Dr. E
March 21st, 2006, 11:50 PM
12 Steps to Recovering from MS Windows Addiction*
Step 1: Honesty. Before any healing will occur you must honestly and openly admit that Microsoft controls your computer, its
peripherals, and your pocketbook. You must recognize that your hard disk is fragmented and your registry corrupt. This despicable state may seem normal to you since it has probably been going on for many years, perhaps even dating back to the MSDOS era.
Step 2: Faith. You must believe that a higher operating system exists beyond Windows, and that that OS, with the aid of its earthly users, has the power to rid you of your humiliating addiction and bring computational bliss and unity back into your machine.
Step 3: Surrender. You must be willing to surrender your hard drive (or at least a partition thereof), your prioritary applications, yes, even your very CPU to this greater computational power, only then can you begin your long journey from the darkness of bogged down bloatware to the light of lightning-fast processing.
Step 4: Soul-searching. Take an honest inventory of your machine. Make a truthful count of all the spyware and viruses it contains, the hours you have spent scanning and deleting them, the numerous and time-consuming Windows reinstallations, attempted system restorations, blue screens of death, incessant rebooting, and CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, ad nauseam.
Step 5: Integrity. Seek out a trusted friend who is a Linux aficionado, a Unix guru, hell even a Mac head will do in a pinch, and openly confess your illusions about the world s largest software company not possibly producing faulty products, or about 90% of computer users not being wrong.
Step 6: Acceptance. If you have come this far you are now ready to accept, with a thankful heart, a new OS into your machine, one that can remove the defects of of your previous one and let you begin your new life in computational nirvana.
Step 7: Humility. Recognize with a humble and grateful heart that thousands of computer geeks the world over have selflessly given of their time and talents in producing an incredibly stable OS, and with love in their hearts for you, someone they will probably never meet in person, have graciously provided it without cost, unlike Microsoft who repackages the same old error-ridden code with a new GUI and touts it as an improved version, then charges you up the wahoozie for it.
Steps 8 and 9: Willingness and Forgiveness. Be willing to make amends to those you have injured through your Windows addiction and ask their forgiveness. How many of your friends have been e-mailed viruses and spyware from your Windows machine? How much have you spent on different versions of Windows and its compatible programs over the years? Couldn t you have better spent that time and money on wholesome activities with your loved ones? Or at least on a new fishing pole, big screen TV, and a fridge full of cold ones?
Step 10: Maintenance. Realize that you have become accustomed error messages, screen freezes, and reboots. No matter how pernicious they are you may long for them and crave their company from time to time. You have been programmed to expect certain things from an OS; resist the desire to defragment your drives or scan for viruses. Those are habits belonging to your former life.
Step 11: Making Contact. Seek out the companionship of other Linux users in whose footsteps you have followed. Join an internet forum or local LUG for support. Any small and insignificant difference between Linux and Windows may result in the temptation to return to your former habits. Fellow users
will aid you in these times of trial.
Step 12: Service. Once you have been cured you will feel a desire to help others. Render service by passing out live Linux disks to friends, family, and coworkers. Help newbies on forums make the transition by answering questions. Participate freely in public demonstrations involving defilement of Windows CDs. A new life awaits you!
(*I do not intend any offense toward AAA, its principles, or adherents with this spoof.)
Step 1: Honesty. Before any healing will occur you must honestly and openly admit that Microsoft controls your computer, its
peripherals, and your pocketbook. You must recognize that your hard disk is fragmented and your registry corrupt. This despicable state may seem normal to you since it has probably been going on for many years, perhaps even dating back to the MSDOS era.
Step 2: Faith. You must believe that a higher operating system exists beyond Windows, and that that OS, with the aid of its earthly users, has the power to rid you of your humiliating addiction and bring computational bliss and unity back into your machine.
Step 3: Surrender. You must be willing to surrender your hard drive (or at least a partition thereof), your prioritary applications, yes, even your very CPU to this greater computational power, only then can you begin your long journey from the darkness of bogged down bloatware to the light of lightning-fast processing.
Step 4: Soul-searching. Take an honest inventory of your machine. Make a truthful count of all the spyware and viruses it contains, the hours you have spent scanning and deleting them, the numerous and time-consuming Windows reinstallations, attempted system restorations, blue screens of death, incessant rebooting, and CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, CTRL+ALT+DEL, ad nauseam.
Step 5: Integrity. Seek out a trusted friend who is a Linux aficionado, a Unix guru, hell even a Mac head will do in a pinch, and openly confess your illusions about the world s largest software company not possibly producing faulty products, or about 90% of computer users not being wrong.
Step 6: Acceptance. If you have come this far you are now ready to accept, with a thankful heart, a new OS into your machine, one that can remove the defects of of your previous one and let you begin your new life in computational nirvana.
Step 7: Humility. Recognize with a humble and grateful heart that thousands of computer geeks the world over have selflessly given of their time and talents in producing an incredibly stable OS, and with love in their hearts for you, someone they will probably never meet in person, have graciously provided it without cost, unlike Microsoft who repackages the same old error-ridden code with a new GUI and touts it as an improved version, then charges you up the wahoozie for it.
Steps 8 and 9: Willingness and Forgiveness. Be willing to make amends to those you have injured through your Windows addiction and ask their forgiveness. How many of your friends have been e-mailed viruses and spyware from your Windows machine? How much have you spent on different versions of Windows and its compatible programs over the years? Couldn t you have better spent that time and money on wholesome activities with your loved ones? Or at least on a new fishing pole, big screen TV, and a fridge full of cold ones?
Step 10: Maintenance. Realize that you have become accustomed error messages, screen freezes, and reboots. No matter how pernicious they are you may long for them and crave their company from time to time. You have been programmed to expect certain things from an OS; resist the desire to defragment your drives or scan for viruses. Those are habits belonging to your former life.
Step 11: Making Contact. Seek out the companionship of other Linux users in whose footsteps you have followed. Join an internet forum or local LUG for support. Any small and insignificant difference between Linux and Windows may result in the temptation to return to your former habits. Fellow users
will aid you in these times of trial.
Step 12: Service. Once you have been cured you will feel a desire to help others. Render service by passing out live Linux disks to friends, family, and coworkers. Help newbies on forums make the transition by answering questions. Participate freely in public demonstrations involving defilement of Windows CDs. A new life awaits you!
(*I do not intend any offense toward AAA, its principles, or adherents with this spoof.)