Moving On

[ki4jgt]

Moving On
By: Jesse Cox

Alone in the darkness once again,
Full of anger, hate and frustration,
My words,
Just a reflection of the pain within.

The moon rises to show a face,
Tears fall down,
With such steady pace,
This is the beauty of the human race.

To know that we are all in balance,
That when one steps up,
To take a challenge,
All will fall,
Who oppose his ballet.

When one falls down deciding,
To stay,
Others stand,
And lead his way.
For nothing gold ever stays.

But even as dusk brings down the day,
Day itself must reiterate.
A time of light with healing skies,
A time of hope,
Where evil dies.

No more living,
In the night,
Now's the time,
To seize the light.

If you miss out,
On the Sun,
Then your night,
Is two times one.

Copyright (C) 2008 Jesse Cox

What do you guys think?

[trollolo]

sounds like an angsty 14 year old wrote it

and why are you posting this here again?

[ki4jgt]

sounds like an angsty 14 year old wrote it

and why are you posting this here again?

Getting thoughts, ideas, input. 14 is a long way away from the age I was when I wrote that. So, what makes it sound childish may I ask?

[Thewhistlingwind]

Well, I've written much worse things and posted them to the net, lord hope nobody ever finds those.

Anyway, if I had to give input, it's not my thing, but it's certainly not "angsty 14 year old" yet. two times one line needs work though.

[ki4jgt]

Well, I've written much worse things and posted them to the net, lord hope nobody ever finds those.

Is it really that bad? LOL I kind of liked it :-) (Of course I wrote it, so that doesn't count) I've basically been going through a few old notebooks of things I've written. Found a couple in there that I really liked, this one and a quote "The irony behind the fact that everyone can think, is that only a few people know how to do it." That and a theory on gravity based on water ripples have amused me for the few hours. :-)

[ki4jgt]

Anyway, if I had to give input, it's not my thing, but it's certainly not "angsty 14 year old" yet. two times one line needs work though.

Thanks. I've been trying to figure out what to put there.

[isaacj87]

Thanks. I've been trying to figure out what to put there.

I don't think it's "angsty." However, I think the first stanza should be moved somewhere later.

Your first first line of the 2nd stanza: "The moon rises to show a face," sounds like a good start. In fact, the 2nd stanza is well done. I think starting off angry gives the reader the whole "teenage angst" vibe. Have the speaker build up to the angrier emotions.

[ki4jgt]

I don't think it's "angsty." However, I think the first stanza should be moved somewhere later.

Your first first line of the 2nd stanza: "The moon rises to show a face," sounds like a good start. In fact, the 2nd stanza is well done. I think starting off angry gives the reader the whole "teenage angst" vibe. Have the speaker build up to the angrier emotions.

Well, the first stanza isn't supposed to have an angry feel. It's just stating where I am from a third person perspective, kind of like, I'm here, doing this, again. . . This is where I am. Then it goes to the moon as a way up from that place. It's not implying anger as much as stating where I'm currently at in my life, so if that stays in, it would have to be in the start b/c it's the launching pad of the entire poem.

Edit: It's more of starting out sad kind of thing (no anger intended), b/c that's where I'm coming from, b/c I'm stuck AGAIN in this place of darkness that's created by the world around me and all I have is my anger. The moon is a light shining in on that darkness and allowing me to see that I have hope, and am able to rise above the darkness, which is where I'm rising from.

[Bandit]

Seems to poetic to me. Maybe if you can screem it in German with a heavy metal band then it may be good.

[Ctrl-Alt-F1]

b/c that's where I'm coming from, b/c I'm stuck AGAIN in this place of darkness that's created by the world around me and all I have is my anger. The moon is a light shining in on that darkness and allowing me to see that I have hope, and am able to rise above the darkness, which is where I'm rising from.

Well when you put it that way, it does sound kind of angsty.

[ninjaaron]

It sounds a little trite. Might be able to pull it off with music. Slap some nu-metal behind that stuff and try selling it to teenagers.


Nobody knows what it's like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man

[handy]

@ki4jgt: I thought by the thread title you were another Unity hater who has had enough & was heading for MintXfce. :)

I have poetry that I wrote many years ago. It means something to me, being a window into my past, but I wouldn't inflict it on anyone else.

[trollolo]

Seems to poetic to me. Maybe if you can screem it in German with a heavy metal band then it may be good.

>screaming
>metal

nope.avi

[ki4jgt]

Seems to poetic to me. Maybe if you can screem it in German with a heavy metal band then it may be good.


Well when you put it that way, it does sound kind of angsty.


It sounds a little trite. Might be able to pull it off with music. Slap some nu-metal behind that stuff and try selling it to teenagers.


Nobody knows what it's like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man


@ki4jgt: I thought by the thread title you were another Unity hater who has had enough & was heading for MintXfce. :)

I have poetry that I wrote many years ago. It means something to me, being a window into my past, but I wouldn't inflict it on anyone else.


>screaming
>metal

nope.avi

Nice guys :-P have a good day buntu users. O and about the Unity thing, I have had enough of it, I'm still using gnome. I however believe it's a great desktop environment (great intentions) it just needs a little tweaking. That's why I created this (http://brainstorm.ubuntu.com/idea/28113/) I did originally post a thread on it, and added what I didn't like about it, then decided that if I ever wanted to see it grow, I needed to start an idea.