the word association thread...
csh
% U this
U: Cannot touch this: No write permission
I did that.

[Gremlinzzz]

Cant believe what happen today,a man was pumping gas at a self service station and spilled a little gas on his shirt sleeve.he started to drive down the highway and lite a cigarette and his sleeve caught fire. he pull over too the side of the highway got out the car and started waving his arm around to put the fire out. a policeman seen this and shot him. cop claimed the man was was waving a firearm .

[WakkiTabakki]

Well, on the theme of the Linux jokes being more of Windows "success stories", here's a true one told as experienced by a friend of mine. Lets call him Carl, mainly because it's his name...

Setting
Carl got this shiny new laptop with Vista preinstalled and got fed up with "it may be bad to do this, do you really want to do that" within days.
So, out with Vista back in with XP...

The story line
Boot the XP install CD. Answer a few questions... Install reports "No hard drives found".
Well, Carl, who isn't easily fooled, is quite sure there's at least one in there, if for no other reason, Vista had to go somewhere...
After a phone call realizes "Oh, serial -ATA drives, XP install needs separate drivers for those".

So, download the drivers,not really sure what to do with them he simply reboots with the install CD and hits F6.
Waiting, waiting.
- "Please insert the driver floppy in drive A: and press any key"
- Ehhh, no laptop since, what 2004, comes with a floppy drive.
Carl, being a natural born optimist, presses the any-key anyway...
- "No drive a: found"
- No sh*t, Carl promptly replies

My friend Carl, who's quite a resourceful character, thinks to himself "maybe the install proggie is smart enough to read from the CD, if I burn the driver to one and insert that one instead...".

Said and done. Unpack the drivers, burn them on a separate CD, reboot with XP install CD, hit F6. Wait, wait, wait...
- "Please insert the driver floppy in drive A: and press any key"
Carl ejects the install CD and inserts the CD with the drivers on it.
- "No drive A: found, press any key to continue"
Carl presses any key
- Install CD not found, please insert Windows XP install CD into drive A: and press any key"
Carl instinctively ejects the driver CD and reaches for the install CD on the desk, when...
- ...ehhh... hang on... Didn't we already establish there wasn't a drive a: and if there was, the install CD probably wouldn't fit, Carl mumbles to that lovely blue screen, he then inserts the Install CD into the more appropriate and clearly existing CD-drive and presses enter
- "No drive A: found, please insert the Windows XP install CD in drive A:"


Carl is now once again seriously considering giving Ubuntu a shot...

[Namtabmai]

Probably not the sort of jokes people are expecting, but I once made a very bad mistake of deleting certain bin directories and on reboot I got the error message.



The program 'apt' is currently not installed. You can install it by typing:
sudo apt-get install apt
bash: apt: command not found


I did try "apt-get install apt" but it didn't work. :(

But the error message did make me laugh even thou I'd hosed my system.

[Pancetilla]

I used to read "Everybody loves Eric Raymond" (http://geekz.co.uk/lovesraymond/archive/gmail-behind-the-scenes-deleted-scenes) strip...but it's getting slower updates nowadays.

[aktiwers]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png

I have a T-shirt with this on :D


Windows 2000 Source Code

/* Source Code Windows 2000 */

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#include "backdoor.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big(16000000);
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();

if (first_time_installation)
{
make_100_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of-OS2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
} //if
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_31();
do_nothing_loop();
} // if
} //while

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed,very_slow);
set_mouse(action,jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction,sometimes);
} //if

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:swp0001.swp",O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
} // while
create_general_protection_fault();

} // main

"Why Linux Viruses are fairly uncommon" from Charlie Harvey

evilmalware 0.6 (beta)

Copyright 2000, 2001, 2003, 2005
E\/17 |-|4><0|2z Software Foundation, Inc.

This is free software; see the source for copying conditions. There is
NO warranty; not even for MERCHANTABILITY, COMPLETE DESTRUCTION OF IMPORTANT
DATA or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE (eg. sending thousands of ******
spams to people accross the world).

Basic Installation
==================

Before attempting to compile this virus make sure you have the correct
version of glibc installed, and that your firewall rules are set to `allow
everything'.

1. Put the attachment into the appropriate directory eg. /usr/src

2. Type `tar xvzf evilmalware.tar.gz' to extract the source files for
this virus.

3. `cd' to the directory containing the virus's source code and type
`./configure' to configure the virus for your system. If you're
using `csh' on an old version of System V, you might need to type
`sh ./configure' instead to prevent `csh' from trying to execute
`configure' itself.

4. Type `make' to compile the package. You may need to be logged in as
root to do this.

5. Optionally, type `make check_payable' to run any self-tests that come
with the virus, and send a large donation to an unnumbered Swiss bank
account.

6. Type `make install' to install the virus and any spyware, trojans
pornography, ***** enlargement adverts and DDoS attacks that
come with it.

7. You may now configure your preferred malware behaviour in
/etc/evilmalware.conf .

SEE ALSO
evilmalware(1), evilmalware.conf(5), please_delete_all_my_files(1)
http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/evilmalware.html

EDIT:
Microsoft Windows: A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.
:)

[vasiliymeshko]

http://img34.picoodle.com/img/img34/5/11/22/f_cassettem_2f40167.jpg

[Flying caveman]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/black_hat_support.png

[bruce89]

Other humor in the GNU Humor Collection. (http://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.html)

Wow, I've heard of GCC but not GHC.

[KIAaze]

Microsoft invents the PC that plays it's own requiem:
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=kb;en-us;261186
It's a feature, not a bug! They say so themselves!

[stalker145]

Microsoft invents the PC that plays it's own requiem:
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=kb;en-us;261186
It's a feature, not a bug! They say so themselves!

OMG!! There have been enough incidents to warrant a page up a MS? This is great. People have thought I was crazy for years :D

I had a coworker show this to me back in 2000. That was a computer error that the entire company knew about... it was cool.

[Sporkman]

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Microsoft support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.

Not very funny, sorry. It's just like you replaced the word "computer" with "light bulb".

[steveneddy]

Not very funny, sorry. It's just like you replaced the word "computer" with "light bulb".

These are the answers we get when some members of the forum start smoking pot and logging on drunk.

[stalker145]

Not very funny, sorry. It's just like you replaced the word "computer" with "light bulb"
These are the answers we get when some members of the forum start smoking pot and logging on drunk..


Yeah, I don't get it either. Changing a computer wouldn't have made for a very funny joke ;)

[init1]

Probably not the sort of jokes people are expecting, but I once made a very bad mistake of deleting certain bin directories and on reboot I got the error message.



The program 'apt' is currently not installed. You can install it by typing:
sudo apt-get install apt
bash: apt: command not found


I did try "apt-get install apt" but it didn't work. :(

But the error message did make me laugh even thou I'd hosed my system.
Yeah, I had that too.
http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?t=510300

[WorldTripping]

Not exactly a Linux joke, but funny..

[Nunu]

how many MS users does it take to fix a Linux issue?

I will let you know as soon as I can find Event Viewer

I know its lame... but I liked it.

[argie]

There was that other hilarious one at some Microsoft conference. It's a parody of the Matrix with Ballmer instead of that whatzizname who's the protagonist. It made fun of Linux, but I found it funny.


Not very funny, sorry. It's just like you replaced the word "computer" with "light bulb".

Sir, it appears we have found your problem. Please do not use the computer as a lamp.

[Sporkman]

There was that other hilarious one at some Microsoft conference. It's a parody of the Matrix with Ballmer instead of that whatzizname who's the protagonist. It made fun of Linux, but I found it funny.



Sir, it appears we have found your problem. Please do not use the computer as a lamp.

...but sometimes it's easier to open my laptop at night & wiggle the mouse, instead of searching for the lightswitch.

[eldragon]

hmmm, ive read this somewhere and made me laugh:

UBUNTU is an african word that means "i cant configure debian"


heh

[Sporkman]

hmmm, ive read this somewhere and made me laugh:

UBUNTU is an african word that means "i cant configure debian"


:lol:

[forrestcupp]

Too many Microsoft Windows jokes in this Linux Jokes! thread.

I'd tell you a Linux joke, but you people aren't apt to get it.

[NightCrawler03X]

Let me C your bra

[Jesterday]

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

oh man, this made me laugh.

[Depressed Man]

sudo apt-get girlfriend (an old old joke)

[akiratheoni]

Still one of my favorites. I got it from a sig on here:


A fun night with Linux: unzip, strip, touch, finger, mount, fsck, more, yes, umount, sleep, exit 0

[broggyr]

Surprised this one hasn't made it on here

[Flying caveman]

...thats not funny :(

http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/ubuntu.html

[IISpII]

Here are some posters somebody made about the different Linux distros, there danm funny too



http://www.openfree.org/forums/showthread.php?t=14875

:lolflag:

[Hortinstein]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png

[KIAaze]

http://humorix.org/articles/2004/11/linuxxx/

http://distrowatch.com/dwres.php?resource=fun

From the Microsoft Linux site:
"This is horseshit. Horseshit, horseshit, horseshit. And for those of you who don't know what that means, it's the **** that comes from a horse!"
-- Greg, Columbia Internet
:lolflag:

[fineas]

http://www.linux.com/articles/114286
I was laughing for an hour the first time I read this article

[crimesaucer]

This guy is a Linux joke: http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?p=3916600#post3916600


... read all of his "Linux Sucks" opinions.

[fineas]

This guy is a Linux joke: http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?p=3916600#post3916600


... read all of his "Linux Sucks" opinions.

I used to believe that everyone is proud of his hobbies. But now, I changed my mind!

[vasiliymeshko]

Bug on Microsoft.com

Hey guys, check this out:

1. Go to http://www.microsoft.com/Rus/Licensing/Where/Sale/Default.mspx

2. In the last textbox, the one labeled "Название партнера:", type any HTML code
(for example I tried html source for this page)

3. Click the "Найти" button

4. Enjoy :lolflag:

[RafG]

Linus Torvalds, Richard Stallman and Donald Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on the computerized world was the greatest.

Torvalds: "God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Stallman: "Oh yeah? Well, God told me that I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Knuth: "Hey, wait you guys - I never said that!"

[stalker145]

This guy is a Linux joke: http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?p=3916600#post3916600


... read all of his "Linux Sucks" opinions.

Wow, that guy's special - he's 'touched'...

And that thread's going hot and heavy. Kinda funny, though, to see how ignorant some can be.

[crimesaucer]

Wow, that guy's special - he's 'touched'...

And that thread's going hot and heavy. Kinda funny, though, to see how ignorant some can be.

Yeah, all of that thread just ain't really worth being involved with. Totally non-productive if you ask me.

[stalker145]

Yeah, all of that thread just ain't really worth being involved with. Totally non-productive if you ask me.

Agreed. I mistakenly stepped in for a moment. Wow. I'm done in there.

[crimesaucer]

Agreed. I mistakenly stepped in for a moment. Wow. I'm done in there.

Yeah, maybe I'm the one with Obsessive Compulsion Disorder for making myself read all of that Windows crap.

[eilu]

There's a whole lot of theme here: http://folk.uio.no/hpv/linuxtoons/

[Fonon]

I really laughed at most of those! Thanks for the laugh.

[vasiliymeshko]

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

[sanderella]

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

I copied and pasted that to all my friends.:)

[4partee]

A boot error:

The program 'apt-get' is currently not installed. You can install it by typing:
apt-get install apt

uh-huh!

[Linuxratty]

How about this one?

That is one of my all time favorite desktop images.

[rune0077]

How many Linux-people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Exactly 831:
5 to develop seven new socket-standards.
49 to develop 56 different light bulbs according to the new standards.
98 to adjust the new sockets and light bulbs to suit their own or their customer's tastes, thus creating 146 different types of light bulbs and 175 different types of sockets.
101 to develop 615 types of adapters, for optimizing user choice.
And finally 405 to debate endlessly about how Phillips have severely misused their monopoly by forcing inferior socket- and ligthbulb standards unto an unsuspecting populace.

[Lostincyberspace]

@4partee: I got that one once.

[KIAaze]

Found on digg:
http://www.linuxhaxor.net/2008/05/04/funny-side-of-linux/

Which led to this excellent page:
http://blogs.pcworld.co.nz/pcworld/tux-love/2006/05/propeller_head_dept.html

To which I would like to add my own experience with LaTeX:

! Package pgf Error: Undefined image "bunny_pancake".

See the pgf package documentation for explanation.
Type H <return> for immediate help.
...

l.39 \end{frame}

? H
This error message was generated by an \errmessage
command, so I can't give any explicit help.
Pretend that you're Hercule Poirot: Examine all clues,
and deduce the truth by order and method.

? H
Sorry, I already gave what help I could...
Maybe you should try asking a human?
An error might have occurred before I noticed any problems.
``If all else fails, read the instructions.''

? H
Sorry, I already gave what help I could...
Maybe you should try asking a human?
An error might have occurred before I noticed any problems.
``If all else fails, read the instructions.''

Note: "bunny_pancake" is the name I gave the picture I wanted to load. The rest is really from LaTeX. ;)

And one more link:
Similar to Shelley the republican (http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/category/education/technical/linux), but a bit less funny IMO: http://www.promotinglinux.com/

[3mpy]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png

I love xkcd!!! Best comic ever!!!

[acrousey]

How does the "apt-get girlfriend" work?

[MaxIBoy]

Try "man apt-get girlfriend."

This isn't exactly a Linux joke, but I found it to be interesting and funny. Look in the second-last line of the output.


maxtothemax@maxtothemax-laptop:~$ man grep | grep "GNU"
Portability note: unlike GNU grep, 7th Edition Unix grep did not
like GNU grep’s -q option. USG-style grep also lacked -q but
its -s option behaved like GNU grep. Portable shell scripts
“basic” and “extended.” In GNU grep, there is no difference in
GNU grep -E attempts to support traditional usage by assuming that { is
behaves more like other GNU programs. POSIX.2 requires that
_N_GNU_nonoption_argv_flags_, described below.
_N_GNU_nonoption_argv_flags_
as options. This behavior is available only with the GNU C
GNU’s not Unix, but Unix is a beast; its plural form is Unixen.
GNU grep 2.5.1-cvs 2006-08-18 GREP(1)
maxtothemax@maxtothemax-laptop:~$

[danbuter]

This is the year of Linux on the desktop!

[Sporkman]

This is the year of Linux on the desktop!

Ouch.

[Chame_Wizard]

"Linux is a cancer" by Ballmer

[Spike-X]

How does the "apt-get girlfriend" work?
If I could figure that out, I wouldn't be here so much!

[RedPandaFox]

if i could figure that out, i wouldn't be here so much!

+1

[howlingmadhowie]

If I could figure that out, I wouldn't be here so much!

strangely i've found my local lug has helped me greatly with trying out the ins and outs of the apt-get boyfriend command. of course i'm probably starting a vi vs. emacs style debate here as to which is better. the users of boyfriend praise the simple key combinations and the lack of multitasking. the users of girlfriend however appreciate the simple socket type and smaller footprint...

[tuxerman]

Actually most of these slogans can be found at www.humorix.org/slogans

[KIAaze]

strangely i've found my local lug has helped me greatly with trying out the ins and outs of the apt-get boyfriend command.
Yes, but that was not the problem.
The problem was "apt-get girlfriend". It seems that it's not available in the official repositories.

But indeed, maybe some local LUG repositories have it available.

This is not really a joke, but it's a fun article:
http://reallylinux.com/docs/chickslovelinux.shtml

A nice quote from it:

“When I spend time with a guy who knows his kernel parameters, I get this strange rather exciting feeling."

Could anybody tell me where I can learn my kernel parameters?
edit: It seems the command for getting them is:

/sbin/sysctl -a
Just 807 parameters to learn!

[KIAaze]

Do you miss Windows Genuine Advantage?
It's available on GNU/Linux too!: http://www.linuxgenuineadvantage.org/

:lolflag:

[FrankVdb]

This one is very good:

http://www.promotinglinux.com/truth/

If you're American AND conservative, you may actually believe what's in there, so beware.

[Old_Grey_Wolf]

This is not really a Linux joke but it does have a penguin. I hope it doesn't offend anyone.



The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

[cardinals_fan]

Q: What's the difference between Patrick Volkerding and God?

A: God does not have commit privileges to the Slackware source tree.

[HungryMan]

I find this message in metacity slightly amusing:
"These messages lack timestamps and therefore suck."

Who knows? It might become a meme someday! :lolflag:

[lukjad]

When I greet someone who is new to Linux, I like to welcome them to the GNU day. ;)

[beattyml1]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3160/2973201896_ce803c885a.jpg?v=0

[73ckn797]

http://www.sjbaker.org/tux/msad.jpg


LOL, ROFL!!!!!

:lolflag:

[73ckn797]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png

:lolflag:

[73ckn797]

Not very funny, sorry. It's just like you replaced the word "computer" with "light bulb".


Budweiser: makes you think strange thoughts reading Linux jokes.

[doorknob60]

Bill and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night. The woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company "Micro Soft".

:lolflag: Woot something that got me to actually 'lol' :-D :-P

[dereferenced]

Alright, I'll share one:

oh my god I can't stop laughing.. lol

[Darth Arturito]

Check out this one:

http://arturito.net/2009/02/26/too-much-ubuntu/

[bobmatino17]

I seriously lold at some of these jokes, they're awesome.

That one about the Highly Reliable Times quote was new to me, I didn't know that they mangled the quote to suit themselves.

Here's my joke:
http://search.microsoft.com/results.aspx?mkt=en-US&form=MSHOME&setlang=en-US&q=linux&x=0&y=0

it took forever for the page to load i wonder why "search.microsoft.com" must be it

[<h1>Mckennie</h1>]

q: why did microsoft make windows vista?
a: because windows xp was too fast

[Kophein]

And a long one:

A programmer from Microsoft, one from Apple and one from Ubuntu meet in the men's room.

The programmer from M$ finishes, washes his hands for a few minutes, leaves the water running, uses all the paper in a roll, and wants to leave. The other two ask him why did he make such a mess? He replies: We, the programmers from M$ have learned to use all the resources in a system.

The guy from Apple finishes as well, washes his hands for a few seconds, dries his hands with a piece of paper, and wants to leave. The other two ask him what's up with him? He replies: We, the programmers from Apple have learned to use the resources of the system efficiently.

The Ubuntu programmer finishes as well, and wants to leave. Perplexed, the other two guys ask him why didn't he wash his hands? He replies: We, the programmers from Ubuntu have learned not to pee on our hands.

[Delvien]

A linux joke eh?

KDE



/duck

[Calash]

So, Ubuntu, Fedora, and Gentoo walk into a bar.

Ubuntu says "I am APT to get a drink tonight."
Fedora says "YUM YUM"
Gentoo just emerges from the closet.




That is so horrible I don't want to press the submit Reply button :(

[RaZe42]

A linux joke eh?

KDE



/duck

KDE can't be that bad, even Iron Man is using it ;)

[Delvien]

KDE can't be that bad, even Iron Man is using it ;)

I think that was a fake :)

[sudoer541]

Linux jokes???
OMG!!! I've got one!!!
ok, so here it goes...

What is the open source alternative to Nutella?

its... GNUtella


Hi everyone... I kinda missed this place... ):P

[Whistling Nixie]

Here's a dig at us Linux users on flickr (http://www.flickr.com/photos/mattgemmell/3676362168), with notes such as "Inexplicable proliferation of system monitoring utilities, themselves consuming vast resources as they update every second."

[limestone]

Ill start: "Microsoft gives you windows, linux gives you the whole house."

fail? what's so funny with house?
Microsoft gives you Windows while Linux gives you your own /home

[3rdalbum]

Here's a dig at us Linux users on flickr (http://www.flickr.com/photos/mattgemmell/3676362168), with notes such as "Inexplicable proliferation of system monitoring utilities, themselves consuming vast resources as they update every second."

Better than all those Windows users that would prefer to manually set their fan speeds (presumably turning the fan speed up by hand when the system goes under load) rather than let their BIOS do it all for them.

[jtarin]

I don't get it...
You had to have been there.