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View Full Version : Ah, what's with overprotective parenting these days?



kaldor
May 28th, 2010, 04:04 PM
My parents aren't overprotective and it allowed me to grow a bit better (at least in my opinion) but I am noticing some VERY stupid things people are doing more and more these days.

Some examples...

1) My 19-year-old girlfriend's mother is constantly keeping tabs on her and will not let her do even simple things like ride a bike. She doesn't want her going outside alone or being around people she doesn't know. In an extreme incident, she wanted to go out on a bike. Her mother said it's too dangerous, and said she'd be punished if she left without permission (remember, she's 19 in one of the safest places in small-town Canada) so my girlfriend simply took the bike and drove down the road. Within 5 minutes, her mother had gotten in the car in a panic and drove all around to find her, and began shouting through the window to turn around and go home. No, there are no reasons behind it; her mother is just extremely panicky and can't handle stress. Every morning when my girlfriend wakes up, her mother goes into her bedroom as soon as she leaves to "clean up", but in reality she goes through all of her books, drawers, shelves, everything. Her mother also won't let her make her own food; claiming she's too young to cook. She's already completed a year of college with high marks, and has had a summer job before. Her mother still claims she isn't ready to do much.

2) A friend of mine has a 10 year old brother who is extremely whiny, timid and cries when he doesn't get his way. I had to stop visiting or even seeing that friend because his mother would follow us everywhere with the little brother, even to movies. She'd try to tell us (we were 17 at this time) what we were allowed and not allowed to do, and that if we wanted to go to movies, she and the little child had to come too. I got into an argument with her one time because she kept saying I was a "bad influence" on her child because I said the word "crap" too much and that I'm "too out of control". She'd just show up in places like malls, restaurants "by accident" with the child and then proceed to keep tabs on everything we did. Another parent got mad at her once because of the typical "that's not good enough for MY child" comment she once made.

3) What the hell is with parents getting involved in their kids' workplace? Some people I know have had parents negotiate raises for their kids at work.

4) Somebody that I knew in my first year of highschool told me his parents had a camera set up in his bedroom so that they know he isn't having sex or doing drugs in his room, or watching porn at night. He wasn't into drugs at all as far as I knew, and people didn't want to visit him for the reason stated above.

5) Going back to example number 2; that same mother used to come into school from time to time to keep tabs on teachers. I remember when I was 14, she suddenly showed up at my classroom to speak to her son (my friend). For the rest of that day, I saw her snooping around the classrooms.

6) Somebody I know claimed that if they could they'd have a computer chip inserted into their child so they can track where he is at all times; she was dead serious and not joking at all.

7) More and more kids can't seem to be able to figure anything out/do things on their own. A guy I know who has overprotective parents is now terrified about living on his own because he doesn't know how to cook; not even make toast or coffee because it was ALWAYS done for him. When I tell him to just learn, he refuses saying "what if I get burned by the toaster?" or other stupid nonsense.

These are just a few examples. I'm just wondering, why are there so many parents going overboard in the last few years? I didn't notice it nearly as much when I was younger, but I'm noticing more and more families like this.

I really can't be the only person noticing this.

Random_Dude
May 28th, 2010, 04:17 PM
That's not overprotective, that's paranoia. :o

I've never seen or heard anything like this in my live.

Simian Man
May 28th, 2010, 04:22 PM
Yeah, I agree that society and parents are a bit more over protective than they used to be, but that is downright demented and I have never heard of such things either.

LeifAndersen
May 28th, 2010, 04:45 PM
That's not overprotective, that's paranoia. :o

I've never seen or heard anything like this in my live.

Agreed. I see one of two possible things happening (there may be more):

1. Your overreacting. (Not trying to start a flame war, I'm just saying it's not impossible).

2. You should really do something about those parents. My parents were like that, when I was 6, maybe until I was 12, but then they stopped.

(With that being said, my mother decided last night at 21:45 that my room was too 'messy', and started taking everything out, and throwing it away. Than again, I guess it's my fault for still living at home when I'm 19...)

kaldor
May 28th, 2010, 05:06 PM
Agreed. I see one of two possible things happening (there may be more):

1. Your overreacting. (Not trying to start a flame war, I'm just saying it's not impossible).

2. You should really do something about those parents. My parents were like that, when I was 6, maybe until I was 12, but then they stopped.

(With that being said, my mother decided last night at 21:45 that my room was too 'messy', and started taking everything out, and throwing it away. Than again, I guess it's my fault for still living at home when I'm 19...)

1) I'm just telling what happened :)

2) That was a while ago now, I haven't seen that person for nearly 2 years because of being followed/pissed at by his mother constantly.

The "at home at 19" thing.. costs of housing are quite a lot higher than normal lately in eastern Canada, with apartments costing an average of 1000 dollars a month and a house costing 300-600k for the most part. Now, add cost of school onto that.

DeadSuperHero
May 28th, 2010, 05:09 PM
And that is why I vow to get involved with my children in different ways. I plan on being a strict parent and forcing my kids to do chores, do their homework every day with me watching over their shoulder (my reason being that I never had that, and often got sidetracked), they will have jobs starting when they're 16, they will achieve high marks in academics, and they will have to be respectful to their elders. They will also hopefully be trained to be exceptional programmers/artists/musicians/what have you.

But, this is the exception that I find will make everything acceptable.

As long as they keep in accordance with the above.

-They will always have money if they ask for it and need it.
-They will always be able to go out on the weekend and party in their teenage years.
-They'll be able to watch R rated movies and listen to music with obscene lyrics, provided they can demonstrate the maturity to look past those elements and understand that.
-They can dye their hair, and look as ridiculous as they want.

And even if they don't do the above things:
-I will accept them for the religious or non-religious choices they make.
-I will accept them for whatever sexual orientation they choose. If my kid turns out to be gay/bi/transgendered, you bet I'll be at every pride parade he/she attends to cheer him/her on.
-I'll love my children anyways, and do everything I can to be a better father than my father was.

NCLI
May 28th, 2010, 05:09 PM
Ok, I'm all for parents caring about and protecting their kids, but what you listed above is just too much.
There was a girl whose mother was like that in my class in High School. She wasn't allowed to cook, buy food at the school, or even make her own lunch!
Her mother would follow her and her boyfriend when they went somewhere, and she would never let the girl travel alone, not even nationally.

Little Bones
May 28th, 2010, 05:26 PM
That's not overprotective, that's paranoia. :o

I've never seen or heard anything like this in my live.

Yeah, totally. I know a couple of people who are similar to that.

Little Bones
May 28th, 2010, 05:28 PM
And that is why I vow to get involved with my children in different ways. I plan on being a strict parent and forcing my kids to do chores, do their homework every day with me watching over their shoulder (my reason being that I never had that, and often got sidetracked), they will have jobs starting when they're 16, they will achieve high marks in academics, and they will have to be respectful to their elders. They will also hopefully be trained to be exceptional programmers/artists/musicians/what have you.

But, this is the exception that I find will make everything acceptable.

As long as they keep in accordance with the above.

-They will always have money if they ask for it and need it.
-They will always be able to go out on the weekend and party in their teenage years.
-They'll be able to watch R rated movies and listen to music with obscene lyrics, provided they can demonstrate the maturity to look past those elements and understand that.
-They can dye their hair, and look as ridiculous as they want.

And even if they don't do the above things:
-I will accept them for the religious or non-religious choices they make.
-I will accept them for whatever sexual orientation they choose. If my kid turns out to be gay/bi/transgendered, you bet I'll be at every pride parade he/she attends to cheer him/her on.
-I'll love my children anyways, and do everything I can to be a better father than my father was.

Win.

NCLI
May 28th, 2010, 05:34 PM
And that is why I vow to get involved with my children in different ways. I plan on being a strict parent and forcing my kids to do chores, do their homework every day with me watching over their shoulder (my reason being that I never had that, and often got sidetracked), they will have jobs starting when they're 16, they will achieve high marks in academics, and they will have to be respectful to their elders. They will also hopefully be trained to be exceptional programmers/artists/musicians/what have you.

But, this is the exception that I find will make everything acceptable.

As long as they keep in accordance with the above.

-They will always have money if they ask for it and need it.
-They will always be able to go out on the weekend and party in their teenage years.
-They'll be able to watch R rated movies and listen to music with obscene lyrics, provided they can demonstrate the maturity to look past those elements and understand that.
-They can dye their hair, and look as ridiculous as they want.

And even if they don't do the above things:
-I will accept them for the religious or non-religious choices they make.
-I will accept them for whatever sexual orientation they choose. If my kid turns out to be gay/bi/transgendered, you bet I'll be at every pride parade he/she attends to cheer him/her on.
-I'll love my children anyways, and do everything I can to be a better father than my father was.

EPIC Win.

blueturtl
May 28th, 2010, 05:43 PM
My pre-school age cousin is allowed to ride a moped but not allowed to play video games, even innocent ones like Tetris. I think it's because when my aunt was young there were no video games and so she is afraid of them (but ironically not of motor bikes).

A lot of parents seem to think that their children will be traumatized if they encounter any form of stress or anxiety in their youths. Of course it is true to a degree, but that's why we have fairy tales and things. To teach kids to deal with these things on the level they are comfortable doing.

Of course the trend in recent times has been to strip all the media children deal with of any forms of violence, death or other things deemed scary. Having a look at our local tv production for children I can see the same paranoia at work. All the shows are essentially clones of each other. All the characters do is smile and have tea parties. My daughter got a a new Disney story book about Cinderella that has the glass shoe part of the story removed. First she has the trouble with her nasty step sisters, then the fairy godmother fixes up her dress and she goes to the ball. Happy end. :D

I can only imagine how well equipped some of these stress free children will be to face the world.

johnny2m
May 28th, 2010, 05:54 PM
You have to trust your kids to do the right thing (at a reasonable age).

If you're over-protective and worrying all the time, they will just stop telling you what they've been up to, which is a lot worse in the long run, because you won't know if they're getting into a really bad situation until it's too late.

The message these parents are giving their kids is "I don't believe you are capable as a person of making sensible decisions" which is really bad for their confidence and self-esteem.

It's a parents job to build their kids up and tell them what they can achieve in life, not put them down constantly like this.

johnny2m
May 28th, 2010, 05:55 PM
And even if they don't do the above things:
-I will accept them for the religious or non-religious choices they make.
-I will accept them for whatever sexual orientation they choose. If my kid turns out to be gay/bi/transgendered, you bet I'll be at every pride parade he/she attends to cheer him/her on.
-I'll love my children anyways, and do everything I can to be a better father than my father was.

:guitar:

kaldor
May 28th, 2010, 06:00 PM
You have to trust your kids to do the right thing (at a reasonable age).

If you're over-protective and worrying all the time, they will just stop telling you what they've been up to, which is a lot worse in the long run, because you won't know if they're getting into a really bad situation until it's too late.

The message these parents are giving their kids is "I don't believe you are capable as a person of making sensible decisions" which is really bad for their confidence and self-esteem.

It's a parents job to build their kids up and tell them what they can achieve in life, not put them down constantly like this.

Exactly; my girlfriend tells her mother nothing and avoids her at all costs. If she messes up on something, her mother will comment things like "I told you you weren't capable of doing that". Not that my girlfriend does stuff she shouldn't, but she doesn't even tell her mother where she is going or what her marks are in college are anymore. She's never been complemented. If she does something good, her mother makes a simple "that's good" comment.. but if she messes up, does something wrong, her mother raises her voice and tells her how incapable she is. She even put her into special education classes when she was about 8, but the teachers eventually said she had no problems at all and wouldn't allow her to go to the "special" classes anymore.

johnny2m
May 28th, 2010, 06:01 PM
But it is true that parents generally are a lot more over-protective now than they used to be. I remember seeing a map (can't locate it now) showing the distance kids were on average allowed to play from their home and the circle got smaller and smaller between 70s and now. Back in the 60s and 70s kids were let out and as long as they were back for tea they could do what they wanted. Now most kids aren't allowed out of their own back yard, and many are driven to school, in case they get murdered on the way in.

I think it's because media coverage of these kinds of crimes has increased and so it's our perception that they're a lot more prevalent when in fact they are not.

lykwydchykyn
May 28th, 2010, 06:01 PM
Parenting is easy. Until you actually have children.

I don't know the people being talked about, so I won't condone or condemn what they do, but for all you teens with an axe to grind about your parents, let me tell you this:

This world is a sucky place, full of depraved people who treat one another like meat. When you become a parent you get this tiny, helpless little thing that can't live 2 days without you. You spend the next 18 years teaching this helpless thing everything you possibly can about how to survive in the world, while simultaneously giving up just about everything that used to mean anything to you: social life, career hopes, money, hobbies, etc.

All of the sudden they get to 16 and think they know it all and want you out of their business. But to you it seems like just yesterday you were stopping them from sticking a paperclip into an electrical socket, or fishing a rock out of their mouth, or holding them back from running into the street in front of a car. Yeah, you gotta let go, but nobody says it's easy or obvious when you do it.

Believe it or not, you actually do learn a few things between the age of 16 and 30; when you get there you might find your parents were right about some of this stuff.

I'm not saying these "overprotective parents" are totally right, but I am saying cut them some slack. They love their kids, they aren't perfect, but they aren't as stupid as you think they are. Walk a mile in their shoes before you pronounce judgment.

kaldor
May 28th, 2010, 06:03 PM
Believe it or not, you actually do learn a few things between the age of 16 and 30; when you get there you might find your parents were right about some of this stuff.

I'm not saying these "overprotective parents" are totally right, but I am saying cut them some slack. They love their kids, they aren't perfect, but they aren't as stupid as you think they are. Walk a mile in their shoes before you pronounce judgment.

That wasn't my original point; I'm not talking about diciplining or helping a child. I'm talking about parents who go overboard and won't stay out of their business AT ALL to the point it actually harms the child or the relationship they have with parents. Of course you learn things as you get older, and we (I doubt at least) are not a bunch of teens complaining about parents. I'm commenting on the effects of over-parenting. Edit: I mentioned in my original post that I wasn't overprotected. I'm not complaining about my parents at all.

Is it perfectly fine and correct for parents to tell their child they are incapable of doing things? Is it okay for other parents to get involved with other family's business because they don't trust the other parents to tend to their kids properly? Do parents have the right to walk into their child's workplace and nag the boss for a raise? Think about that, not about "no, you must do your homework". There's a huge difference between disciplining and overprotection.

When you prepare kids for life, you let them make mistakes. You can't walk your children's life and do everything for them to ensure they don't mess up. If a child messes up, they should know that and learn how to deal with it. A child won't be ready for the world if their parents do everything for them out of fear.

RiceMonster
May 28th, 2010, 06:53 PM
I've never come across over protective parenting to that level. That's a really big issue there, in my opinion. I'm not a parent myself, but these are just my thoughts:

While parents obviously have to make sure they keep there kids safe, at the same time they have to learn to teach their kids to make good judgement and give them space. I think sometimes kids are really only going to learn things by exeperiencing it themselves. Kids are going to run around, trip and fall, and cut themselves. However, by going through that, they learn to be more careful. Kids are also going to have to be able to decide from themselves whether what their friends are doing is a good idea. Teach them what they should and shouldn't do, don't hide them from it.

Not to mention that if you don't give your kids space, they are very likely to resist, and this can strain relationships between parents and kinds. Out of the kids I knew in highschool who got involved in a lot of drug use, not all of them had parents who didn't care. A number of them had overprotective or overdemanding parents, believe it or not.

lykwydchykyn
May 28th, 2010, 07:07 PM
That wasn't my original point; I'm not talking about diciplining or helping a child. I'm talking about parents who go overboard and won't stay out of their business AT ALL to the point it actually harms the child or the relationship they have with parents. Of course you learn things as you get older, and we (I doubt at least) are not a bunch of teens complaining about parents. I'm commenting on the effects of over-parenting. Edit: I mentioned in my original post that I wasn't overprotected. I'm not complaining about my parents at all.

Is it perfectly fine and correct for parents to tell their child they are incapable of doing things? Is it okay for other parents to get involved with other family's business because they don't trust the other parents to tend to their kids properly? Do parents have the right to walk into their child's workplace and nag the boss for a raise? Think about that, not about "no, you must do your homework". There's a huge difference between disciplining and overprotection.

When you prepare kids for life, you let them make mistakes. You can't walk your children's life and do everything for them to ensure they don't mess up. If a child messes up, they should know that and learn how to deal with it. A child won't be ready for the world if their parents do everything for them out of fear.

Like I said, I'm not condoning or condemning any of the situations you describe. As you describe it, it does not sound healthy, but I clearly don't know the whole story.

My point is, cut parents some slack. You have to let your kids make mistakes; but kids also have to allow their parents some mistakes. It took me almost 30 years to figure that out.

My post was not geared towards the specific situations you mention, but the more general ones and the overall criticism of parenting in this thread.

ELD
May 28th, 2010, 07:08 PM
I had a very overprotective father and as a result i lost out on a lot when i was younger for things he deemed too dangerous or that i wouldn't like or was too young for.

As a result now i am an adult i am not interested/haven't done a lot of what most people i know my age or younger have done or are interested in.

I feel it has affected me a lot.

I also have a mother who just isn't really interested in my life at all (i had an odd up-bringing) as soon as i turned 16 that was it i either had to go college or get a job to get money and had to cook for myself even though i had never been taught anything. People find it odd i can cook next to nothing myself and it is hard to explain.

Another example - swimming - i was never taken for lessons, as a result i don't know how to swim nor am i interested in it.

Think i came out from it all pretty well all things considered though!

KiwiNZ
May 28th, 2010, 07:22 PM
People have to go through a lot training and have to past several test to drive a car.
To do Scuba diving
To use a Gun
Gain many qualifications to do many occupations.

But for the most important job on the Planet NONE, there is barely even an effective manual and in a lot of locations very little support.

Is it any wonder people screw it up.

As a parent and grandparent I can tell you it is the most rewarding but hardest job I have done , but one I would repeat a thousand times.

ELD
May 28th, 2010, 07:28 PM
People have to go through a lot training and have to past several test to drive a car.
To do Scuba diving
To use a Gun
Gain many qualifications to do many occupations.

But for the most important job on the Planet NONE, there is barely even an effective manual and in a lot of locations very little support.

Is it any wonder people screw it up.

As a parent and grandparent I can tell you it is the most rewarding but hardest job I have done , but one I would repeat a thousand times.

You're a grandparent? Blimey make me feel old why don't you ;)

Me and the girlfriend have talked about children and will have them once money and time permits. Hoopefully i will be a good father eh!

kaldor
May 28th, 2010, 07:49 PM
Like I said, I'm not condoning or condemning any of the situations you describe. As you describe it, it does not sound healthy, but I clearly don't know the whole story.

My point is, cut parents some slack. You have to let your kids make mistakes; but kids also have to allow their parents some mistakes. It took me almost 30 years to figure that out.

My post was not geared towards the specific situations you mention, but the more general ones and the overall criticism of parenting in this thread.

You're right; it can't be one sided. It needs to work both ways !

KiwiNZ
May 28th, 2010, 08:04 PM
You're a grandparent? Blimey make me feel old why don't you ;)

Me and the girlfriend have talked about children and will have them once money and time permits. Hoopefully i will be a good father eh!

I am a young grand parent

insane_alien
May 28th, 2010, 08:15 PM
one of my friends has over protective parents(although seemingly only for her and not for her brother.

she lived on her own a good 60 miles away at uni for 4 years so she can obviously take care of herself, but she moved back in with them after graduating and now has a curfew (she's 22) if she isn't back by a certain time then the door gets locked and the key in from the otherside.

she also has very strict rules on what she can do. she isn't allowed to bring anyone into the house(whether its a boyfriend or otherwise) etc. etc.

her brother on the otherhand is a drug addict, barely hanging on to a job and is allowed to do pretty much whatever he wants.

it isutterly ridiculous and amazing that she has turned out so well adjusted(not perfect, but better than you'd expect).

my parents on the otherhand, well, they know i can take care of myself so unless there's an actualy danger of me dying in the next hour or so then they're not too fussed what i do.

blueturtl
May 28th, 2010, 08:24 PM
It's so hard to strike the happy middle road.

A lot of parents end up being too strict, but I see a lot more who end up being too lax.

Of course I tell myself I got it just right. :D

Shining Arcanine
May 28th, 2010, 08:37 PM
That's not overprotective, that's paranoia. :o

I've never seen or heard anything like this in my live.

I agree that is paranoia.

pricetech
May 28th, 2010, 08:38 PM
I am a young grand parent

Ain't grandkids wonderful ? Makes you wish you'd had them first don't it ?

JDShu
May 28th, 2010, 11:08 PM
OP's cases are pretty nuts. I don't think those are the norm, and it would be worrying already if its a growing trend.

I know a lot of people in my high school had really strict parents and did really well in school. When they went to college, the completely let loose and eventually dropped out with a slew of other problems to go with it. I suspect this is a very common occurrence.

schtufbox
May 28th, 2010, 11:56 PM
It's all media driven. People are afraid to let the kids out to play for fear of the little darlings being molested by the hordes of kiddie fiddlers that roam the streets...or so the media would have you believe!
Sure there are more Paedophiles and rapists and killers than ever before, but that's only because there are more people than ever before so really there is not really any more chance, proportinately, of them running into some weirdo than there was back in the 50's and 60's

That is a problem with the increased access to news and worldwide events that we have these days, that and the sheer gullibility of the human race who will believe almost anything they see as it was on TV, or they '"aw it on the 'net"

To a certain extent I am probably a little overprotective of my kids too, but not to the extent that they can't have fun or grow and learn.

By all means be protective of your children but don't stifle them.

Random_Dude
May 29th, 2010, 03:03 PM
I know a lot of people in my high school had really strict parents and did really well in school. When they went to college, the completely let loose and eventually dropped out with a slew of other problems to go with it. I suspect this is a very common occurrence.

It is quite common.
I've seen some examples but the people were younger. Some kids went to private schools that filled the parents' role in many education aspects. When these kids changed from a private school to a public school where you aren't being controlled all the time, they went completely downhill.

I think the most important aspect is to teach them how to be responsible, and not to do things just because if you don't you'll get punished.

Cheers:cool:

johnny2m
May 29th, 2010, 06:42 PM
Ain't grandkids wonderful ? Makes you wish you'd had them first don't it ?

I thought the only reason people had kids was to eventually have grandkids :P

Frogs Hair
May 29th, 2010, 08:24 PM
This is by no means a rule , but sometimes it seems the people with a wild youth become very protective parents.

Andrew_Grant
May 29th, 2010, 08:56 PM
KiwiNZ and pricetech - most certainly. :P
Overprotective parenting is a problem, but as a child you don't have to let it be so. A steady word to the parent, the usual "you don't trust me" tantrum and best of all, moving out and getting a place of your own (along with all the financial worries) are far better than the 'suffering', and you get to say "I did that" with a grin and the knowledge of even more accomplishments en route.
Depends what you want out of your life. As for parents negotiating wage increases, I had that once. The poor young chap was invited to submit his application himself or leave. He left. I was berated by the parents, but I prefer staff members who can think for themselves and who wants to live their own life, not someones else's.

bigseb
May 29th, 2010, 09:24 PM
Two sides of the coin: although the two mothers mention seem way out of line there's nothing worse than something happening to your child.

My daughter's 17 now. About 2 and 1 half years ago she went missing. Wasn't at school when I went to pick her up, wasn't with anything of her friends, didn't answer her phone, nothing. We spent the whole night searching. In the end we had the police, Neighborhood watch, ADT (a security company) and all our friends driving around looking for her. Nothing. She turned up the next morning fine (long story... basically she was up to monkey business) but the up to that point all a parent feels is absolute despair. It was the worse night EVER.

My point is that parents need to let children grow up but children need to understand why some go to such lengths.

KiwiNZ
May 29th, 2010, 09:53 PM
Being a parent is hard , dammed hard. There are some golden rules that I go by though.

1. Unconditional love
2. unconditional caring
3. Support that can be relied upon
4. Reins that are released slowly but surely ( the hard bit)
5. Mutual trust
6. Mutual respect

Don't be too hard on what you deem as over protective parents, what is happening is centuries of genetic coding to protect offspring is parents being bombarded by the mass media with danger signals that trigger the natural protection instincts. Just watch a week of news bulletins and add to that the high percentage of parents who watch a high percentage of TV and you see my point.

Windows Nerd
May 30th, 2010, 12:13 AM
And that is why I vow to get involved with my children in different ways. I plan on being a strict parent and forcing my kids to do chores, do their homework every day with me watching over their shoulder (my reason being that I never had that, and often got sidetracked), they will have jobs starting when they're 16, they will achieve high marks in academics, and they will have to be respectful to their elders. They will also hopefully be trained to be exceptional programmers/artists/musicians/what have you.

But, this is the exception that I find will make everything acceptable.

As long as they keep in accordance with the above.

-They will always have money if they ask for it and need it.
-They will always be able to go out on the weekend and party in their teenage years.
-They'll be able to watch R rated movies and listen to music with obscene lyrics, provided they can demonstrate the maturity to look past those elements and understand that.
-They can dye their hair, and look as ridiculous as they want.

And even if they don't do the above things:
-I will accept them for the religious or non-religious choices they make.
-I will accept them for whatever sexual orientation they choose. If my kid turns out to be gay/bi/transgendered, you bet I'll be at every pride parade he/she attends to cheer him/her on.
-I'll love my children anyways, and do everything I can to be a better father than my father was.
I agree, except for one thing:

Watch your kids over the shoulder doing thier homework

They will hate you for this. Teach them work ethic and that homework is something you do because doing well in school helps you achieve stuff and so on. As long as they do thier homework and get good academic marks they should be able to do thier homework however they like. Because the way you do it might not be the way you like it. Trust me, I am 16 and my parents did check to see my homework was done until about grade 5. After that they said you were capable of doing it yourself, but that they were always there if you need help. Nowadays I maintain a 90-95% average (depending on the term and what season it is) and still find time to do crazy amounts of sports and other stuff.

I am not saying I am right. I am just telling you from the view of a teen about my experience, and that it is merely advice.

Scott

Andrew_Grant
May 30th, 2010, 12:13 AM
Yes, I agree, having been through some awful experiences with my eldest over the years. The one thing I do know, there are many out there who have no one to care, love, protect, support or commiserate with/for.
So before we all go down the "I'm right/You have no idea/That's a load of twaddle", maybe we should of them first. And then bless our own lucky stars that we are able to offer our children the love, etc, that comes with being a responsible parent.
Hellfire and damnation to those who abuse (in whatever way) their own and anyone's children.

Chame_Wizard
May 30th, 2010, 01:28 AM
My parents aren't overprotective and it allowed me to grow a bit better (at least in my opinion) but I am noticing some VERY stupid things people are doing more and more these days.

Some examples...

1) My 19-year-old girlfriend's mother is constantly keeping tabs on her and will not let her do even simple things like ride a bike. She doesn't want her going outside alone or being around people she doesn't know. In an extreme incident, she wanted to go out on a bike. Her mother said it's too dangerous, and said she'd be punished if she left without permission (remember, she's 19 in one of the safest places in small-town Canada) so my girlfriend simply took the bike and drove down the road. Within 5 minutes, her mother had gotten in the car in a panic and drove all around to find her, and began shouting through the window to turn around and go home. No, there are no reasons behind it; her mother is just extremely panicky and can't handle stress. Every morning when my girlfriend wakes up, her mother goes into her bedroom as soon as she leaves to "clean up", but in reality she goes through all of her books, drawers, shelves, everything. Her mother also won't let her make her own food; claiming she's too young to cook. She's already completed a year of college with high marks, and has had a summer job before. Her mother still claims she isn't ready to do much.

2) A friend of mine has a 10 year old brother who is extremely whiny, timid and cries when he doesn't get his way. I had to stop visiting or even seeing that friend because his mother would follow us everywhere with the little brother, even to movies. She'd try to tell us (we were 17 at this time) what we were allowed and not allowed to do, and that if we wanted to go to movies, she and the little child had to come too. I got into an argument with her one time because she kept saying I was a "bad influence" on her child because I said the word "crap" too much and that I'm "too out of control". She'd just show up in places like malls, restaurants "by accident" with the child and then proceed to keep tabs on everything we did. Another parent got mad at her once because of the typical "that's not good enough for MY child" comment she once made.

3) What the hell is with parents getting involved in their kids' workplace? Some people I know have had parents negotiate raises for their kids at work.

4) Somebody that I knew in my first year of highschool told me his parents had a camera set up in his bedroom so that they know he isn't having sex or doing drugs in his room, or watching porn at night. He wasn't into drugs at all as far as I knew, and people didn't want to visit him for the reason stated above.

5) Going back to example number 2; that same mother used to come into school from time to time to keep tabs on teachers. I remember when I was 14, she suddenly showed up at my classroom to speak to her son (my friend). For the rest of that day, I saw her snooping around the classrooms.

6) Somebody I know claimed that if they could they'd have a computer chip inserted into their child so they can track where he is at all times; she was dead serious and not joking at all.

7) More and more kids can't seem to be able to figure anything out/do things on their own. A guy I know who has overprotective parents is now terrified about living on his own because he doesn't know how to cook; not even make toast or coffee because it was ALWAYS done for him. When I tell him to just learn, he refuses saying "what if I get burned by the toaster?" or other stupid nonsense.

These are just a few examples. I'm just wondering, why are there so many parents going overboard in the last few years? I didn't notice it nearly as much when I was younger, but I'm noticing more and more families like this.

I really can't be the only person noticing this.

:o Paranoia Fuel and KiwiNZ being a grandparent.:P

steveneddy
June 30th, 2010, 02:59 PM
My parents aren't overprotective and it allowed me to grow a bit better (at least in my opinion) but I am noticing some VERY stupid things people are doing more and more these days.

Some examples...

1) My 19-year-old girlfriend's mother is constantly keeping tabs on her and will not let her do even simple things like ride a bike. She doesn't want her going outside alone or being around people she doesn't know. In an extreme incident, she wanted to go out on a bike. Her mother said it's too dangerous, and said she'd be punished if she left without permission (remember, she's 19 in one of the safest places in small-town Canada) so my girlfriend simply took the bike and drove down the road. Within 5 minutes, her mother had gotten in the car in a panic and drove all around to find her, and began shouting through the window to turn around and go home. No, there are no reasons behind it; her mother is just extremely panicky and can't handle stress. Every morning when my girlfriend wakes up, her mother goes into her bedroom as soon as she leaves to "clean up", but in reality she goes through all of her books, drawers, shelves, everything. Her mother also won't let her make her own food; claiming she's too young to cook. She's already completed a year of college with high marks, and has had a summer job before. Her mother still claims she isn't ready to do much.

2) A friend of mine has a 10 year old brother who is extremely whiny, timid and cries when he doesn't get his way. I had to stop visiting or even seeing that friend because his mother would follow us everywhere with the little brother, even to movies. She'd try to tell us (we were 17 at this time) what we were allowed and not allowed to do, and that if we wanted to go to movies, she and the little child had to come too. I got into an argument with her one time because she kept saying I was a "bad influence" on her child because I said the word "crap" too much and that I'm "too out of control". She'd just show up in places like malls, restaurants "by accident" with the child and then proceed to keep tabs on everything we did. Another parent got mad at her once because of the typical "that's not good enough for MY child" comment she once made.

3) What the hell is with parents getting involved in their kids' workplace? Some people I know have had parents negotiate raises for their kids at work.

4) Somebody that I knew in my first year of highschool told me his parents had a camera set up in his bedroom so that they know he isn't having sex or doing drugs in his room, or watching porn at night. He wasn't into drugs at all as far as I knew, and people didn't want to visit him for the reason stated above.

5) Going back to example number 2; that same mother used to come into school from time to time to keep tabs on teachers. I remember when I was 14, she suddenly showed up at my classroom to speak to her son (my friend). For the rest of that day, I saw her snooping around the classrooms.

6) Somebody I know claimed that if they could they'd have a computer chip inserted into their child so they can track where he is at all times; she was dead serious and not joking at all.

7) More and more kids can't seem to be able to figure anything out/do things on their own. A guy I know who has overprotective parents is now terrified about living on his own because he doesn't know how to cook; not even make toast or coffee because it was ALWAYS done for him. When I tell him to just learn, he refuses saying "what if I get burned by the toaster?" or other stupid nonsense.

These are just a few examples. I'm just wondering, why are there so many parents going overboard in the last few years? I didn't notice it nearly as much when I was younger, but I'm noticing more and more families like this.

I really can't be the only person noticing this.

You sound like a whiny child yourself that has no respect for your elders or others in authority.

We as parents know that petulant teenagers are nothing but trouble makers that will drag otherwise good children down the tubes with them.

We as parents always want the best for our children and many of us panic when we see subversion moving into our lives.

It does not pay to be adversarial in the teenage years. An anarchist does not for a good citizen make.

How do I know this? I was there once. But I learned very quickly that being respectful pays far better benefits than the alternative.

Be respectful of the parents of the children you are torturing and try - if it is all possible with your attitude - to put yourself in those parents shoes and try and understand that your actions will affect your future - immediate and long term.

At your age, learning to be mature - or "growing up" - and showing your friends that you can and will make the right decisions, even if that means losing some precocious friends, will make you a better person and well respected among your peers.

Being a good example to others in your peer group and being a conformist - in a general manner of speaking - will help you guide yourself in the right direction in life.

You can choose to be a protagonist leader and be respected throughout your life or be an antagonist, rebellious miscreant who fights authority to the detriment of your life and lifestyle.

Think about it.

steveneddy
June 30th, 2010, 03:09 PM
I am a young grand parent

As am I.

One of my children is going to college and is very responsible for her actions, chooses the right friends (friends that stay out of trouble) and is a young pillar in the community.

My other daughter has had three children already and is a drag on the family's freedom, financial status and the community as a whole.

The child with children is miserable and thinks others should continue helping her. The other daughter works hard to keep her freedom. My miscreant daughter has no freedom anymore - the college attending daughter has almost unlimited amounts of freedom.

Wonder which path a young person should choose? antagonist or protagonist

endotherm
June 30th, 2010, 03:13 PM
it is disturbing the level of social hysteria these days, but then again, if it's parents being tyrannical regarding their own children, i support that far more than laws that restrict everyone else just so parents don't have to do their jobs.

endotherm
June 30th, 2010, 03:17 PM
You sound like a whiny child yourself that has no respect for your elders or others in authority.

We as parents know that petulant teenagers are nothing but trouble makers that will drag otherwise good children down the tubes with them.

We as parents always want the best for our children and many of us panic when we see subversion moving into our lives.

It does not pay to be adversarial in the teenage years. An anarchist does not for a good citizen make.

How do I know this? I was there once. But I learned very quickly that being respectful pays far better benefits than the alternative.

Be respectful of the parents of the children you are torturing and try - if it is all possible with your attitude - to put yourself in those parents shoes and try and understand that your actions will affect your future - immediate and long term.

At your age, learning to be mature - or "growing up" - and showing your friends that you can and will make the right decisions, even if that means losing some precocious friends, will make you a better person and well respected among your peers.

Being a good example to others in your peer group and being a conformist - in a general manner of speaking - will help you guide yourself in the right direction in life.

You can choose to be a protagonist leader and be respected throughout your life or be an antagonist, rebellious miscreant who fights authority to the detriment of your life and lifestyle.

Think about it.


I've thought about it, and i find your post very offensive. Personal attacks are not allowed on the forums, nor is age-based discrimination.

steveneddy
June 30th, 2010, 03:24 PM
I've thought about it, and i find your post very offensive. Personal attacks are not allowed on the forums, nor is age-based discrimination.

Oh look - another whiny child.

RiceMonster
June 30th, 2010, 03:28 PM
You sound like a whiny child yourself that has no respect for your elders or others in authority.

We as parents know that petulant teenagers are nothing but trouble makers that will drag otherwise good children down the tubes with them.

We as parents always want the best for our children and many of us panic when we see subversion moving into our lives.

It does not pay to be adversarial in the teenage years. An anarchist does not for a good citizen make.

How do I know this? I was there once. But I learned very quickly that being respectful pays far better benefits than the alternative.

Be respectful of the parents of the children you are torturing and try - if it is all possible with your attitude - to put yourself in those parents shoes and try and understand that your actions will affect your future - immediate and long term.

At your age, learning to be mature - or "growing up" - and showing your friends that you can and will make the right decisions, even if that means losing some precocious friends, will make you a better person and well respected among your peers.

Being a good example to others in your peer group and being a conformist - in a general manner of speaking - will help you guide yourself in the right direction in life.

You can choose to be a protagonist leader and be respected throughout your life or be an antagonist, rebellious miscreant who fights authority to the detriment of your life and lifestyle.

Think about it.

Right, but being overly paranoid, and not showing any level of trust with your kids does not help them understand this at all. I also find it interesting that you're assuming the OP is a bad apple as well.

whiskeylover
June 30th, 2010, 03:29 PM
I think the problem arises from the fact that the people who were overprotected as kids are now parents themselves. And they take the overprotecting to extremes.

As a kid, our parents didn't follow us around, or make us wear helmets while riding bikes. If we fell while riding our bikes, we came home bleeding and then got a swift slap across the face for not being too careful. And the spanking also made us realize that if we did something stupid, there would be consequences. And we grew up to be perfectly normal human beings.

steveneddy
June 30th, 2010, 03:40 PM
I also find it interesting that you're assuming the OP is a bad apple as well.

From the OP's original post:


I got into an argument with her one time because she kept saying I was a "bad influence" on her child because I said the word "crap" too much and that I'm "too out of control".

I think that another parent making those observations are adequate evidence of the "bad apple" syndrome.

The mere fact that this child posts a thread looking for support for his undermining determination is also proof that subversion is the underlying motive in this child's actions.

Mature teenagers do not have arguments with their friend's parents - or any parents for that matter - for any reason.

Mature teenagers do not curse in from of their friend's parents when they know it is not acceptable behavior in the parent's home.

If the child admits that someone else is accusing them of being "out of control", then they probably are.

ubunterooster
June 30th, 2010, 04:34 PM
One problem with Over "protection" is the recoil effect. I have only been allowed to see others of my own age 3 times in past 3 years (not because of anything that happened but just in case) Of all things I'm suprised I'm allowed online...wait, Im not I just disreagrd that.

kaldor
June 30th, 2010, 06:42 PM
I think that another parent making those observations are adequate evidence of the "bad apple" syndrome.

Does one hyperparent making complaints *really* mean the other friends' parents or other people around me believe that?


The mere fact that this child posts a thread looking for support for his undermining determination is also proof that subversion is the underlying motive in this child's actions.

I am not looking for anything. I just decided to start up a thread about "hyperparenting" being more common. I saw a documentary on CBC about it a while before I posted it, and it made me think of things I have/do experience.


Mature teenagers do not have arguments with their friend's parents - or any parents for that matter - for any reason.

This was one person, and when a parent follows around their teenager's friend and sticks their nose in someone else's business on multiple occaisions then has the nerve to tell me I'm a bad influence on her kids for saying (in this region, at least) a word that isn't even considered vulgar. I was becoming the scapegoat for just about everything that mother's young child did too.

A different incident was on a trip (may as well post one for the thread eh? :) ). My family was going with a friend's family, but that particular mother caught wind of it and we (meaning my parents, and my friend and I didn't really care) decided to let her tag along with her kids. We were in a camping ground with a large pond by our area. The younger kid decided to jump in the pond and kick around at the water like any little kid would do. He wasn't allowed in water (said the mother), so when his mother came to investigate he said "he pushed me in!". I never heard the end of how much a "disaster" I was and how I was "ruining the fun" for the others. I dealt with that event by cold shoulder; the more I ignored the more she'd complain and make herself look worse anyway.


Mature teenagers do not curse in from of their friend's parents when they know it is not acceptable behavior in the parent's home.

See above. How many people *really* care about saying "crap"? It wasn't in their home either. I very rarely ever went there.


If the child admits that someone else is accusing them of being "out of control", then they probably are.

That's a *really* big judgement right there. You don't really know who I am, so for you to say I'm "out of control" and siding with another person (that you don't even know also) doesn't give you much ground.

I've trained in a few various martial arts, one of which was strict; I know what respect is. I don't go around getting into scraps with people, but I am not going to let some people (regardless of age) say things the way some people have before. I'm not a "whiny child" as you put it. That was never the intention of this thread.

My parents are also in the older generation; my dad turned 50 when I was barely able to walk. I've had experience in dealing with people in ways that many youths haven't for that reason.

The topic was about overprotectiveness. It wasn't ever about complaining over parents; that *is* something that whiny kids would do.

Maybe this is a simple misunderstanding, or maybe you really do believe that. Whatever the case is, there's not really any need to judge like that.

Edit: I'd also like to add that nobody has ever really labled me as "out of control" or any of that type of stuff before. I was always the type who had good relationships with teachers and all that stuff; the only time I ever got "spoken to" by a teacher in a negative way was when I used to daydream in class too much when I was in elementary school.

ubunterooster
June 30th, 2010, 06:48 PM
Oh look - another whiny child.
Is it me or are Some "adults" acting "childish"?

Please stop the name calling; it is puerile.

bigseb
June 30th, 2010, 06:51 PM
I think the problem arises from the fact that the people who were overprotected as kids are now parents themselves. And they take the overprotecting to extremes.

As a kid, our parents didn't follow us around, or make us wear helmets while riding bikes. If we fell while riding our bikes, we came home bleeding and then got a swift slap across the face for not being too careful. And the spanking also made us realize that if we did something stupid, there would be consequences. And we grew up to be perfectly normal human beings. You took the words right out of my mouth.

kaldor
June 30th, 2010, 06:57 PM
You took the words right out of my mouth.

And about that too; does anyone worry that there are going to be fewer and fewer interesting "when I was a child, I used to..." moments in the coming years? :)

My grandfather has terminal bone cancer, and one of the things he does is talk to us about what he used to do back when he was a teenager in the dirty 30's. Won't get into it now, but I doubt many people would be the same way these days ;)

Warpnow
June 30th, 2010, 06:57 PM
Mature teenagers do not have arguments with their friend's parents - or any parents for that matter - for any reason.

A mature teenager would behave as an adult would, or he is not mature. Adults need to know when to open their mouth, and when to keep it closed, and what circumstances are important enough for each.

Blanket statements like yours are false by construction. There a million and one reasons a child should be commended for standing up for himself. I had a friend whose mother did drugs and shared them with her son's friends. So, I guess the friends should just take the drugs and not argue with her, huh?

Moozillaaa
June 30th, 2010, 07:02 PM
Over-protective parenting? I didn't know that ANY parents were raising their kids anymore.

Poor or rich, I think they're nowadays raised by the school, or by daycare, or by video devices, or some combination thereof ...

ubunterooster
June 30th, 2010, 07:04 PM
a mature teenager would behave as an adult would, or he is not mature. Adults need to know when to open their mouth, and when to keep it closed, and what circumstances are important enough for each.

Blanket statements like yours are false by construction. There a million and one reasons a child should be commended for standing up for himself. I had a friend whose mother did drugs and shared them with her son's friends. So, i guess the friends should just take the drugs and not argue with her, huh?
+1

kaldor
June 30th, 2010, 07:06 PM
Over-protective parenting? I didn't know that ANY parents were raising their kids anymore.

Poor or rich, I think they're nowadays raised by the school, or by daycare, or by video devices, or some combination thereof ...

Very true also. But at the same time you can't blame the parents for being too busy thanks to the economical status these days :(

overdrank
June 30th, 2010, 09:07 PM
This thread was brought back by spam so Back to sleep. Thread closed. :)