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earthpigg
December 5th, 2009, 02:24 AM
SEATTLEŚWith the holiday shopping season officially under way, millions of consumers proceeded to their nearest commercial centers this week in hopes of acquiring the latest, and therefore most desirable, personal device.

"The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device."

Added Wakefield, "The new device will retail for $395."

Able to remain operational for longer periods of time and occupy a demonstrably smaller three-dimensional space, the new device is so advanced when compared to the old device that it makes the old device appear much older than it actually is. However, the new device is reportedly not so radically different as to cause confusion or unwanted anxiety among those familiar with the feel of the old device.

"Its higher price indicates to me that it is superior, and that not everyone will be able to afford it, which only makes me want to possess it more," said Tim Sturges, owner of the old device, which he obtained 18 months ago when it was still the new device. "I feel a strong urge to purchase the new device. Owning the new device will please me and improve my daily life."

"It's difficult to remember how I ever found enjoyment in my old device," Sturges continued. "It is no longer appealing to the eye."

In addition to aesthetic and technological enhancements, manufacturers claim the new device comes equipped with a wide range of desirable features, including fewer buttons for pressing down and holding; a new wire for connecting to larger, less-portable devices; and fewer device-related errors and frustrations.

The new device will also be available in blue.

"Not only will I be able to perform tasks faster than before, but my new device will also inform those around me that I am a successful individual who is up on the latest trends," said Rebecca Hodge, whose executive job allowed her to line up for several hours in the middle of the day in order to obtain the previously unavailable item. "Its attractiveness and considerable value are, by extension, my attractiveness and considerable value."

Consumer Robert Larson agreed.

"I'm going to take my new device wherever I go," said Larson, holding the expensive item directly in the eyeline of several reporters. "That way no one on the street, inside the elevator, or at my place of business will ever mistake me for the sort of individual who does not own the new device."

Added Larson, "The new device brings me satisfaction."

Despite the visible excitement among most consumers, some claimed to be exercising caution, choosing instead to sit back and wait for a newer version of the new device to be released before making a purchase.

"True, it appeals to my most basic insecurities, but this new device will ultimately be replaced by a newer device, rendering it completely undesirable and utterly repellent to my personal tastes," device-enthusiast Ryan Janosch said. "Also, I should start saving my money for the next latest device, which will replace the newer new device a couple months after that.

Anyone else flippin excited about getting one of these bad boys?!

hobo14
December 5th, 2009, 02:30 AM
:lolflag:

JBAlaska
December 5th, 2009, 02:33 AM
Yea, But they have had the new device in Japan for 3 years...

chris200x9
December 5th, 2009, 02:34 AM
I'm lost? New device, old device. WTF are they talking about? All I know is it's way more advanced then the old one.

CharlesA
December 5th, 2009, 02:35 AM
New device is epic device!

dragos240
December 5th, 2009, 02:35 AM
I'm lost? New device, old device. WTF are they talking about? All I know is it's way more advanced then the old one.

That's the joke.

forrestcupp
December 5th, 2009, 02:37 AM
Somehow the new device takes up less 3D space while at the same time having a screen twice as large. :)

JBAlaska
December 5th, 2009, 02:39 AM
This was a joke?...Now you tell me I have been googling new device for the last 5 mins..

And the big question is, Will it run Manic Macaw? lol's

Regenweald
December 5th, 2009, 02:49 AM
I had heard rumours that the drop in the 40nm process yield over at TSMC was going to push back the devices' release to Q1 '10, Great news to see that they are shipping early! :D

sisco311
December 5th, 2009, 02:52 AM
Somehow the new device takes up less 3D space while at the same time having a screen twice as large. :)

bah, the new device is still 3 dimensional, thanks no, i will wait for the 4 dimensional.

:)

chillicampari
December 5th, 2009, 02:54 AM
The new device will also be available in blue.
Booyah!!! Heck yes!!!

openuniverse
December 5th, 2009, 03:00 AM
why are they using an apple press release to make fun of us?

Psumi
December 5th, 2009, 03:14 AM
I didn't get the joke until I saw someone say as such either. I still don't get the joke.

saulgoode
December 5th, 2009, 03:29 AM
This new device sounds like a blatant rip-off of Apple's iProduct (http://www.flashingtwelve.brickfilms.com/Forums/BF/iProduct.gif).

waldopepper
December 5th, 2009, 03:34 AM
Am I missing something? Shouldn't a direct lift from a published source be credited? Or did I miss where it was credited?

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_device_desirable_old_device

earthpigg
December 5th, 2009, 03:36 AM
am i missing something? Shouldn't a direct lift from a published source be credited? Or did i miss where it was credited?

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_device_desirable_old_device

:d

ElSlunko
December 5th, 2009, 03:38 AM
How many megapixels is it gonna be?

Kdar
December 5th, 2009, 03:52 AM
What is new device?


Or even old????

BuffaloX
December 5th, 2009, 03:53 AM
Oh I thought the old one was the coolest thing on earth.
But now I see the new one is the coolest thing on earth. #-o

more MegaRAM.
more MegaSpeed.
more MegaPixels

I'm not sure I want to be seen with the old one anymore.
Whoops I think I dropped it, too bad I'd better go get that new one to replace it. :p

Aflack
December 5th, 2009, 03:58 AM
I heard it can run 18 apps at the same time while juggling a pair of cheese puffs? i think its a myth.

stuart.reinke
December 5th, 2009, 04:10 AM
You can pick up old device on Ebay for little of nothing. It seems there's no demand for them anymore.

chillicampari
December 5th, 2009, 04:11 AM
...

I'm not sure I want to be seen with the old one anymore.
...

Very true! Also, I wonder if it's possible to block communications from those using the old device (in order to avoid pollution of social circle perception).

the yawner
December 5th, 2009, 05:43 AM
bah, the new device is still 3 dimensional, thanks no, i will wait for the 4 dimensional.

:)

I've read the specs, and apparently it IS already 4 dimensional. Unfortunately, due to our own limitations, we can only perceive the new device in 3 dimensions. :(

ElSlunko
December 5th, 2009, 05:44 AM
Think my g/f would like one? I haven't gotten her a christmas present yet.

Sef
December 5th, 2009, 05:54 AM
Article too long; link needed or proof that the article is under the Creative Commons License.