Newbie needs to disable "autodetect monitor" at startup.
So, after doing some research, I'm thinking this might solve my problem. I've read that this can be accomplished by manually configuring xorg and telling it what monitor I have. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to do this! If someone could find it in their heart to walk me through this, it would really save Christmas. It doesn't even have to be my specific monitor, so long as it thinks it's a CRT. Even a max resolution of 800x600 would be fine.