MySpace and our children..

[adam.tropics]

Ok, so MySpace is often in the news. In Australia at the moment for example, there is one very current and disturbing story in the news (http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,21326520-1702,00.html).

My daughter for example, apparently because her friends do, has her MySpace page, and I find myself increasingly uncomfortable with it. The stock advice is to make sure the kids don't post personal info, never post self portrait photos, don't give out family details, don't let kids have computers in bedrooms, and the list goes on. But I'll tell you here and now, giving that advice to a 14 year old, well they don't understand it, since if you follow all the rules, then there's little point of having the MySpace account in the first place. I have tried to point both her and her friends towards more traditional blogs, and slightly more careful online behavior, but again, as adults we're just taking the fun out of yadayadayada.... I am lucky in that she is very sensible and incredibly down to earth, but that niggling worry never quite goes does it!

So, apart from the fact that it just a lousy site (opinion) what are your thoughts? Do you allow your kids anywhere near MySpace? Are there alternatives that are safer whilst being able to keep their attention?

[mips]

There are some sickos in the world. You can only do so much in teaching and advising your kids. Locking them in the basement is not a solution either.

[nalmeth]

Do you visit her page yourself? The fact that you do may deter certain unfavorable outcomes.

This might be a different thing to try, but you should make your own MySpace page. If MySpace does friends/contacts, add your daughter to your friends, she may suddenly find it very uncool that her Dad is doing it too.

The problem with that, is that you'll have to sort of pretend you think its cool. It will be very hard to do, but I don't think there is necessarily any other site that would be "safer", and censorship is often immediately counter-productive.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I have kids :|

[adam.tropics]

Do you visit her page yourself? The fact that you do may deter certain unfavorable outcomes.

This might be a different thing to try, but you should make your own MySpace page. If MySpace does friends/contacts, add your daughter to your friends, she may suddenly find it very uncool that her Dad is doing it too....

Well actually no I don't. I nearly did, but got busted....and with the seriousness that can only be pulled off by a young teenager, I got, "Dad, like, would I read your diary?.." It was, I have to admit, one of those moments (I guess you had to be there!) where with a single response she managed a complete role reversal, giving me the distinct impression I was headed for detention!

Don't get me wrong, to a greater or lesser degree, we all have to trust our kids, and I do. But as the internet has grown, so has the associated risk. Is that any more risk than any other area of life? I don't know. Walking down the street isn't as safe as it was when I was younger, so maybe it's a sign of the times that we just have to be more 'aware' of our environment, and behave accordingly.

[nalmeth]

heh, I see you're in a bit of a hole with that possibility then.

Logic tells you that a diary and a public myspace page are two different things altogether, but I can't say I am familiar with the psychology of your situation :)

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said awareness. You seem like a very sensible parent, you are already proactive with your concerns. I think most of the more serious problems come when the parents are not productively involved in their child's life.

Best of luck adam.tropics :KS

[BWF89]

I don't have a problem with parents checking their kids MySpaces. I just don't want the government to get involved and try to pass laws that would set a minimum age of 18 for having one. I can't remember the link but I remember seeing news articles of congressmen bringing them up.

I have my full name and various self photos (see myspace.com/bwf89) on my public MySpace. But I'm not really at risk for being stalked by online predators because:
- I'm a guy
- I'm 17, not in my early teens
- Theres nobody in my friends list that I don't see or talk to on a sem-regular basis. Not because I'm afraid of being stalked. I just like to keep my friends list to a minimum so it's easier to look people up.

I make sure not to post anything on there that I wouldn't want people to know or that I could get in trouble for. I think it's incredibally stupid how so many people will post pictures of themselves chugging a beer (their under 21), their drug stashes, enganging in various illegal activities.. You can't get in trouble with the law for just having a picture of them but it could give the police (I'm sure they frequent MySpace) a probable cause to search you if they see you out somewhere and engaged in suspicious activity.

[nalmeth]

I make sure not to post anything on there that I wouldn't want people to know or that I could get in trouble for. I think it's incredibally stupid how so many people will post pictures of themselves chugging a beer (their under 21), their drug stashes, enganging in various illegal activities.. You can't get in trouble with the law for just having a picture of them but it could give the police (I'm sure they frequent MySpace) a probable cause to search you if they see you out somewhere and engaged in suspicious activity.
Sorry to deviate a bit from topic, but this just reminded me of something.
When I was on vacation in Florida I was reading a local newspaper, and I read a very weird article.
The cops had found a MySpace account where the user (based locally) was bragging about smoking pot (nothing more), so the cops contacted the kid (a teenager) attempting to buy weed from him, and when they met him they busted him for trafficking! I couldn't believe it
A 17 year old kid entrapped into a trafficking arrest when it all started from some bragging on MySpace! Sure the kid was stupid to fall for it, but man, is this the type of criminal that is worth pursuing with law enforcement? And it shows just how public your personal page is.
I don't know what happened afterwards in the case, but the mere event was unheard of at least from a Canadian perspective. What got me I guess was that it was presented as routine, daily news.

[Patrick-Ruff]

I agree with one of the posts above, just advise them and teach them the apropriet actions to take, don't control their lives or you'll find you have a scared daughter or a rebel.

[tigerpants]

Ok, so MySpace is often in the news. In Australia at the moment for example, there is one very current and disturbing story in the news (http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,21326520-1702,00.html).

My daughter for example, apparently because her friends do, has her MySpace page, and I find myself increasingly uncomfortable with it. The stock advice is to make sure the kids don't post personal info, never post self portrait photos, don't give out family details, don't let kids have computers in bedrooms, and the list goes on. But I'll tell you here and now, giving that advice to a 14 year old, well they don't understand it, since if you follow all the rules, then there's little point of having the MySpace account in the first place. I have tried to point both her and her friends towards more traditional blogs, and slightly more careful online behavior, but again, as adults we're just taking the fun out of yadayadayada.... I am lucky in that she is very sensible and incredibly down to earth, but that niggling worry never quite goes does it!

So, apart from the fact that it just a lousy site (opinion) what are your thoughts? Do you allow your kids anywhere near MySpace? Are there alternatives that are safer whilst being able to keep their attention?

Myspace is the internet equivalent of a car crash. I load it up sometimes to point and laugh. I signed up for it once in order to get in touch with an old friend. I got spammed. I keep praying that one day, its servers will catch fire.

[PriceChild]

Personally I cannot stand myspace.

Its horrible visually.
Its not exactly useful?
Its insecure:
- Remember the fiasco with the list of emails and passwords that were leaked?
- Until very recently, you could also see hidden photos despite not being "friends" with the owner.

Facebook ftw ;)

[Tipo]

Personally, I don't like MySpace at all. I don't have kids, but I ended up deleting my account a few months ago because I grew sick of the friend requests from bots that acted like scantily dressing college girls...

If you are concerned, I know that MySpace does have a feature that would make your daughter's profile only viewable to people that she adds as her friends. A little more secure IMHO.

[wersdaluv]

MySpace is not a good site. I am a teenager and it's hard for many of us to get over it but in my opinion, it is really lousy.

I know lots of people who get meet other people just because of it. When they meet in person, they act as if they know each other very well. One day, they just realize that they became intimate with a stranger. That's based on experience.

Also, it's probable you can't tell your kids to stay away from MySpace very easily. It's the trend. Many kids have a hard time with being unconventional. They are in the age of trying to fit in the society.

I guess, you have to talk to them well and inform them how fake people are in MySpace. Let them realize that the "coolness" of a person's MySpace page doesn't define the coolness of a person. Many people project different images of themselves in the internet trying to make themselves look cool. Let your kids know that many MySpace junkies are poseurs who can't make themselves be cool in real life so they choose to try to make themselves look cool online.

[rolando2424]

Sorry to deviate a bit from topic, but this just reminded me of something.
When I was on vacation in Florida I was reading a local newspaper, and I read a very weird article.
The cops had found a MySpace account where the user (based locally) was bragging about smoking pot (nothing more), so the cops contacted the kid (a teenager) attempting to buy weed from him, and when they met him they busted him for trafficking! I couldn't believe it
A 17 year old kid entrapped into a trafficking arrest when it all started from some bragging on MySpace! Sure the kid was stupid to fall for it, but man, is this the type of criminal that is worth pursuing with law enforcement? And it shows just how public your personal page is.
I don't know what happened afterwards in the case, but the mere event was unheard of at least from a Canadian perspective. What got me I guess was that it was presented as routine, daily news.

A similar thing also happened in Portugal.

Two kids destroyed (jumped on, broke the windows, remove wheels, etc.) two cars in one night while one of them was recording the whole thing (From a cellphone I think) and then posted it on the internet (I can't remember if it was on Youtube, Myspace or Hi5). End of story: The police saw the videos, found the kids (they were both minors) and is now charging both families to pay the repair for both cars (and they where in a pretty bad shape).

Just a little story...

[hanzomon4]

Others have given some good advice so I'll just add a little tidbit.

Take no action out of desperation or fear. Many parents have had their relationships with their children destroyed by fear mongers who pray upon a parent's desperation. I would suggest that you resolve your concerns through dialog, leave parental power out of the conversation only.

I say this because the goal is for them(the kiddies) to act responsibly by choice, in that way you know that the lesson has truly been learned and understood.

[Brunellus]

Ok, so MySpace is often in the news. In Australia at the moment for example, there is one very current and disturbing story in the news (http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,21326520-1702,00.html).

My daughter for example, apparently because her friends do, has her MySpace page, and I find myself increasingly uncomfortable with it. The stock advice is to make sure the kids don't post personal info, never post self portrait photos, don't give out family details, don't let kids have computers in bedrooms, and the list goes on. But I'll tell you here and now, giving that advice to a 14 year old, well they don't understand it, since if you follow all the rules, then there's little point of having the MySpace account in the first place. I have tried to point both her and her friends towards more traditional blogs, and slightly more careful online behavior, but again, as adults we're just taking the fun out of yadayadayada.... I am lucky in that she is very sensible and incredibly down to earth, but that niggling worry never quite goes does it!

So, apart from the fact that it just a lousy site (opinion) what are your thoughts? Do you allow your kids anywhere near MySpace? Are there alternatives that are safer whilst being able to keep their attention?
The Internet is no different from any metropolitan area with a population of fifteen or twenty million. If you don't want trouble, don't attract it.

Hang out where you know the people.

Don't advertise anything you're not prepared to deliver.

Don't take candy from strangers.

[picpak]

No one in our school even uses Myspace, it's all Bebo (http://www.bebo.com/).

[daynah]

I have gotten in trouble through the internet. Not through myspace but through another medium. It was when I was young, and it eventually had to be resolved in a very embarrasing way with adults confronting the perpetrator who had popped up at my school one day...

Watch your kid online. Stalk your kid online. That's not a bad thing to do because anytime your child is going to apply for a job, it's likely (probably more likely in the future) that their employer will do that. Google their name in many forms, their multiple emails, their multiple usernames. Go to their friend's pages and see what their friends are saying about them (their friends can reveal things). What is your kid saying on the fourms s/he posts on?

I have had many nanny jobs and every time I get stalked online, I have to be very careful. I want to have a government job and you can bet good money they're going to be reading this post some day. So don't feel bad about doing the same thing to your kid, okay? Lots of people, not just psychos, are going to be "internet stalking" your child in their life.

But an importing thing, in general, for stalking is that in the process of stalking, don't punish your child for putting things online that are okay. For example, if you've never raised your child that homosexuality is wrong and you come to find out your child is gay through their blog, don't yell at them for not telling. They'll just keep more things a secret from you, and change their blog. Instead, take a moment to realize that this is a sign that there are communication issues and this is an opportunity to heal those, and THEN have a conversation with your child about it.

[Dainn]

My just turned 15 daughter uses myspace. I don't like it, but at this point it's part of our lives. I have tried to get her to use other sites. but it's a no go. I do take a look at her site quite frequently. If I could get her to use something different, I would.

As far as using things on myspace to go to the police, our family has personal experience with this. myspace and IM are the new way to bully. My daughter was receiving threats from another girl at her school. The girl put everything on her site, away messages, and in IM chats. [obviously, telling our daughter not to IM with this person didn't work]. In any event, I saved and printed out everything we could as to what this other girl "said" and brought it in to the Deans office. The police were called in and the situation has [thankfully] been resolved. People are not realising that they are putting thier foul language and threats in writting, which may be used as evidence.

So, why does she still have her myspace account, because I would rather know what is going on then have her do it behind our backs. At least this way we have access. Believe me, if myspace "broke", I would not be upset.

[igknighted]

I find myspace and its typical clientele to be rather pathetic and a waste of time, but hardly dangerous. I do use the site to get info on bands, but I don't have an account at all. If you are even the smallest bit conscious of what info you put online, myspace is safe. Teach your child about what is safe to post online and what isn't and you/her will be fine

[mips]

So, why does she still have her myspace account, because I would rather know what is going on then have her do it behind our backs. At least this way we have access. Believe me, if myspace "broke", I would not be upset.

Good point.

[Rumor]

Well actually no I don't. I nearly did, but got busted....and with the seriousness that can only be pulled off by a young teenager, I got, "Dad, like, would I read your diary?.." It was, I have to admit, one of those moments (I guess you had to be there!) where with a single response she managed a complete role reversal, giving me the distinct impression I was headed for detention!

My children are still living at home and they are soon to both be in their 20's. I think my response to your daughter's response would be, "Is there something you'd be embarrassed to have me see on your page?" If she's not embarrassed to have her friends and strangers see what's there, why not her parents? The difference between your diary and her myspace page is that one is designed to be private, the other is designed to be public. It's a public forum, and she needs to consider that what she's putting out there is being seen by all manner of people she may not think of viewing that information or whatever it is she's posting. Does she really want that information being made public?



Don't get me wrong, to a greater or lesser degree, we all have to trust our kids, and I do. But as the internet has grown, so has the associated risk. Is that any more risk than any other area of life? I don't know. Walking down the street isn't as safe as it was when I was younger, so maybe it's a sign of the times that we just have to be more 'aware' of our environment, and behave accordingly.

Yes, we have to extend trust to our children, but that trust has to be earned. It's all fine and well for your children to have their privacy and for you to respect that privacy. But when her privacy is private ONLY to you and open for anyone else?

I don't know, I don't have any answers. I only know that I have posted things in public forums that I have had cause to deeply regret.

Parenting . . . it's a life-long adventure. :)

[BWF89]

Its horrible visually.
Agreed. Although that's due to most people having no idea how to setup a website. Look at mine. One backround color, one text color, one link color, 1 embedded YouTube video. I've even been consitering taking down all that and just reverting it to the default color scheme.

Its not exactly useful?
Strongly disagree. I use MySpace all the time for talking to people I know from school or reading news bullitons posted by some of the groups I've friends requested. The last few times I've sent emails with my Gmail account (could be counted on one hand) since 2007 has began have been links of things to print up for school or reminders.

[PriceChild]

Strongly disagree. I use MySpace all the time for talking to people I know from school or reading news bullitons posted by some of the groups I've friends requested. The last few times I've sent emails with my Gmail account (could be counted on one hand) since 2007 has began have been links of things to print up for school or reminders.If you think myspace is useful... you should see facebook with its event tracking, owing money to people, unlimited photo sharing, rss importability etc.

EDIT - I'm such a facebook ***** :(

[Brunellus]

If you think myspace is useful... you should see facebook with its event tracking, owing money to people, unlimited photo sharing, rss importability etc.
Not to mention sane default design.

I'm afraid that it's going to go off the rails now that the "valid academic address" restriction's been lifted, though.

[BWF89]

If you think myspace is useful... you should see facebook with its event tracking, owing money to people, unlimited photo sharing, rss importability etc.

EDIT - I'm such a facebook ***** :(
FaceBook isn't useful because nobody that I know uses it. Almost everyone I know has a MySpace and 1 has a Vampire Freaks (think MySpace but for metalheads, goths, emos, etc), if everyone all of a sudden decided to move to another social networking site like FaceBook I'd move there too because it would then become more useful.

[getaboat]

Boy this is a hard one. The easy one is that I don't like MySpace.

My three teenage children all have computers in their room (all MS, only one dual boot Beryl) and although firewalled and anti-virused up it is a continual job cleaning them up and keeping them going. They are all much slower than when I set them up for them

It is though a matter of trust and responsiblity. If they violate our trust they lose that access - and even a short time away from YouTube, LimeWire and above all MS Messenger is a BIG punishment. It would be on a par with taking away their mobile phones or not paying the bill - which is this house would be seen as approaching child cruelty.

Limewire I don't like as well. P2P makes me suspicious. I'm sure that's where a lot of the crap I mop up comes from.

[rolando2424]

Of courses, if things get out of hand, there is always iptables (or Firestarter) to block the traffic to the MySpace site (just need to found their IP :D

EDIT: For those who want it, MySpace's IP is: 216.178.38.121

[Moeru]

Of courses, if things get out of hand, there is always iptables (or Firestarter) to block the traffic to the MySpace site (just need to found their IP :D

EDIT: For those who want it, MySpace's IP is: 216.178.38.121

I don't think blocking it is the answer. I've got a MySpace with a bit of information on it. Enough so that my old High School could contact me for a reunion (that I won't be going to but that's beside the point). When I have children, I will be locking down their systems to prevent my lazy admin butt from doing cleanup and preventing them from going to sites until I feel they are ready. My parents took a very open relationship with me and I've never been in trouble with the law except for that time I got caught downloading Spiderman comics :oops:

I guess my point is, talk to your kids. Yes, go on her Myspace page once she feels comfortable with it. let her know its not to spy on her or "read her diary", just to see what she can do by herself on a PC. If my daughter codes a myspace page, either by hand or with the help of a layout page, I'll be praising her for taking the extra time to do so.

[adam.tropics]

Thank you all for your replies. I guess there's quite a lot to think about. I think in all honesty, we all grow up in a different environment to that surrounding our kids. That's true of every generation, and I think it just means our concerns, and worries change according to the changing environment . The world after all changes very quickly. The internet was not a feature of my youth! The ZX81, yes, but that's a whole other thread!!

Trust as someone pointed out, has to be earned. Yes and no. I like to think that we haven't gone past the point where we can have an assumption of trust, unless of course proved wrong. If we have, that is a sad thing, but certainly I think with family there has to be an assumption of trust.

Anyway, again, thanks all.

[hanzomon4]

I guess my point is, talk to your kids. Yes, go on her Myspace page once she feels comfortable with it. let her know its not to spy on her or "read her diary", just to see what she can do by herself on a PC. If my daughter codes a myspace page, either by hand or with the help of a layout page, I'll be praising her for taking the extra time to do so.

Amen, That's the biggest disconnect with parents and teens. Not many parents react to "teen behavior" with conversation.... In my opinion this is what leads to "normal" teen things getting out of hand. Lack of communication also leads to parents who have little choice but to snoop around on their kids to find out about their life away from home.

I was raised in an environment where dialog was key, I could talk freely without fear of reticule or punishment. I was(am) no angel but I could(can) go to my mom with anything and trust me that type of two-way conversation is the only way to truly know what it's going on with the kiddies... inside and out.

[Brunellus]

Amen, That's the biggest disconnect with parents and teens. Not many parents react to "teen behavior" with conversation.... In my opinion this is what leads to "normal" teen things getting out of hand. Lack of communication also leads to parents who have little choice but to snoop around on their kids to find out about their life away from home.

I was raised in an environment where dialog was key, I could talk freely without fear of reticule or punishment. I was(am) no angel but I could(can) go to my mom with anything and trust me that type of two-way conversation is the only way to truly know what it's going on with the kiddies... inside and out.
A lot of us climbed onto the internets in the first place because we didn't think the old folks were watching. In the words of The Fresh Prince (backed up by DJ Jazzy Jeff), "Parent's Just Don't Understand."

[Moeru]

Amen, That's the biggest disconnect with parents and teens. Not many parents react to "teen behavior" with conversation.... In my opinion this is what leads to "normal" teen things getting out of hand. Lack of communication also leads to parents who have little choice but to snoop around on their kids to find out about their life away from home.

I was raised in an environment where dialog was key, I could talk freely without fear of reticule or punishment. I was(am) no angel but I could(can) go to my mom with anything and trust me that type of two-way conversation is the only way to truly know what it's going on with the kiddies... inside and out.

I was as well. My parents had to discipline me maybe 4 times in my entire life using physical means. All 4 times I knew then and still know now I deserved it. The rest were met with discussion and honesty. I tell my mom how I feel now at 28 years old.