What's the nerdiest joke you know?

[mihalybaci]

I'm looking to expand my nerdy/science joke repertoire. If you have a good one, post it here. I'll get things started.

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

BA-DA-BOOM!

[lordyosch]

Microsoft works.

[QIII]

How do you tell who is the extrovert at an Actuary convention?

He's the one looking at the other guy's shoes.

[josephmills]

I heard this on IRC
"I here that if you play a xindows xp cd backwards you will hear devil sounds.. even worse if you play it forward you install windows."


"In a world with no limits who needs Gates and Windows"

"We are Microsoft!...You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!"

"How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
All of them!"

"How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem"

[haqking]

So a guy goes into a pet shop and buys a parrot, takes it home and the parrot starts talking.

“Pieces of 9 Pieces of 9” the parrot repeats over and over.

The guy gets annoyed with this after a while and takes it back to the store and says “ this parrot keeps saying pieces of 9 pieces of 9, I wouldn’t mind but isn’t it supposed to be pieces of 8 pieces of 8 ?”

The store owner replies, “Sorry Sir it must be a parroty error”

[Gremlinzzz]

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed...

..oh wait, he does. :popcorn:

[QIII]

There are many versions of the joke that ends with something along these lines:

Tech Support: "... and press any key."

User: "Where's the 'Any' key?"

[QIII]

sudo apt-get remove --purge Windows

[Lokireloaded]

knock knock.

Who's there?
...

...

...

Java.

[Gremlinzzz]

How many Ewoks does it take to change a lightbulb?:popcorn:

1,001 -- one to change the bulb, and a thousand to worship it as a god!

[Gremlinzzz]

:popcorn:How did Yoda like his orange juice?

From concentraaaaaaaaaaate!

[nerdopolis]

I heard this on IRC
"I here that if you play a xindows xp cd backwards you will hear devil sounds.. even worse if you play it forward you install windows."


So does anyone hear devil noises when they run

tac /path/to/windows/xp/disk.iso | aplay -?

[forrestcupp]

Q) How many Linux devs does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None. It's against their philosophy to change things that aren't free.

Q) How many roads must a man walk down?
A) 42

Q) What do you find at the base of a Box Elder tree?
A) A square root

[Copper Bezel]

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Related:

...And the bartender says, "what are you having?"

So, a tachyon walks into a bar....


Q) What do you find at the base of a Box Elder tree?
A) A square root
Good one. = )

[EchoTech]

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: They don't bother, they just change the standard to dark.

[mips]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/a4f35bdf-95cc-4b69-af3f-7b50fceb300a.jpg


Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.


http://i.imgur.com/thWUE.gif


Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


http://abstrusegoose.com/strips/SETI_gets_a_signalA.JPG


Neutrino walks into the bar and ask the barman for a glass of water.
The barman hands him the glass and say's "That will be $500"
Neutrino "Why so much?"
Barman "Well the water is free but the $500 is for the window you came trough, Oh and I think your GPS is not working properly."

[Torgas Prim]

"Why is there Whiteout all over your monitor?"

"My clear ribbon is not working...."

[tjoff]

Q) Why do (US) computer scientists always have difficulties distinguishing between Halloween and Christmas?

A) Because 31(OCT)==25(DEC).

[u-noob-tu]

Ive seen a couple t shirts on the web with funny nerd jokes. Such as:
"I void warranties"
"There's no place like 127.0.0.1"
"No, I will not fix your computer again"
"I'm here because you broke something"
"It must be user error"
"Have you tried plugging it in?"
"There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't"
"10 out 8 people have trouble with fractions" (I have this one. I can't tell you how many people don't get it)
"I refuse to enter into a battle of wits with an unarmed man" (this is actually an Einstein quote)
"FSCK the establishment" (saw this on linux.com)
and lastly, my cousin has a shirt that has a wifi symbol on the front which lights up whenever there is wifi nearby.

[tjoff]

A fortune (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortune_%28Unix%29) cookie:

There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.

[forrestcupp]

The warning on the side of a bottle of NyQuil for developers: Things not to Do-While Loopy...



Q) Why do (US) computer scientists always have difficulties distinguishing between Halloween and Christmas?

A) Because 31(OCT)==25(DEC).It really does! That's great.



"No, I will not fix your computer again"

I neeeed that shirt. :)

[Dlambert]

Not too nerdy, but


Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks



A baby seal walks into a club

[tadcan]

What's the difference between a gangster and an online gamer.
For one its about the bling bling, for the other its about the ping ping.

[u-noob-tu]

How about this one? What do nerd kids say when they fall down and hurt their knee? OWWW!! It Megahertz.

[diesch]

If there's only you and dead people how many people are there?

deae

[mihalybaci]

Related:

...And the bartender says, "what are you having?"

So, a tachyon walks into a bar....


Good one. = )

That's a good one too.

A police officer pulls over Albert Einstein and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Einstein says, "Well, everything is relative."

A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew EXACTLY where I was."

Two of my favorites (though not really nerdy) from the movie "Hot Shots":

(Baseball joke): What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[winh8r]

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it?I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

[ratcheer]

The International Mathmeticians Conference lets out for the evening and an infinite number of mathmeticians enter a nearby bar. The bartender asks, "What will you have?"

The first mathmetician asks for a beer. The next one requests a half of a beer. After the third one asks for a fourth of a beer, the bartender holds up his hand, then he draws two beers and sets them on the bar, saying, "You guys need to learn your limits."

Tim

[bedpotato]

"There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't"

That is the only nerdy joke I am ever capable of remembering.


"10 out 8 people have trouble with fractions"

:lolflag:

That's a good one...

[Copper Bezel]

The International Mathmeticians Conference lets out for the evening and an infinite number of mathmeticians enter a nearby bar. The bartender asks, "What will you have?"

The first mathmetician asks for a beer. The next one requests a half of a beer. After the third one asks for a fourth of a beer, the bartender holds up his hand, then he draws two beers and sets them on the bar, saying, "You guys need to learn your limits."

Tim

Oh my God, that's perfect. = D

[winh8r]

This is not so much a joke but it is quite amusing, it was sent to me by a colleague a few years ago:


Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

- A"Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware
probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable
traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

[TeoBigusGeekus]

Engineering joke:

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.

Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy someone else’s product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.

They solved the problem by using some high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighing less than it should was detected. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to resume the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

“That’s some money well spent!” he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report.

He requested an explanation, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO went down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before it there was a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. “Oh, that — one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”, said one of the workers.

[standingwave]

Standard version:

"There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't"

Updated version:

"There are seventeen types of people: One who understands hex and F everyone else."

[Gremlinzzz]

confession i didn't know any nerd jokes i had to look one up on the Internet.
:popcorn:

[bedpotato]

confession i didn't know any nerd jokes i had to look one up on the Internet.
:popcorn:

After all that trouble aren't you even going to tell us what it is?

[mips]

Engineering joke:


That's brilliant!

[TeoBigusGeekus]

That's brilliant!

The best engineers are the lazy...

[standingwave]

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial number in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

[TeoBigusGeekus]

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial number in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

...exactly!

[Gremlinzzz]

After all that trouble aren't you even going to tell us what it is?

first page #6:popcorn:

[GraeW]

Three guys walk into a bar after a long day in the office - a marketing rep, a helpdesk technician, and a linux programmer. It's a hot day and flies are buzzing around all over.

The marketing rep sits at the bar and orders a beer. The barkeep delivers the mug, and as the rep is about to take a sip, a fly buzzes around, landing in the drink. The marketer calls the bartender over and requests a new beer in a fresh glass, pushing the fly-contaminated pint away.

The tech orders his beer, and the barkeep puts a fresh pint in front of him. Once again, as the man is about to drink, a fly lands in the liquid. With a shrug, the helpdesk tech chugs the whole pint in one drink, then orders another, "with that crunchy bit, too."

The linux programmer orders his beer, and smiles as it's set before him. One more time, as the man lifts his frothy brew to drink, a fly lands in the brown nectar. Slamming the pint back on the bar, the programmer pulls the fly from the mug, slams it to the countertop, and begins massaging the body of the insect, screaming, "Give it back, ya bastard!! It's MINE!!"

[ratcheer]

Oh my God, that's perfect. = D

Thank you.

Tim

[Lokireloaded]

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

And those that think this is a binary joke.

[devondashla]

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender screams and tells him to leave immediately.

Argon doesn't react.

[Lokireloaded]

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender screams and tells him to leave immediately.

Argon doesn't react.

How noble!:D

[DZ*]

The International Mathmeticians Conference lets out for the evening and an infinite number of mathmeticians enter a nearby bar. The bartender asks, "What will you have?"

The first mathmetician asks for a beer. The next one requests a half of a beer. After the third one asks for a fourth of a beer, the bartender holds up his hand, then he draws two beers and sets them on the bar, saying, "You guys need to learn your limits."



Oh my God, that's perfect. = D

I have a watch, given me as a present, with two o'clock based on this joke -- http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/geek-wrist-watch :-)

[layers]

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender screams and tells him to leave immediately.

Argon doesn't react.

One hydrogen ion tells another hydrogen ion:
-"Me thinks I've lost my electron!"
-"Are you sure?"
-"Yeah, I'm positive!"

[layers]

The International Mathmeticians Conference lets out for the evening and an infinite number of mathmeticians enter a nearby bar. The bartender asks, "What will you have?"

The first mathmetician asks for a beer. The next one requests a half of a beer. After the third one asks for a fourth of a beer, the bartender holds up his hand, then he draws two beers and sets them on the bar, saying, "You guys need to learn your limits."

Timbrilliant!

An engineer and a mathematician are brought outside to sit on a bench, where across the road, there is a very pretty girl standing. A man comes to the two folks and tells them:
-"Each second, I will make a sound with my horn, and each of you will move toward her only half as much the distance you have remaining to get to her."
He makes a sound, the engineer gets up and goes halfway to the girl. The mathematician keeps sitting down. Another horn goes off, and the engineer is 3/4 on his way to the girl. The mathematician is still sitting down. After the third horn, the man couldn't resist, so he asked the sitting fellow:
-"Why aren't you getting up and moving?"
-"There is no point, I will never get to her!"
Then the man turn to the Engineer:
-"Then why are you moving?"
-"well, he's right, but just in couple of seconds, I know I will be close enough for all intenseness and purposes."

[duncan12]

http://www.gnu.org/fun/fun.html:popcorn:

Here's some Shell Error Messages (http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/unix.errors.html) jokes...:p

[mihalybaci]

I have a watch, given me as a present, with two o'clock based on this joke -- http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/geek-wrist-watch :-)

I'm not ashamed to admit it, I LOVE that watch!

[P1C0]

I picked this up some months ago from the OpenBSD mailing list:

Chuck does not su - to exec
Root does su - chuck

And for overall security improvement:

--- etc/master.passwd Sat Jul 10 02:37:16 2010
+++ etc/master.passwd.chuck Mon Jun 6 15:22:57 2011
@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
-root::0:0:daemon:0:0:Charlie &:/root:/bin/ksh
+chuck::-1:-1:daemon:-1:-1:Norris &:/root:/bin/ksh

[Old_Grey_Wolf]

Engineering joke:



The irony of how often I have seen that happen in my 4 decades as an engineer is want makes that so funny. I have seen Ph.D.'s assigned to analyze and solve a problem spend weeks doing so, just to find out a technician had already solved the problem with something that cost less than 10 minutes of the Ph.D.'s salary. :)

:lolflag:

[Old_Grey_Wolf]

I have a watch, given me as a present, with two o'clock based on this joke -- http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/geek-wrist-watch :-)

I would actually like to have the "Geek Wrist Watch", "Geek Pocket Watch", and "Geek Clock" from that link you provided. LOL

[mips]

The irony of how often I have seen that happen in my 4 decades as an engineer is want makes that so funny. I have seen Ph.D.'s assigned to analyze and solve a problem spend weeks doing so, just to find out a technician had already solved the problem with something that cost less than 10 minutes of the Ph.D.'s salary. :)

:lolflag:

I have to agree with you. As a new graduate I use to see these idiots sit in a whole day brain storming session to solve a problem with some expansive solution while some techy solved the problem before tea time in the morning (10am) while they were still measurebating. I've also seen seen a guy get issued with a disciplinary & a commendation in the same day.

There's a joke that goes around to the effect of "what do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities!" being from the same field I have to agree with the above.

Some times people try to be to clever.

Edit: This feels like a high five moment to you!

[Dlambert]

How many nuclear scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

7, 1 to change the bulb and 6 to detirmine what to do with it for the next 10,000 years.

[ohnonot]

How about this one? What do nerd kids say when they fall down and hurt their knee? OWWW!! It Megahertz.
...what do the kids of nerds say when they fall down and hurt their knee? OWWW! it Gigahertz.

[ads2996]

Computers are like Air conditioners they stop working properly if you open windows

[ratcheer]

Why did the Cyclops close his school?

He only had one pupil.

Tim

[73ckn797]

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial number in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.
The nerd couldn't find the volume control.