Opinions on a cyber punk poem I wrote?

[flukeairwalker]

What does the Ubuntu community think of my work?

[Thewhistlingwind]

The air had stilled, in that silent cold room.
Cables of Fables, from a great time ago
Plugged into the thing that stood at my feet
The device with which a civilization had sowed
It's own bitter demise, a whole world summarized
Every man, of every personality, met their finality
From the concentration of souls, in this monstrosity
Their foresight it seems, wasn't to keen
As they dreamed up this Unix machine.

;)

[christoph411]

Different... but very nice! :D Also, just a friendly heads up, you will probably want to blur or edit your email address out of that picture! You never know what kind of creepy people are stalking around! 8-[

[flukeairwalker]

The air had stilled, in that silent cold room.
Cables of Fables, from a great time ago
Plugged into the thing that stood at my feet
The device with which a civilization had sowed
It's own bitter demise, a whole world summarized
Every man, of every personality, met their finality
From the concentration of souls, in this monstrosity
Their foresight it seems, wasn't to keen
As they dreamed up this Unix machine.

;)

Very nice! I publish all my work under author attribute share and share alike licenses, so feel free to riff of it.

[Thewhistlingwind]

Very nice! I publish all my work under author attribute share and share alike licenses, so feel free to riff of it.

I make a point of writing one up every time someone posts a thread about poetry on any bulletin board I frequent.

EDIT: I too am a fan of the CC licenses, I really need to get a server up so I can publish some of the stuff I've done for school. (Help make obscure knowledge less obscure.)

EDIT2: While on the first read I wasn't a fan of your poem, the second one revealed a very.......interesting story. While I'm not sure I like it, it has an almost cold feeling feeling to it, which shows good voice. (Or skillful lacktherof) My real problem was that the meter and rhyme were hard to parse in my head. In short: Keep hacking at it, it's almost there.