Funny quotes

[Grant A.]

Does anyone here have any funny quotes that they've heard?

Wikiquote (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page) is a great resource of them.

Here are some of my favorites:




You know you're brilliant, but maybe you'd like to understand what you did 2 weeks from now.


(Linus Torvalds commenting on using comments in scripts and codes)




When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'.




2.6.<odd>: still a stable kernel, but accept bigger changes leading up to it (timeframe: a month or two).
2.<odd>.x: aim for big changes that may destabilize the kernel for several releases (timeframe: a year or two)
<odd>.x.x: Linus went crazy, broke absolutely _everything_, and rewrote the kernel to be a microkernel using a special message-passing version of Visual Basic. (timeframe: "we expect that he will be released from the mental institution in a decade or two").


(He was talking about the Linux kernel's naming scheme)



Prior art is as effective as US soldiers in Iraq: They control the ground they stand on, and nothing more. I used to say Vietnam, but, well, you know...




Thanks to Mr. Gates, we now know that an open Internet with protocols anyone can implement is communism; it was set up by that famous communist agent, the US Department of Defense.

[Skripka]

The "Warranty" behind Chakra Linux:



Disclaimer


No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given for anything provided by the Chakra Project ("Software"). All software is supplied as is, without any guarantee. The user assumes all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of the software, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction surfaces, cosmic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive electronic components, windstorms, the riders of nazgul, infuriated chickens, premature activation of a distant early warning system, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, borg-assimilation, america bringing democracy to your country and/or frogs falling from the sky.

[MikeTheC]

Well, let's see...


SULU: The word, sir?
KIRK: The word is 'no'. I am therefore going anyway.


DOCTOR: If anything happens to myself, I will never forgive himself.
PERI: Oh, I do wish you would quit switching personal pronouns.


CAPTAIN: *click* Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. There is absolutely no cause for alarm. *click*

[Tipped OuT]

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Hehe...

[Bodsda]

Go away or I will replace you with an extremely small shell script

(Text on a T-shirt) - You've read my T-shirt, thats enough social interaction for one day

Come to the dark side,
we have cookies.
.



Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible ****... me.

In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary... come again?

Q: What's in the car?
A: Seats and a stearing wheel


You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.

And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig ****, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

I love that film.

Edit: Sorry bout the pig ****, didnt see that, copy paste fail.

[tuskenraider]

Sith Happens

i have this on a shirt. tis my fav shirt


tusken

[lisati]

Seen on a T-shirt, paraphrased slightly:

I understand what you're saying, but still think you are full of it.

[MikeTheC]

<off topic>

Two of my favorite t-shirts:

"I put the . in lazy."

and

"I never finish anythi"

</off topic>

[the8thstar]

All men are born equal but some men are more equal than others.

by Coluche (French Comedian)

[schauerlich]

by Coluche (French Comedian)

*adapted from George Orwell's novel Animal Farm.

[tuskenraider]

"42 is a nice number that you can take home and introduce to your family"
Douglas Adams, responding to the "Why 42?" at Brown University


"I wrote an ad for Apple Computer: 'Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end.'"
hahahahahahaha


"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place."

man i just love that guy.... err Adams not Gates. lol

tusken

[SupaSonic]

There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them. - Terry Pratchett.

[TBOL3]

go to the terminal, and type

sudo apt-get install fortune

then, to get a funny quote, type in

fortune

[Robin Borninkhof]

1.) People say that if you play Microsoft CD's backwards, you hear satanic things, but that's nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows.


2.) The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX.


3.) In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


4.) Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."


5.) MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers


6.) Windows has detected you do not have a keyboard. Press 'F9" to continue.


7.) Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Palm for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire


8.) Software is like sex: It's better when it's free.


9.) Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly.


10.) ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!


:twisted:!!!

[JohnnySage50307]

Some of my favorites:


<To Data> An imperfect creation made by yet another imperfect creation, so goes the cycle of chaos.


A man fights with his fists, but a true Man fights with an open hand.

[Kingsley]

I got this from Jimmy Barrett on a TV show called Mad Men:
Get a wider lens, right? We want to shoot her in cinema fat!

(It was a fat joke ;))

[swoll1980]

I like the one in my sig (don't know where it came from.)
also
"Take my wife... Please!"

[red_Marvin]

@swoll: The one your sig paraphrases also has another variant that I found in fortune, it went like (if not word for word):

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life.
Give a man a cat and all he will do for the rest of his life is fish.

[bryncoles]

I like the one in my sig (don't know where it came from.)
also
"Take my wife... Please!"

I believe (and correct me if I'm wrong) that your sig comes from Terry Pratchet, author of the Discworld novels. I further think (but am less sure) it comes from the novel 'Small Gods'.

[amitabhishek]

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe - Albert Einstein

Loved it!!!

[mcduck]

I believe (and correct me if I'm wrong) that your sig comes from Terry Pratchet, author of the Discworld novels. I further think (but am less sure) it comes from the novel 'Small Gods'.

It's Terry Pratchett, but from Jingo, not Small Gods.

The original quote goes like this:


Give a man a fire, and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

One of my favorite Pratchett quotes, although you'd probably find couple of hundred great quotes from every book.. :D

[Giant Speck]

I may have a short attention span, but that doesn'OMG SHINY THING!

[RiceMonster]

"I bought an ant farm... they didn't grow anything!"

"I like loud music, but the person in the apartment next door to me doesn't, so he'll knock on the wall, and I say 'GO AROUND'"

"When I was a kid, I laid in my twin sized bed wondering where my brother was"

All from Mitch Hedburg. RIP.

[RATM_Owns]

Well, let's see...


SULU: The word, sir?
KIRK: The word is 'no'. I am therefore going anyway.


I'm sorry, but I believe that bird is the word (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZThquH5t0ow).

[Tipped OuT]

I'm sorry, but I believe that bird is the word (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZThquH5t0ow).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184&feature=related
\\:D/

[wojox]

W T F W J D

And

"More Cowbell" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/More_cowbell)

[bryncoles]

I'm sorry, but I believe that bird is the word (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZThquH5t0ow).

"research indicates that the bird is equal to or greater than the word"
"Check it again!"

- family guy!

*edit*

and cheers mcduck for the correction!

[Tony Flury]

A great quote - originated I think from the game Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri

"Einstein once said that God did not play dice with the Universe. He was wrong. Not only does God play dice, the dice are loaded.

for some reason that quote has stuck in my head.

And a Douglas Adams quote (for good measure) :

'It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Easth has ever produced the expression "As pretty as an airport"....'

[tuskenraider]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184&feature=related
\\:D/

you mean this bird??


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184&feature=related

haha

tusken

everything relates back to family guy