schauerlich
September 5th, 2009, 07:42 PM
(FYI: I wrote this, it's not spam/copypasta (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=copypasta), etc)
Everyone who works in customer service knows what it's like to deal with annoying people. However, ushers at movie theaters have the unique pleasure of cleaning up after people they've never even come face to face to, and hate them for it. Here's a list of the top 8 most annoying theater patrons that you will never actually meet.
I use "Mr." and "he" because I'm sexist because it's easier, but these archetypes apply just as well to either gender.
8) Mr. Full Bag
He paid $7 for a bag of popcorn. He probably complained about how much it cost to the concessions person, too. He wanted light butter, not too much, and you've got to make sure to put some in the middle and on top (as if that isn't standard practice at every theater ever). But what does he do once he gets inside the theater? Certainly, he'll watch the movie. After all, he paid $10 for that. But that bag of popcorn? It makes a nice floor ornament. It really goes well with the cinemuck (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cinemuck) coating the floor. This Movie Maverick is entirely content with nibbling off the top of the bag and leaving the rest behind, ready for the person next to him to kick it over on their way out.
7) Mr. Bag-In-Chair
He thinks he's being polite. He's just seen a movie, enjoyed his overpriced popcorn, and gotten a good two thirds of the way through it. He's already doing better than Mr. Full Bag. But, instead of placing it on the floor with the rest of the junk an usher has to sweep up, he decides to "help a brotha out," so to speak, and put his crumpled up popcorn bag between the fold up seat and the chair backing, wedged down low to make sure it doesn't come out. Not only is this not helpful, it actually makes it harder to clean.
6) The Littluns
When Pixar or Dreamworks releases a new animated film, most people jump for joy. Surely it'll be a heartwarming tale of good over evil, true love, or friendship. However, ushers across America groan. There is some sort of subliminal messaging in every children's movie that comes out that causes kids to throw $%&@ everywhere. It's uncanny. A packed theater full of old people is consistently cleaner than a near empty movie if anyone under 12 goes to see it.
5) Mr. Crunk
He could get drunk at home, but where's the fun in that? No, he's going to take a walk on the wild side (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZ88oTITMoM) and bring his forty of Mickey's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malt_liquor#Forties_.2840s.29) to the theater, plop down in the back, and have a good time. Then, once he's good and buzzed, he's going to… sit there, I guess. He rarely throws away his own alcohol bottles, because the trash cans are outside the theater, and he doesn't want to risk getting caught. No, he'll leave it on the floor. It's usually cheap malt liquor or beer, but if he's feeling classy, he might put a little Captain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Morgan) in him. Even old women aren't immune to this phenomenon: bottles of Pinot Grigio are not uncommon. He is often combined with Mr. Spills-A-Lot, who you'll meet in a moment.
4) The Feaster
The recession has hit each of us in a different way. Most of us have had to cut back on expenses in one way or another. Some of us even had to move to a cheaper place to live because rent was too high. But this Champion of Chomp is cutting costs by wearing a baggy sweatshirt in late July so that he can shove as much food as possible in it. What sets him apart from the average joe who stops by the gas station on the way in to pick up some whoppers is volume and debris. A bag of candy, a bottle of soda, a bag from Burger King with FryPod™ (http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/1267/frypod.jpg) intact, a pizza box, a tin foil from God knows what, a Jamba Juice cup, a hotdog wrapper... He is like a Littlun who never grew out of the urge to throw food on the floor combined with someone too cheap to pony up for a popcorn.
3) Mr. Spills-A-Lot
It happens sometimes. We all spill. Ushers can deal with that, it's part of the job description. But Mr. Spills-A-Lot is a different breed of spiller. He usually sits near the back of the slanted theater, and spills near the beginning of the show. Then, instead of making a dam out of the 40 napkins he got for his popcorn with no butter, or even running out into the lobby and asking for paper towels, he is content to sit there through the entire movie with a pool of soda at his feet, slowly trickling down onto the heels of those in front of him, soaking purses and generally wreaking havoc on the poor souls in the rows in front of him. By the time an usher is aware of the spill, it's propagated through the whole theater and pooled near the bottom, intermixed with stray popcorn kernels that came along for the ride. Mop in hand, the intrepid usher must go into the center of a row, mop up what he can reach, and then move to the next row down. And then repeat that 20 times.
2) Mr. Sunflower Seeds
Admission is expensive. He's too cheap to buy any of the (admittedly overpriced) refreshments available at the concession stand. He's going to sit there for 2 hours uncomfortably close to strangers. Must be at a baseball stadium, right? This Cinema Samurai is satisfied to slew his saliva saturated shells on the floor straight through the show. Never mind the free cups available at the concession stand, no. That would cramp his style. He's got to Have It His Way™ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burger_King_advertising) and drop it at his feet. A true hero in his own mind.
1) Mr. Spit Tobacco
Much like his cousin, Mr. Sunflower Seeds, this Expectoration Exhibitionist confuses the movie theater with the baseball stadium. He at least has the courtesy to grab two free cups from the concession stand on his way in; however, what he uses them for is vile. One cup contains the soggy, clumpy remains of a wad of tobacco wallowing in its own juices. And that's the better half. The other one contains possibly the most disgusting liquid that's to be found in a theater. Filled with something warm, brown, and smelling strongly of death, the spittoon is a treat to dispose of. Mr. Spit Tobacco is an interesting case study: unlike the others on this list, his claim to fame doesn't stem from his unique ability to create an impressive volume of trash. His debris is usually quite compact. Instead, the annoyance, the revolt, the pure evil that he leaves in his wake is concentrated into two cups hardly bigger than a double shot glass. If you meet this man in a movie theater one day, do me a favor: shake his hand. Congratulate him. He has successfully grossed out some of the most battle hardened individuals this side of 'Nam.
Well, that concludes my list of the top 8 most annoying theater patrons you'll never meet. If you've found yourself on this list, don't be afraid. It's not too late. All it takes is a little courtesy, a little common sense, and some self determination. You, too, can become a functioning member of society.
Everyone who works in customer service knows what it's like to deal with annoying people. However, ushers at movie theaters have the unique pleasure of cleaning up after people they've never even come face to face to, and hate them for it. Here's a list of the top 8 most annoying theater patrons that you will never actually meet.
I use "Mr." and "he" because I'm sexist because it's easier, but these archetypes apply just as well to either gender.
8) Mr. Full Bag
He paid $7 for a bag of popcorn. He probably complained about how much it cost to the concessions person, too. He wanted light butter, not too much, and you've got to make sure to put some in the middle and on top (as if that isn't standard practice at every theater ever). But what does he do once he gets inside the theater? Certainly, he'll watch the movie. After all, he paid $10 for that. But that bag of popcorn? It makes a nice floor ornament. It really goes well with the cinemuck (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cinemuck) coating the floor. This Movie Maverick is entirely content with nibbling off the top of the bag and leaving the rest behind, ready for the person next to him to kick it over on their way out.
7) Mr. Bag-In-Chair
He thinks he's being polite. He's just seen a movie, enjoyed his overpriced popcorn, and gotten a good two thirds of the way through it. He's already doing better than Mr. Full Bag. But, instead of placing it on the floor with the rest of the junk an usher has to sweep up, he decides to "help a brotha out," so to speak, and put his crumpled up popcorn bag between the fold up seat and the chair backing, wedged down low to make sure it doesn't come out. Not only is this not helpful, it actually makes it harder to clean.
6) The Littluns
When Pixar or Dreamworks releases a new animated film, most people jump for joy. Surely it'll be a heartwarming tale of good over evil, true love, or friendship. However, ushers across America groan. There is some sort of subliminal messaging in every children's movie that comes out that causes kids to throw $%&@ everywhere. It's uncanny. A packed theater full of old people is consistently cleaner than a near empty movie if anyone under 12 goes to see it.
5) Mr. Crunk
He could get drunk at home, but where's the fun in that? No, he's going to take a walk on the wild side (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZ88oTITMoM) and bring his forty of Mickey's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malt_liquor#Forties_.2840s.29) to the theater, plop down in the back, and have a good time. Then, once he's good and buzzed, he's going to… sit there, I guess. He rarely throws away his own alcohol bottles, because the trash cans are outside the theater, and he doesn't want to risk getting caught. No, he'll leave it on the floor. It's usually cheap malt liquor or beer, but if he's feeling classy, he might put a little Captain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Morgan) in him. Even old women aren't immune to this phenomenon: bottles of Pinot Grigio are not uncommon. He is often combined with Mr. Spills-A-Lot, who you'll meet in a moment.
4) The Feaster
The recession has hit each of us in a different way. Most of us have had to cut back on expenses in one way or another. Some of us even had to move to a cheaper place to live because rent was too high. But this Champion of Chomp is cutting costs by wearing a baggy sweatshirt in late July so that he can shove as much food as possible in it. What sets him apart from the average joe who stops by the gas station on the way in to pick up some whoppers is volume and debris. A bag of candy, a bottle of soda, a bag from Burger King with FryPod™ (http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/1267/frypod.jpg) intact, a pizza box, a tin foil from God knows what, a Jamba Juice cup, a hotdog wrapper... He is like a Littlun who never grew out of the urge to throw food on the floor combined with someone too cheap to pony up for a popcorn.
3) Mr. Spills-A-Lot
It happens sometimes. We all spill. Ushers can deal with that, it's part of the job description. But Mr. Spills-A-Lot is a different breed of spiller. He usually sits near the back of the slanted theater, and spills near the beginning of the show. Then, instead of making a dam out of the 40 napkins he got for his popcorn with no butter, or even running out into the lobby and asking for paper towels, he is content to sit there through the entire movie with a pool of soda at his feet, slowly trickling down onto the heels of those in front of him, soaking purses and generally wreaking havoc on the poor souls in the rows in front of him. By the time an usher is aware of the spill, it's propagated through the whole theater and pooled near the bottom, intermixed with stray popcorn kernels that came along for the ride. Mop in hand, the intrepid usher must go into the center of a row, mop up what he can reach, and then move to the next row down. And then repeat that 20 times.
2) Mr. Sunflower Seeds
Admission is expensive. He's too cheap to buy any of the (admittedly overpriced) refreshments available at the concession stand. He's going to sit there for 2 hours uncomfortably close to strangers. Must be at a baseball stadium, right? This Cinema Samurai is satisfied to slew his saliva saturated shells on the floor straight through the show. Never mind the free cups available at the concession stand, no. That would cramp his style. He's got to Have It His Way™ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burger_King_advertising) and drop it at his feet. A true hero in his own mind.
1) Mr. Spit Tobacco
Much like his cousin, Mr. Sunflower Seeds, this Expectoration Exhibitionist confuses the movie theater with the baseball stadium. He at least has the courtesy to grab two free cups from the concession stand on his way in; however, what he uses them for is vile. One cup contains the soggy, clumpy remains of a wad of tobacco wallowing in its own juices. And that's the better half. The other one contains possibly the most disgusting liquid that's to be found in a theater. Filled with something warm, brown, and smelling strongly of death, the spittoon is a treat to dispose of. Mr. Spit Tobacco is an interesting case study: unlike the others on this list, his claim to fame doesn't stem from his unique ability to create an impressive volume of trash. His debris is usually quite compact. Instead, the annoyance, the revolt, the pure evil that he leaves in his wake is concentrated into two cups hardly bigger than a double shot glass. If you meet this man in a movie theater one day, do me a favor: shake his hand. Congratulate him. He has successfully grossed out some of the most battle hardened individuals this side of 'Nam.
Well, that concludes my list of the top 8 most annoying theater patrons you'll never meet. If you've found yourself on this list, don't be afraid. It's not too late. All it takes is a little courtesy, a little common sense, and some self determination. You, too, can become a functioning member of society.