My review of Windows 95.

[izanbardprince]

http://www.epinions.com/content_402278813316
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WARNING: This review is sarcastic, not to be taken seriously, I just figured since nobody is likely to go out and buy Windows 95, I might as well jab at it a bit.


Windows 95 OEM Service Release 2

I am reviewing Windows 95, OSR 2.1 from a CD I still have from a Packard Bell desktop system I purchased in 1996.

The Packard Bell system had a 133 Mhz Pentium Pro, 16 MB of PC66 RAM, a 2 gigabyte 5200 RPM hard disk, and a Sound Blaster 16, Windows 95 didn't run halfway bad on it, let's see what it does on a modern system.

Athlon 64 3200+
2 GB DDR 400 RAM
160 GB 7200 RPM disk
256 meg Nvidia Geforce 7300 LE video card

Installation

I created a FAT 32 partition of 20 gigabytes, and proceeded to install Windows 95 to the new partition. (Note: The original Windows 95 only supported FAT 16, which had a partition limitation of 2 Gigabytes, this is the OSR2 Windows 95)

Installation proceeded, quickly (grin), done in 12 minutes, but after installation, something went horribly wrong, Windows 95 froze on bootup, after searching Microsoft's KB articles, I came across one that says if you have a processor that is faster than 500 Mhz, Windows 95 will freeze (kind of like Vista), installing the patch (CABExtracting it, and replacing the system file from the MS-DOS subsystem), Windows again failed to boot, this time telling me I didn't have enough RAM (kind of like Vista), looking on Microsoft's KB site, I found that you have to edit system.ini in the C:/Windows directory, to limit the system cache (kind of like in Vista, only in the registry) (Which I did, in MS-DOS).

Rebooting the third time, Windows 95 did indeed start up, but my sound, ethernet, and video acceleration did not work at all (kind of like in Windows Vista).

Well, after installing the Winsock update, the USB support (another new feature of 95 OSR 2) patch, as well as drivers (meant for Windows Me) that were "close enough" to my motherboard to provide ethernet and sound, as well as the last Forceware drivers that worked under Windows 98, DirectX 9, and the Common Controls, and Microsoft Foundation Class updates, Windows 95 was up and fully running (at least, as well as can be expected considering the drivers I had to make do with, kind of like Vista).

I went to update Windows 95 with several dozen patches, right after installation, kind of like Vista.

First impressions

Well, here I am, looking at Windows 95, it's been a while, and I can honestly say it's good to be back, especially after trying to use Windows Vista.

Out of the box I had Microsoft Internet Explorer 3.0, the world's most advanced web browser ever, it even supports tables and cookies, and unsigned remote code execution by ActiveX, whatever that is, but it sounds cool.

Windows 95 also has the worlds best multimedia applications, Windows Media Player 6, and Sound Recorder, these utilities integrate and compliment each other, in that Sound Recorder can record WAV files, and Windows Media Player can play them.

What software have I tried on the world's best operating system?

Games:

Microsoft's Halo: Combat Evolved
American McGee's Alice
Quake III: Arena
Sierra's EarthSiege and EarthSiege 2
Caesar
Star Wars: Rogue Squadon (using the Glidos wrapper to emulate 3dFX Glide)
Tomb Raider 1-3 (Glidos)
Carmageddon
Carmageddon II: Carpocalypse Now!
Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic I and II
Microsoft's Best of Windows Entertainment Pack (CHIPS CHALLENGE FTW!!!)

Sauerbraten caused a Blue Screen of Death every time I tried to launch it, thats probably because it's free and open source software, all free and open source software contains computer viruses, because Microsoft told me that, and I trust them.

Most of the games I listed above won't run at all on Windows Vista, I guess it's just not advanced enough...

Applications (Just to see what the Linux Communists have cooked up, I installed some of their programs, although I'm almost certain they've backdoored my operating system):

Mozilla Firefox 2.0
Winamp 5
VLC Media Player (It actually played DVD's through libdvdcss)
Pidgin Instant Messenger


Windows 95 has an advanced feature that won't allow harmful software to install on the system, kind of like Windows Vista, to test it out, I attempted to install Apple iTunes, which wouldn't run at all, Windows 95 told me that iTunes performed an illegal operation, and proceeded to dump out a list of all the Microsoft patents Apple violated, in hexadecimal binary format, I hope those buttclowns at Apple enjoy their jail cell!

VLC needs work, it made it all the way through a DVD movie without once asking me about license files, Windows Media Player on Vista has that functionality, why doesn't VLC?

And while we're discussing missing functionality, where do I get a plug in for Pidgin that supports the pop up windows and all the dialog boxes that come up when I'm not certain that I wanted to shut down Yahoo Messenger?

Mozilla Firefox supports Adblock and pop-up blocking, and doesn't even work with ActiveX, which is why I repeat my argument that those Linux Communists are up to no good, after all, if a website owner can't install spyware on my machine, how will that man go home and feed his children?

On a side note, I'm disturbed that all this free and open source software was missed by Windows' malicious software detection feature, I must need pattern file updates.

What else can Windows 95 do?

I got my Sandisk Sansa mp3 player to mount, using the Sandisk Cruzer USB driver that I found on the Toasty Tech site, I was able to copy media to it through an advanced, drag-and-drop interface that functioned so well, that Apple has yet to come up with anything better, it's called, I opened the folder, selected my files, and dropped them in, oh yeah, and it just worked.

Windows 95 supports wallpaper, something that Apple clearly stole from Microsoft for OS X, but Windows 95 supports the worlds most advanced image compression format, bitmaps.

Windows 95 clearly has better OpenGL support than Windows Vista, even shipping with a whole bunch of OpenGL screen savers. Windows Vista is not advanced enough to run these.

Windows 95 has an advanced audio CD ripping system, I can put my microphone up to the speakers, and hit the record button in Sound Recorder.

Windows 95 ships with a complete office suite, it's called notepad.exe, it even supports advanced features like Word Wrap, surely those open source communists will fear Microsoft's innovation.

Windows 95 also ships with the most advanced image editing tool, MSPaint, but it wouldn't open any of my pictures from my Kodak Easyshare camera, it told me the format was not supported, I guess that means that I'll have to throw the camera away.

Windows 95 supports complete volume backups, just format and prepare 100,000 1.44 Megabyte floppy disks, and label them in sequence.

Windows 95 comes with DirectX 3.0, for all of you that are ready to take your gaming to the next level, this thing renders sprites like you've never seen, brother!

Unlike Communist Linux users, who only use their computers for illegal porn and bootleg Metallica albums, Windows 95 users do not need a stateful packet inspection firewall, don't worry the government is your friend, before the NSA leaves, they'll defragment your hard disk and leave a mint on your pillow.

Another thing that caught my interest, was that the Product Activation system must have malfunctioned, I hope they can get it back up and running, because I'd hate to think that I'm running "Non-Genuine" Windows 95.

Final Thoughts

The winner, by a landslide, is Windows 95.

Oh, one more thing, Windows 95 has the best community support system of any operating system, if you ever need help, you just load Microsoft Comic Chat and attach to Dalnet, go into any chat room and ask how to get things done in Windows 95, and the people are so nice and helpful, it only took 5 seconds before someone told me how to fix Windows should anything go wrong, apparently Microsoft has this hidden support utility that you load by going to the MS-DOS Command Prompt and typing "Format C:/", I think I'll try that later.

[SupaSonic]

Very funny indeed, especially the comparison with Vista. 95 wins hands down =)

You should review MS DOS some time.

[ironfistchamp]

Haha this was a great read. Thanks I needed this!

[metallicamaster3]

Unlike Communist Linux users, who only use their computers for illegal porn and bootleg Metallica albums ...

H E Y!!!!!:(

[blithen]

Wow! A laughed through the whole thing, very nice review!

[angryfirelord]

:lol: :lolflag:

[st33med]

Another thing he forgot:

I like this desktop customization, where you can only modify your Desktop picture. However, I can't change my toolbar. Guess I'll have to shove out fifteen bucks for Windows Blinds. Eat that, Commies! I now have a mad, Vista-like Desktop, but without the slowdown!

[djsroknrol]

I was so impressed, I found a Windows 95 floppy set and installed it on my 2.8MHz machine...

I'm finding the same problems as the OP reported, but I'm slowly sorting them all out....

This is one SWEET OS!!

:lolflag:

[metallicamaster3]

actually, i have this installed on a 333MHz old Pentium Pro in the basement. Why? Its for fun.
(yes, it also runs ubuntu 5.10)

[fluteflute]

Very nice. I laughed out loud (something I rarely do these days_) aqt:
"Windows 95 has an advanced audio CD ripping system, I can put my microphone up to the speakers, and hit the record button in Sound Recorder."

[regomodo]

Very nice. I laughed out loud (something I rarely do these days_) aqt:
"Windows 95 has an advanced audio CD ripping system, I can put my microphone up to the speakers, and hit the record button in Sound Recorder."

yep. my favourite bit too.

How about a review of windows 3.0? I heard it's the 5h1t.

[iPower]

i have a win95 ready pc and a copy of Win95b :D

[TheOtherLinuxFreak]

:lolflag:

[1peter318]

Having 2 other PC's one running 98se and the other 95, i feel compelled to put a few good words in for w/9x, though i enjoyed this parody.

My first PC ran W/95, running on a 166 mhz CPU with a grand total of 48mb ram on a 550mb HD. I sure did have to watch what i downloaded. I rather quickly learned what a BSD was, as well as to watch the main cause of such, low System Resources. Yet my current (rarely used) tweaked w/95 osr2 on a 500mhz PC with 256mb ram is faster booting and snappier loading folders and easier navigating than my current tweaked Vista HB on a Dell e520 with a 3.08ghz cpu, and 1.5gb ram. And unlike both Vista or Ubuntu, it does not prevent me from doing things to files because i am not the owner (or so it thinks). And it can surf (slow loading Firefox 1.5 with IE6) using DSL almost as fast as Vista or Ubuntu as well. Though both W/9x OSes lack of security, in 7 years of intensive daily internet use only one time did i get a virus, which i quickly found as T clock would tell my my CPU load, and FreeRamXPpro would alert me to low sys, resources. And with more free codecs, it also plays just about any video and DVD i put in it, and with JetAudio i could record all that my 2 to 4 pata HD's could hold.

Of course, despite watching sys. resources, it would frequently crash, and it certainly cannot handle modern PC mobo's and abilities. But thank God, they can still be viable for most tasks on older PC's, and i sure got my moneys worth out of them (found one in the trash).

[Tom Mann]

I couldn't stop laughing at this!

There was always something about Win95 OSR2 that I preferred over Win98SE - which I used to screw into my control with 98Lite (remember that anyone!) until it turned out that it'd stop my audio apps running :(:(:( :guitar:

[BuffaloX]

I completely agree.
Win95 actually brought new functionality to PC's.
Vista doesn't.

[@trophy]

I rocked 98SE2 for a LOOOONG time. I skipped ME (but my girlfriend at the time had it, so I didn't have to miss out on all the fun), never got around to pirating 2000, and finally ended up getting XP in the fall of 2000. I plan on skipping at least two this time around as well, so my next windows will be Vista + 2, which at their current rate should come out on September 12, 2029 at a "suggested" retail price of $4,827.99!

[Sporkman]

...but can it beat the security of WinXP??

(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE)


FBI on WinXP Security Flaws

WASHINGTON -- The FBI's cybercrime unit warned consumers today to take additional steps beyond those recommended by Microsoft to protect against hackers who might try to exploit flaws discovered in the newest version of Windows software, Windows XP.

In addition to installing a free software fix offered by Microsoft, users were also told to disable the product's "universal plug and play" features. Other security fixes suggested to secure XP include:

• Users have little to worry about if the computer is not connected to the Internet, say experts. "It would be a good idea to not even have a phone or cable TV in the same room as your Windows computer," said Nelson Bloodstone, with the National Windows Flaw Management Unit of the FBI. "As a matter of fact, if you had your own independent power supply not connected to the national power grid, that wouldn't hurt either -- if you get my meaning. "
• A computer which is not operable cannot be hacked. "Next time you get the blue screen of death, just leave it there," said Bloodstone. "What's the worst thing that could happen? Some hacker might come along and fix your computer."
• Never, ever plug anything into your computer. "Embedded chips inside of digital cameras surreptitiously send signals to hackers," according to WarEz RooolZ, a hacker we talked to last night on an AOL chat board. "As soon as you plug it in, it starts sending us pictures of your house. And if you leave your wallet within ten feet of your scanner, you're screwed."

Other tips on the list include:

• A recently formatted hard drive is a more secure hard drive.
• OS/2 Warp is so secure that we can't find a copy to test for security flaws.
• Terrorists posing as computer programmers are probably the source of most of the flaws of Windows software. FBI agents plan to interview everyone in Redmond who talks like a programmer but can't actually program. This screening is expected to take several years.
• A Windows computer could be considered reasonably secure if there was not any actual software on it.
• Just because your computer's keyboard doesn't work doesn't mean the computer cannot be hacked.
• Wipe the hard drive and reinstall from the CD every day. You'll need to be in close contact with Microsoft because of the multiple install restrictions on Windows.
• Don't use Linux, because it's a "foreign operating system (FOS)." The FBI can't protect you if it can't hack into your computer.
• Consumers are reminded (yet again) that just because there aren't many viruses and worms and Trojan horses for the Mac, that might not be the case in the future. There isn't anything inherent to the Mac OS that prevents hackers from doing the same thing they do to Windows every day. "The possibility of a future threat is just as dangerous as an already hacked computer," said Twindell Llarrssenn, manager of the FBI's Possibly UnAmerican OS Warning Group. "Macs might start being hacked any second now. Any second like . . . now. Or now. Or even . . . now. You never know."

Microsoft responded to these tips by reminding everyone to download and install the latest security patch for Windows. In fact, Windows XP is so advanced, it automatically connects to the Internet and reinstalls itself without telling you, just for your convenience. These reinstalls occur once a week whether or not an upgrade is posted, "just in case we find another flaw," according to an unnamed Microsoft spokesman who works in cubicle 42128 in Building G at the sprawling Redmond campus.

Of course, after three such installs, the system stops working altogether, providing the "ultimate in security from Microsoft.

[jrusso2]

Windows 95 was the whole reason I started using Linux. Couldn't stand the crashes.

I dropped Windows 95 for everything but games and ran NT 4.0 and Redhat Linux dual boot.

[bam1234567]

http://www.epinions.com/content_402278813316
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Windows 95 has an advanced audio CD ripping system, I can put my microphone up to the speakers, and hit the record button in Sound Recorder.

Windows 95 ships with a complete office suite, it's called notepad.exe, it even supports advanced features like Word Wrap, surely those open source communists will fear Microsoft's innovation.

Windows 95 also ships with the most advanced image editing tool, MSPaint, but it wouldn't open any of my pictures from my Kodak Easyshare camera, it told me the format was not supported, I guess that means that I'll have to throw the camera away.

Windows 95 supports complete volume backups, just format and prepare 100,000 1.44 Megabyte floppy disks, and label them in sequence.


:lolflag: i still remember doing that microphone thing. Oh, Windows.

[1peter318]

I recently had to reactivate my Vista OS, though it is legal (DEll OEM), and had been using it for months. Though i had not installed any new hardware, I got a pop up basically saying my OS validation was suspect. Online activation with the key that came with the PC would not work, and after i rebooted all i could do was use the broswer. No, this was not a virus, but this is what MS will do when it's own primary means of validation does not work, as a little googling revealed. So i went online and after the automated validation failed, i got a "genuine" live (activated) human who quickly gave me a new key and all works fine, thank God. The agent told me that even installing new software can require new activation. It is good that the world is a safer place since MS implemented it's WGA "crictical update" that calls home every day. I have leanred to stop worrying and to love WMD's (workers of mass detection).

In reality however, I still do not like the unasked for paranoid degree of security in either Vista or Ubuntu, for as a solitary user i must jump through many hoops to gain full control over many files i installed on vista, and i have yet to find an easy way to get R+W access to all the files on entire NTFS drives from Ubuntu, or even to copy my Windows Thunderbird profile into Ubuntu.

Now what would it be like if MS owned the car industry?

[fiddlerdiehl]

Installing 95 instead of Vista sounds like great advice, unless you've already installed vista, in which case good luck rolling back to 95!!!:biggrin:

[Retrograde77]

That was awesome :)

[new2*buntu]

:lolflag:
I was actually laughing out loud!
That was one great funny review.

[RTSnLV]

great post. Brought back lots of memories of that initial win95 install way back when on my whopping Pent 90

[43moon]

I have grown very spoiled by the modern operating systems that install and work without much hassle. I recently had to install XP in order to transfer my contacts from my Treo to my new BlackBerry (through Outlook). XP is getting pretty difficult to get running on modern hardware too. It had no interest in my pure SATA box, and it was kicking and screaming on my "old" (one year) AMD Dual Core box. I managed to get it to run...BARELY. It was stuck in 800x600 until I installed the video drivers, it didnt detect most of the mother board until I ran the MB installer CD. I honestly think that it rebooted over ten times installing everything. I had to do the XP install over two days because it bombed and never recovered. It made me appreciate the fact that I can install Ubuntu in about 20 minutes, and then hit Synaptic and have almost all of my usual apps installed in another 5 minutes.

[vishzilla]

Windows 95 has an advanced audio CD ripping system, I can put my microphone up to the speakers, and hit the record button in Sound Recorder.

Windows 95 ships with a complete office suite, it's called notepad.exe, it even supports advanced features like Word Wrap, surely those open source communists will fear Microsoft's innovation. :lolflag:

[agtownz]

Epic win.

[swoll1980]

my favirate was the rip he made agaist ipod

[Pieboy337]

Very funny. Although as much as I hate to say it, Windows95 and DOS I actually liked a lot. Sure the crashes can get a little annoying, but tons of great games! Like lemmings, and sam and max! Still very funny, brings back lots of memorys.

[Chiko2008]

LOL!
Very funny!

Ubuntu (http://www.linux-archive.org/ubuntu/)

[3rdalbum]

Hilarious article!

...but I thought Windows 95 didn't support USB?